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to not get my mum anything for mothers day

(8 Posts)
babyunicornvomit Thu 09-Mar-17 16:10:42

Okay so context. I'm 20 weeks pregnant living away from home. My mum has been completely unsupportive throughout my pregnancy thus far- not even caring when I ended up in hospital with gastro and dehydration, she just text a few days later saying 'how are things now?' She's made it clear she doesn't want me to have this baby because I'm not married to my partner - she isn't religious, just old fashioned. My dad has been great - which makes things complex because they're still married and together etc, so if I go round to see him I see her too.
I do love my mum but growing up she's been unsupportive and my sister and I think she has narcissistic tendencies. She constantly told me I was fat growing up an called my sister ugly. She tells my dad he's fat too (at 6 foot tall and 12 stone). She makes people around her feel bad and doesn't have many friends because of this, she brings people down. I have told her about it before but she shrugs it off.
When I had problems with my mental health she swept it under the carpet, acted like I was putting it on (I was bulimic, self harming and severely depressed between age 14 and 17), and told me I'd 'get carted off in a loony van'.

Things got better growing up (though I'm only 21 next month so it hasn't been that long), though we've never been close. I feel like I can't talk to her because she criticises everything - uni, job, friends, boyfriend.

Anyway, my sister and I spent a lot on her for Christmas - she has very expensive taste and we spent ages picking out some nail varnish, designer skincare stuff, some crockery etc - more than we could afford really. She never even said thank you, when I know for a fact she likes everything we got her and we tried really hard. 'What do you think mum? Do you like X?' 'Yes its nice.' No thank you.

Anyway, all of these factors surmise to my thought that basically, she isn't a very good mother to me (or grandmother to my future child) and obviously expects gifts but doesn't expect she should have to thank us. I don't feel like she deserves my hard earned money (I only make £100 a week) when I've a baby on the way and am paying for student supplies for uni.

My sister thinks we should get her things because 'she will kick off' if we dont. I dont think she deserves it. AIBU?

Chloe84 Thu 09-Mar-17 16:14:36

YANBU. Those are vile things to say about your own daughters. I wouldn't want someone bringing down my child.

What does she buy you and sis?

babyunicornvomit Thu 09-Mar-17 16:19:33

My parents spend a lot on us for birthdays and Christmas to be fair to them - usually give us £500 cash for Christmas and stocking fillers, and a few hundred on birthdays. It's usually money and some smaller things - makeup, hair stuff etc. Always nice stuff, they would never withhold presents as they can afford them and we always get them things for birthday and Christmas too. They are good like that smile
It's just the fact Mothers Day is supposed to celebrate your mother, and all the things I feel already for my child (love, support, infinite care and concern) I feel like I've never had from her really sad

Happyandhungry Thu 09-Mar-17 17:05:19

I think YABU just get her a card and some chocs. She sounds very reserved and difficult to show her feelings etc rather than totally uncaring. She is probably one lf those people that says the wrong thing at the wrong time and doesnt know tact. I wouldn't jepordise the future relationship she may have with your child just for the sake of a card etc for mothers day now.

For an example my grandad was totally anti his children growing up never showed any affection, never said he loved them anything yet he was the most amazing grandad to me in spite of his past failings and my mum and dad continued to make the effort with him until he passed away and overall we all had great relationships because they didnt give up on it all. Give your child the chance to experience whatever good she may be able to show later.

crazycatgal Thu 09-Mar-17 17:12:07

@Happyandhungry I know OP and trust me her mum isn't just reserved, she's cruel and unkind.

TheNoodlesIncident Thu 09-Mar-17 18:05:10

OP we should start a range of greetings cards that say things like "for a mediocre mother" and "Have the day you REALLY deserve". I struggle at this time of year and birthdays etc, because all the cards in the shops froth on about how wonderful mum is, and "all the amazing things" they do...

My mother was unsupportive and left me to the clutches of a paedophile stepfather, so I'm not overfussed either. I try to get the most non-committal, bland cards, but I doubt she ever notices how lukewarm they are to even question why I don't buy the frothy ones.

I can't change her. All I can do is try to be the best mum to my own child. Focus on how unlike her you are going to be to your baby flowers

Sung Thu 09-Mar-17 18:34:35

YANBU...but I would just send her a card to avoid the hassle (nothing gushing - just a simple happy mothers day).

DH does that - scours the display for the most ungushing card and couples it with a cheap box of chocs or a cheap bunch of flowers. Job done.

I got thoroughly hacked off with sending my [wicked] step mother stuff for mother's day one year and decided to just ignore it. The fall out wasn't worth it and I ended up sending flowers by interflora the day afterwards (ok, I know I didn't need do that but I was weak!).

BellyBean Thu 09-Mar-17 18:44:53

Yanbu to feel that way, I'd just sent a card.

My relationship with my step mum has been very rocky at times but I've always sent a card, not because I always want to, but because I feel it's important to cultivate a relationship if possible.

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