AIBU to be upset that DP slept with my sister-in-law?(134 Posts)
Name changed for this one - it's come as a bit of a shock!
I met DP through my brother as they are very close friends. I've always had a bit of a turbulent relationship with my SIL as she's a bit of a drama queen and loves a good argument and that is the absolute opposite to how I think life should be.
The 4 of us have become quite close over the past couple of years, with DP being such good friends with my brother and me making a real effort to be friends with SIL. We have had a few nights out recently and she has made some comments that bothered me, and has also been extremely flirty with DP. To cut a long story short, it led me to ask DP if anything had ever happened between them both and it turns out that the first night they ever met (over 15 years ago!) he slept with her.
Neither of them did anything wrong. They were single and met on a night out. It just turned out that she ended up seeing my brother and marrying him instead!
I feel absolutely gutted about it all though. I feel stupid that I knew nothing about it and really sad that DP didn't tell me until I specifically asked.
DP is absolutely not the flirty type and has never ever done anything to make me question how much he loves me. He said he just never felt that there was a right time to bring this up and it was so long ago and clearly meant absolutely nothing. It's come up because she was clearly angling to tell me.
Have posted in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am BU by letting this bother me. I feel almost betrayed in a way. Like they had a secret I didn't know. I can't get the thought of it out of my head. She has no idea that I know yet...
I'd steer the convo in the ladies loo and make a sly comment about how he says that every woman he ever slept with (before you) had turned out to be a total basket case. Even those from when he was in his teens & early 20's!
But that's just me!
No not unreasonable.
Like you say, they didn't do anything wrong 15 years ago. Your dp probably would struggle to even remember what it was like. So not worth mentioning.
She sounds like a douche who is acting in such a way that would prompt the question, in order to undermine your relationship. Some people need to put themselves at the center of the universe when they can see others are happy. This is the only way she can. Just ignore & she will give up. She's the one acting flirty when in a supposedly commited relationship; she has the problem, not you. She is the insecure one, not you. She is probably the unhappy one, not you. Don't let her get a rise out of it. She's just trying to aggravate you.
You are allowed feelings so yanbu. However you would be unreasonable to let it get between you. I can understand his point, I mean it isn't something you would handily drop into converstation.
She, on the other hand, needs to know you know and are cool with it. She won't spoil for a fight if there is none to be had
TBH, I think DP should have told you about this at the start of your relationship. Hopefully it wouldn't have necessarily been a problem for you, but keeping it as their secret makes it feel more important somehow.
That said, as you say yourself, both parties were single at the time and nobody did anything wrong. If your relationship is otherwise good, I would personally try to consign this back into the past.
I can totally understand why this has unsettled you. They did nothing wrong at the time as they were both single but I would find it weird to think of it now.
Tbh I think the biggest problem is that she is being flirty with your DP at the moment. That's disrespectful to all of you tbh! And it must make it hard to put the past out of your mind. I think your DP or DB should have a word with her about the flirting, and if she doesn't tone it down, you might have to cut back on the time you spend with her.
YANBU to be upset and I do think DP should have told you. The question is how you move past it, as you need to for the sake of your DP and DB as much as anything else. Does your DB know as well?
I wonder if you can make the sort of comment to your SIL next time that lets her know that you know and also implies you couldn't care less. Then she'll have no angle, and hopefully she'll leave it alone.
Yes my brother knew it happened at the time. It's never been discussed since they got together though. He's such a private person too, I think he would be mortified if he knew I'd found out...
She may have shared 1 encounter with dp but you have had lots more!! If she was that great he would still be with her! So if anyone should be smug it should be you!!
I would want to know if she knew that I didn't know for all those years.
And I would make sure she never, ever thought I was bothered.
Thanks for the advice, much appreciated.
I think you're right that the main thing will be not to let her know that it has caused any kind of hurt or problem for us - I think that's what she wanted. She often makes comments along the lines of us having a better house, or better jobs, or compares our children - this really bothers me. Life isn't a competition is it!
I feel like this was the one thing she may have thought she 'had over me' so to speak and she's taken quite a bit of pleasure in dropping in the odd comment and making me suspicious.
I agree that it would be awful to let this come between us now. DP is a fantastic partner and a brilliant father. I just wish I could stop thinking about it!!!!!
This sounds like a power play on her part. She's claiming "ownership" of this man.
However her game only works if you play too.
However you feel about it, I'd work out a careless response to her dropping the inevitable bombshell.
Don't let her rile you.
Let's face it, it would never needed to have come up if both had acted reasonably. You can easily spend one (most likely unremarkable) night with someone 15 years ago and then both be with other people and no longer see the other in a sexual light at all (and given it was just the one night, you'd likely have barely seen the other in that sexual a light anyway).
She's just trying to play the temptress & like she's the one who can get all the boys. Pathetic, really. She's the one not necessarily happy in her relationship as she's seeking all of this attention. Don't fuel the fire.
What comments was she making??
I'm sure the reason he said nothing in the beginning was pure awkwardness. Which has gotten more awkward since. But at least he was open about it when asked.
I have a partner who slept with most of his female friends in the 90s. They are still our friends. I guess the reason I don't give a shit is a) I knew from even before we got together as I was in the same social circle, and b) neither he nor they have ever even slightly alluded to it. I'm 100% sure it never crosses anyone's mind, 20 years later.
But if one or them was suddenly giving him the old suggestive eyebrow.....well actually I'd be mad on his behalf, cos they would have no right to make him feel uncomfortable like that! It'd bring out my protectiveness. I certainly wouldn't see it as a threat, just an arrogant mare who was being disrespectful. I certainly would limit contact.
Oh and making comments in front of your brother? WTF?! Has she no respect for literally any of the three of you?!
she's a trouble maker ... and cannot wait for you to find out she was 'there' first.... nasty girl
you need to gather your thoughts and emotions and be prepared to knock the wind out her sails....
and remember this... he MARRIED you... she was only worth a one night stand.... x
Have to be totally honest this would bother me so so much.
I'd absolutely hate the fact she thought her and my DP had some kind of secret I wasn't in on.
I also wouldn't want to socialize with someone my DP had had sex with. It would make me feel sick and I wouldn't be able to stop myself imagining all sorts of details and I would be jealous.
But that's me!
You sound more sensible than me, I would advise to never let her realize you are bothered. If she ever says it just be nonchalant and say "yes dear I know already, that's old news" and move on.
The next time she makes a dig you just have to look at her pityingly and say, very gently, 'SIL, you know DP and I don't have any secrets, don't you?'. Then immediately and briskly change the subject. Let her know you're embarrassed for her shit-stirring behaviour.
YANBU to be a bit shocked/taken aback but don't let it weigh on you My dad dated my DM's sister before he dated and married my DM. It's just a bit of silly past history. He always says he married the right sister!
Slightly different but I am gradually discovering that my own DH had short flings with many of his now good female friends, who I am good friends with too. It sort of feels odd, particularly as he never actually told me about any of them, it's just gradually coming out - but I remind myself I'm the one he chose.
You have no reason to doubt your DH. Your SIL is being a silly shit-stirring mare. Would love you to do exactly as Wando suggests!
Reading your last post : yes she clearly thinks this is the one thing she had over you.
And like you say, life is not a competition. It must be exhausting to be her. And probably quite miserable.
OP it happens. It is life. I have a similar story:
My DH slept with a woman when he was in his teens. Let's calls her A. He married and divorced his first wife, let's call her B. Fast forward B remarries C whose sister is A! A and B are sisters in law and both slept with my DH.
So another way to look at it is DH has slept with both his son's mother and auntie.
I think C has the worst part in this as his wife (B) and his sister (A) both slept with his wife's ex husband. So if he can be fine with it I'm sure everyone can.
It happens It's a small world.
"he MARRIED you"
No he didn't, the OP refers to him as her partner, not her husband.
I understand how unsettling this must be for you and she sounds like a conniving, jealous bitch.
However your dh should have told you - ages ago. He's the one who is supposed to be committed to you and put you first. His past is just that, his past, and had he told you at the beginning I would have been fine with it. It's embarrassing and disrespectful rolled into one.
I'd be furious with dh. Her, on the other had, as pp have said let her know you know, in an 'engineered' discussion but she needs to think it's no biggie. She'll hate that.
YANBU to be upset because it sounds like she is trying to upset you. You posted that she is a drama queen and I am guessing things are a bit quiet for her at the moment so she is using this to whip up some excitement. Try not to think of it, and when you do, think 'Poor her' because it is sad that the best use she can find for her time is to aggravate her friends and relatives.
Your DP slept with her once and didn't stay around. On the other hand he has chosen to be with you for a long time. That isn't terribly complimentary to her, I'm surprised she wants you to know that tbh. She sounds a bit silly.
Obviously they didn't do anything wrong. But tbh if me and DP regularly socialised with someone who DP had previously slept with I would have wanted him to tell me, not for any other reason than that if he didn't it would be like a secret between them. But once I found out it wouldn't bother me iyswim.
But I would now make a point of letting SIL know that you know and that you're not bothered by it in the slightest. Even if you are.
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