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To think I won't love my baby like people say I will

(66 Posts)
Toobloodytired Wed 08-Mar-17 22:02:57

Name changed, really don't want to be associated with any posts or threads I've put on.

Really struggling mentally with this pregnancy & although I talk to my baby, I don't feel this rush of love for him.....I don't feel connected.

It's as if I'm carrying him for someone else and as soon as he's here il be passing him over.

I'm 35 weeks, baby was planned, he just came a little earlier than and ex split.

Don't want to drip feed but don't want to say too much otherwise it'll be too "outing" as others would say.

I now sit here daily feeling absolutely nothing but guilt that I'm not "over the moon" about my baby arriving. I am sick and tired of "so! How far along are you?? Oh I bet you are so excited!!"

A part of me wants to be honest and say "you know what?? No, no I'm not excited in the slightest".

I know some will say "well, you should have kept your legs shut then".

Yes maybe I should have and yes if I could go back, I wouldn't have got pregnant, however I had this baby based on me and the father raising him, I didn't make a contingency plan in case I had to do it alone.

For once in my life, I was positive about this, I didn't think of the negatives, I didn't think of the what ifs & for one in my fucking life! They all happened!

StealthPolarBear Wed 08-Mar-17 22:05:20

You're shattered and in a difficult situation as well as heavily pregnant. It's totally allowed to not be full of the joys of spring.
you are allowed to growl at these people smile
However please talk to your midwife in case you are depressed. It may be that everything falls into place when the baby arrives or maybe it won't. You need to make sure support is in plave.

Enko Wed 08-Mar-17 22:06:49

It is really hard to understand the love of a parent until you become one. Even then for some it takes longer than for others. (different for each child too IMO)

I don't think you are unusual in feeling a bit like "who is that in there and how is it/she/he something to do with me?" Yet once they arrive it does change. for some it will change in an instant for others slower and over a longer time.

With everything you are likely dealing with. I think it would be more surprising if you didnt feel at least a bit apprehensive.

oh and YANBU

JohnLapsleyParlabane Wed 08-Mar-17 22:07:57

No wonder you feel disconnected, you've been through a lot. The love does come. When my DD was born, I missed my bump and was pretty stunned by the whole situation. I didn't get the sudden rush of love feeling, it sort of crept up on me over the first few months.
Please speak to your midwife or hv, and get some support. You can do this, and you will fall in love with your baby.

Wando1986 Wed 08-Mar-17 22:10:52

I'm currently in the 3rd trimester and feel exactly the same. We tried for over a decade to get pregnant and I 'should be over the moon'.

Apparently being mentally exhausted, still in shock and utterly stressed isn't an acceptable response to most people so I just smile, nod and say 'fine' a lot.

All I really want is a cuddle and to not feel like this. These are for you OP because flowers are always nice flowers

annandale Wed 08-Mar-17 22:14:07

I would agree that you might be depressed, but it's also possible that you're just normal and not in love with someone you don't even know yet.

People make conversation, don't base your life on random comments. I didn't feel a real rush of love for ds until last week quite a long time into his life, maybe a year or two? I had quite a lot of emotional moments but more of them were tearful or low than massive rushes. Did you ever see that postcard 'How can I miss you when you won't leave?' A bit like that - we were always together so it was hard to 'stand back' and get perspective on how I felt. I look at photos of us then, and though I shudder at some of the memories, I can also see how totally wrapped up I was in him. I did love him, but my love was a verb, I just took care of him and paid attention to him and actually didn't worry about the rest of it. He's a strapping 13 year old now and really is the apple of my eye, but I still don't conform to quite a few of the things parents are supposed to do. I have never checked on him, have worked full time since he was quite small and part-time since he was ten months old, and am quite slack about him doing stuff independently. That's just how we are and it's OK. Get yourself checked out but really, stop comparing yourself to others now, it's good practice.

Oh, and congratulations smile

LittleCandle Wed 08-Mar-17 22:15:23

Two days before my first baby was born, I remember breaking my heart because I was unable to take part in something that I did on that week annually. When then-H pointed out I was having a baby, I shrieked at him that I knew nothing about babies (true) and that I would far rather be doing this other thing, because then I wouldn't be hugely fat and barely able to waddle! I was lucky and felt an instant and overwhelming rush of love when DD1 was born, but two days before, the last thing on earth I wanted was to be pregnant and have a baby.

You're having a tough time right now and my heart goes out to you. Be good to yourself, and don't worry - your feelings are not that unusual. But do have a word with your midwife. Some support is always welcome and she may be able to do/say something to help.

JustMarriedBecca Wed 08-Mar-17 22:15:35

I think there is so much hype around experiencing a giant rush of love. I didn't get that with either baby. My second pregnancy I barely had time to realise I was pregnant because I was running around after a toddler. I certainly didn't feel connected.

I'd also say it was only around 8-10 weeks when I started to feel a connection to both babies. It wasn't PND, I'm just not particularly fond of the newborn stage. You don't get anything back and it's exhausting.

I love my two year old and four month old to pieces now. It just takes some people longer than films and books would have you believe.

AppleFlapjack Wed 08-Mar-17 22:18:09

I didnt really bond with with either of my DC before they were born. With DC2 i had a particularly hard pregnancy which was high risk, I didnt bond with the baby at all, i never talked to my bump and although we knew the sex I could only refer to them as 'it' and I was really worried how Id feel once they were born. I didnt feel that initial bond as the baby was rushed to special care and it was two weeks before I could have a cuddle, but it did come and we have a very close bond now. Its hard to bond with a bump in my opinion and I think a lot of pregnant women feel exactly the same as you, it has no reflection on how you will feel when they place the baby in your arms.

Armadillostoes Wed 08-Mar-17 22:18:41

Just sending hugs to OP and Wando. Lots of people have feelings like this and are fantastic loving parents once the dust settles. I second mentioning it to the midwife though, just in case it is depression. But it might well be the situation plus exhaustion plus people being different and emotions developing in different ways. YANBU though.

Toobloodytired Wed 08-Mar-17 22:24:41

So many people say to me "you won't understand the love a parent has for their child until you have one"....given the type of person I am, I am so very much struggling to understand that.

I feel so selfish & honestly I feel like the biggest cunt!

I hate being "fat", I keep telling myself "when the baby comes I can lose weight"

"When the baby comes, I can exercise"

"When the baby comes, I have a chance at dating again"

Wtf is wrong with me???!!

Why am I still all about me?? I I I that's all it is.

He doesn't deserve a mum like me, one who puts herself first, is worried about her own fucking want & needs.....upset because she's going to lose her carefree responsible life!

I feel so fucking guilty for falling pregnant, he didn't ask for this! sadsad

Midwives, mental health team are all on the case, are so helpful & supportive.

I just worry about admitting how I'm feeling right now.....

Mummamayhem Wed 08-Mar-17 22:26:03

I'm not sure many first time mums do bond with bump..? Enjoy pregnancy sure, feel excited maybe but mostly I think it is entering the unknown, the change, the adjustment is all new and quite frankly scary.. you don't necessarily have to feel a connection to baby but all that can and will come later. I promise.

PacificDogwod Wed 08-Mar-17 22:26:10

You feel what you feel - it's all normal and not uncommon.
Don't feel bad about it.

The emotions of pregnancy and motherhood are so, so complex and IMO rather heavily overrated and mis-sold.

Many many mothers (and fathers! - maybe even more so) don't really 'feel the love' before and immediately after baby's arrival. Yes, some people have the famous 'rush of love', but many many don't and gradually come to love their child.
Personally, while I felt very protective of my babies it took weeks and months for me to love them as individuals and I am a great mother even if I say so myself wink

All the hype of being 'over the moon' and 'sooooo excited' is such shite - it is perfectly possible to want a child AND be scared about the responsibility/life change/irreversible change of perspective.

Before I had DS1 I went to the cinema every day of my maternity leave prior to his arrival because I had this sneaky suspicion that I would not see a movie in a theatre for some time to come, and I was mourning that fact. I was right too. And I did watch some utter crap films in those couple few weeks...

Don't worry too much. Your baby will have you trained in no time.
You feel what you feel and that's alright.

PacificDogwod Wed 08-Mar-17 22:28:05

x-posted with you, Op

I'm glad you have support on board.
Do be honest with them though - they can only help if you are honest.

I'll repeat, what you are feeling is not uncommon, stop beating yourself up.

MrsDustyBusty Wed 08-Mar-17 22:30:53

You're a human. Only a vanishingly small number of people don't love their babies. Chances are excellent that you will. However, it's very hard to focus on loving someone you haven't met when you're experiencing stressful circumstances. I think many pregnant women worry about the long term effect of pregnancy on their bodies and plan for how they'll get back to normal afterwards. Of course you'd like to find a new relationship.

Even the best mother thinks about themselves sometimes, you have to.

user1486499646 Wed 08-Mar-17 22:31:00

I was like this even when i held her in my arms i diddnt feel the over whelming love. The next day is when it hit me now i love ny little girl mord than life its self they bring you so much joy and laughter you will laugh when you relise how much you love your child it really is something you can never feel with something else

Toobloodytired Wed 08-Mar-17 22:31:41

A part of me feels "if me and his dad aren't together then what's the point of having a baby, we planned him together".

I didn't have a second plan in place in case we split, I stupidly and naively assumed he'd stay, he'd step up, take responsibility.

I never in a million years imagined he'd leave & never be in contact again.

We had so many plans for our son, we had it all set I don't know what's going to happen

anametouse Wed 08-Mar-17 22:32:51

Honestly I think the way you feel sounds pretty normal. I wanted to be a mother so much my child was conceived by ivf after 4 years of trying. I Never bonded with my bump. Oh, and as a heads up - it's also perfectly normal to think "what the fuck have I done .. I can't look after this little human, I want my life back" even after the baby comes.

However, DS is 4 months old now, NOW I am crazy in love with him. I honestly told everyone I would never feel that way, I just didn't have it in me to be obsessed with a small lumpy human. But I am and it's wonderful.

But if you aren't, that's also ok. My friend took several years to fall for her children. She's a wonderful mum and her kids are amazing.

You aren't selfish, you are a normal human

PacificDogwod Wed 08-Mar-17 22:33:43

None of us know what's going to happen, love.

I am sorry things have not panned out as you had hoped - that is so upsetting and unsettling.
You will come up with a plan B. When you are ready. You will.

And your DS will give you a reason to do it thanks

anametouse Wed 08-Mar-17 22:34:42

Ps. Your ex sounds like an arsehole. Sorry he's not around for your little one

AmpleRaspberries Wed 08-Mar-17 22:38:13

As everyone has said it's completely normal to feel like this. Dd was very wanted, came after three MC and yet when they handed her to me I just thought 'who are you? I don't know you'. That first night I remember thinking I'd made a terrible mistake and really panicking. It was a few weeks before I felt that love, rather than just taking care of her. Three years on and none of that matters. I love her to bits, I'm not perfect, but it's fine.

As for being selfish, you're not, it's perfectly reasonable to want your carefree life to continue, it doesn't make you selfish it's just that the unknown is scary.

SummerHouse Wed 08-Mar-17 22:40:30

When people used to say to me "are you excited?" I wanted to punch them. At the scans i had to pretend to be interested. I felt nothing. When DS was born I wept for an entire night thanking a god I hadn't believed in for my baby.

Gemz1806 Wed 08-Mar-17 22:41:54

Please don't worry! The love will arrive when the baby comes! I didn't have these feelings with my 1st but with my 2nd was different, I forgot I was pregnant all the time, instant guilt, I didn't care was size fruit he was, instant guilt. All the time I wondered how "he" would fit into "our" lives, I worried I was fat, not pregnant. But I does change I promise!! You are growing a baby you have never held! Think of it like a flower, a stalk without the flower head is as dull as they come, but once the flower arrives you can take pride in what you feed and watered to achieve that! I know it sounds like horse shit but it's true!!

Toobloodytired Wed 08-Mar-17 22:43:58

I can't even get myself out of bed in the mornings, waking up is the current biggest task of my life.....I actually feel like a failure.

I will go to sleep from around now & sleep until well into the afternoon, I set an alarm for a decent time to get up but end up snoozing it then hate myself for hours for not getting up at the time I said I would.

I go to bed dreading the mammoth task of getting up & once I'm up I dread the day because I flame myself for being a shit person.

I thought pregnancy was going to be mentally amazing but physically's actually the other way around, it's so easy physically, I don't even waddle! I forget I'm pregnant, however mentally it's the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

I feel like I've been robbed of my first time being pregnant.

When I found out I was so over the moon, I couldn't believe I was finally starting a family, I felt like the luckiest woman alive.

Then he left & it's all gone downhill from there.

Toobloodytired Wed 08-Mar-17 22:47:28

I thought my depression was an issue then, it's 100x worse now

I've done nothing but had my AD's increased, I'm on a high dose but feel so down.

I just want to take happy drugs and not care for a while, not know wtf is going on.

A new day isn't a good thing, I just feel worse.

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