To think this is unfair on this 3 year old

[ogbu]

My friends and I go on a night out every fortnight. We arrange childcare for the night. My son goes to his dads anyway on alternate weekends and most of us have a partner at home or get a babysitter.

Now our friend hasnt been able to find anyone who is willing to babysit as her daughter sleeps so on our nights out she gets dressed, then takes her daughter at 9pm to a childminder that does overnight care. She takes her in a taxi.

We don't go clubbing we're too old for that! But we have a meal and a few drinks. This friend always gets a bit too drunk. She then orders a taxi which I sometimes share. She gets to the childminders house in the taxi and picks her daughter up. Her daughter is handed over to her tired, disorientated and distressed as she's suddenly been woken up and put into a taxi. She also takes a while to get to sleep at the childminders so goes about 11pm to sleep so has only been asleep for about three hours at this point.

She then has a 20 minute taxi ride and my friend takes her home and into bed. At this point it's 3:30am easily. She then sleeps until late that day or wakes at her usual time as is grumpy.

I've always suggested my friend just collect her in the morning and give her a full nights sleep and her a chance to sober up so she's not picking her up drunk. But my friend will not even consider that as she then has to get a taxi in the morning or the hassle of the journey by public transport when she's hungover. She would rather pick her up after her night out.

I've not discussed this with friends and don't want to. so that's why I'm asking here.

I understand she has no one to have her daughter and she wants a night out. But there are other options.

We regularly meet at hers, we have day time meet ups, she could come for just the meal and be back earlier. I'm sure she could find someone to babysit at her house.

I just feel sorry for the daughter being kept awake until 10pm, woken at 2am to be transported into a taxi with her drunk mother, then having to stay awake for the taxi ride, taken home, put to bed again. Having her sleep pattern disrupted like that.

If it was necessary than that's different. But all this is so her Mum can go clubbing.

It's not a child protection concern. But AIBU to feel sorry for the little girl?

[ogbu]

*for a drink not clubbing.

[Beth2511]

poor child! can you not mention it to yoir friend tactfully?

[IamChipmunk]

You said you don't go clubbing but then later say it's so her mum can go clubbing?

[ogbu]

Not read my update then chipmunk

Sometimes I call it clubbing but we're not dancing in a nightclub. Just sitting around having drinks.

[OopsDearyMe]

That's not on at all. Mum needs kicking into touch.

[Astoria7974]

It's once a fortnight - the late night won't kill her. the mum's being responsible by using a childminder. So I say leave it.

[ogbu]

The thing is beth it's not bad enough for that. I feel really sorry for the girl but it's not child abuse.

I just feel very sorry for her.

That doesn't mean I'm judging my friend. She just wants to go for a drink and I understand that. But I think there's other ways to achieve that without the current set up.

[Thetruthfairy]

I couldn't do that. Very selfish in my opinion - would she listen if you challenged her gently?

[littledinaco]

Poor little girl. Could your friend not use a babysitter/childminder at her house instead?

[ispymincepie]

Classy. Why are you friends with her?

[ogbu]

I've suggested this tactfully many times.

The childminder she currently uses has other children so can't and she hasn't found anyone who is willing to do it.

I'm sure here are babysitters but she doesn't seem to want to look for one. It seems a hassle for her too.

[MelinaMercury]

YANBU to be concerned, it doesn't sound ideal for a child of any age.

However, i'm confused. Does your friend go clubbing after your evenings? Just that you say you're too old for clubbing then "all this so her Mum can go clubbing".. and tbh I do think it's a child protection issue from a registered practitioner POV as I wouldn't be allowed or want to hand a kid over to a very drunk lone adult in the middle of the night.

In not saying don't get drunk then go home to your kid, we've all done that but to cart her around and wake her up just so she can get pissed is ridiculous.

[WellErrr]

I couldn't go out with her, personally.

[Funnyonion17]

I couldn't do it but it's not doing any harm. I feel sad for your friend having no help, maybe she could get a childminder to sit in at hers or a baby sitter with good feedback. That way the little girl stays settled.

[MelinaMercury]

Sorry X-post with updates.

[Broccolirevolution]

Depends how drunk really. If she is so drunk that you honestly believe she can't take care of her daughter then you need to speak up and refuse to be in this situation with her again.

If she's just a bit tipsy and is capable of pulling herslef together if she had to then actually I think it's important for mums to put themselves first sometimes. Big deal if they have a lazy day together the next day as long as the rest of the week is well structured.

[FeckinCrutches]

Where are you drinking till 3am if you're not in a club?

[ogbu]

She's not drunk off her face or I wouldn't let her take her.

She is more than tipsy though. Definitely reduced inhibitions and loss of physical control.

[ogbu]

We're drinking in bars. Many stay open until 3-4 am in the city.

We leave around about 2am but by the time we've actually ordered a taxi, arrived at the childminders it can take upto an hour.

[EdenX]

Its one disturbed night a fortnight, I really couldn't get worked up about it.

[Crumbs1]

I wouldn't ever have done it but it's her way of managing. I can't see long term harm will come of it and it's no worse than waking a child at 5am and taking them to a childminder in their PJs, is it? It's not child centric but I'm increasingly of the mind that child centric isn't necessarily the best way.

[NewtScamandersNaughtyNiffler]

Can the child (and friend if you have space) not stay at yours?
I have a couple of friends whos husbands look after their dc and mine when we go out and I return the favour by babysitting so they can have a night out together.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Blimey, can she not at least go out LESS than once a fortnight and cut down the frequency that this happens . I do have access to babysitters and a DH but it's been many years since I've been able to go for a night out with meals and drinks twice a month, due to cost. A night out like you describe and with taxis is expensive these days!

Seems a shame for the daughter if every other weekend her mum is leaving her with someone who is not her parent or a loving relative. Cant' your friend just put her social life on hold just a little bit for the sake of her daughter?

[Squirmy65ghyg]

Any childminder worth their salt would not hand over a kid to a drunk parent in the middle of the night.