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AIBU?

To contact his mum?

204 replies

saltyshoes · 08/03/2017 17:32

When DH was 17 he got a girl pregnant at Uni having a one night stand. She left Uni to have the baby and wanted nothing to do with DH. There was some doubt as to whether DH was the father at all. Three years later a social worker contacted DH and told him the mum wanted to marry and wanted her partner to adopt the boy. DH gave up his parental rights so the boy could be adopted by the mums partner.

That boy is now in his 20s and we have children together. Oldest DD has always known about her half-brother existed. She has turned 14 and is now on Facebook and has found him. She is very keen to contact him. DH is very hesitant as he's not even sure the boy knows he's adopted as the mum didn't want him to know. DH wrote to the mum but has never had a reply. I've explained to DD that this all very sensitive and could be upsetting but she's 14 and just doesn't get it and feels she didn't sign off on not contacting him. I'm afraid she's going to send him a message and feel like it might be best if I try to contact the mum to see if she will respond to me? Or should DH contact the boy?

DH doesn't want to upset him but is unsure what on earth is the best way forward. A random message from DD is surely not the best first contact?

OP posts:

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SaorAlbaGuBrath · 08/03/2017 17:33

Your DD needs to understand that this isn't about her, she could be turning somebody's life upside down for her own selfish reasons which isn't fair. She didn't "sign off on it" because it was nothing to do with her. I'm adopted and if I got some random message from a teenager I wouldn't even respond, but it would hurt, a lot.

MrsTwix · 08/03/2017 17:33

Can you ask the social worker to sort it out?

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 17:34

Your DD is old enough surely to understand the situation and know to hold back. This needs to be made very very clear to her.

BeerMuggles · 08/03/2017 17:34

eek, yeh, check first he knows he's adopted.

If the mother contacted your husband when her partner adopted her son then I'm sure you can take that as removing any doubt.

Mulberry72 · 08/03/2017 17:38

Your DD needs to back off, it isn't about her.

If the boy doesn't know he's adopted then it will cause a whole world of trouble. I'm adopted and would be fuming to get a message off some kid via FB saying she was my half sibling!

Andrewofgg · 08/03/2017 17:42

DD is old enough to understand the harm she could do and not old enough to be allowed to go ahead and do it. You must say no and mean it.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 08/03/2017 17:43

Also from a legal standpoint, she is not his sister, he is not her brother and your DH is not his father. Nobody has any right to march into his life and turn it upside down.

VintagePerfumista · 08/03/2017 17:45

You should all leave him alone.

He's in his 20s. ie, if he wanted anything to do with his father, he'd have made the moves himself to contact him.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 08/03/2017 17:46

She needs to come off Facebook until she is mature enough to be on there then.

This is absolutely not about her at all.

As the letter was ignored I would say that's a clear indication that his mother doesn't want contact for whatever reason. Your dh signed his rights away, he probably shouldn't have given enough information to your dd for her to track him down either.

Wonderpants · 08/03/2017 17:46

How did she know his name to trace him?

MrsJayy · 08/03/2017 17:47

He isn't really his brother he has a dad, how does she know his name ? I Think pp are right it is not about her she has to leave it alone just tell her to leave him alone.

highinthesky · 08/03/2017 17:47

There are procedures for birth parents to go through to contact the adopted child. Adoption is highly, highly complex and I agree has absolutely nothing to do with DD.

Your DD is just a child herself and doesn't have a clue about the implications of her initiative. Block her access to FB before she does any real damage.

Crispbutty · 08/03/2017 17:48

A perfect example here of the dangers of social media and why age limits are there for a reason. You need to explain to your daughter the untold damage she could do to this family and that she must not attempt to contact this man unless you get permission from his mother.

It would be unusual for him not to know by this age that he is adopted as his birth certificate will have been needed for things but there's still a slim chance he isn't aware yet. Very irresponsible of his parents if that's the case.

Your daughter also needs to understand that even if she contacts him, he may want absolute nothing to do with her or your family.

Huge can of worms.

Minniemagoo · 08/03/2017 17:49

Imo your DD had way too much info if she was able to track him down. Beyond knowing of his existence there was no reason she should have had identifying info, she is too immature to deal with this. All she can see is 'her rights' in her eyes.
Anyway barn door and all that I do think you need to be firm with her. Be adamant that she is not to contact this boy. Your Dh having relinquished his rights has now no right to either himself or hos family to disrupt this boys life. If he (the son) wants to seek out your Dh and his family thats his decision and his alone not one you, your Dh or especially your Dd should dictate.

hungryhippo90 · 08/03/2017 17:50

How does she know his full name? I'm assuming that his last name wouldn't be the same as hers?
Even so, however she knows his full name. She needs to be sat down and told that she is under no circumstances to message him and it's really none of her business. None whatsoever!

He may be quite happy with his life, without little girls popping up to tell him, oh by the way! I'm your sister! Your dad who you may not even know exists is my dad!

if she contacts him it's really selfish.

MrsJayy · 08/03/2017 17:50

I agree god knows why she was told his surname.

Somerville · 08/03/2017 17:51

Cancel her FB - way too immature to be on there.

needmymouthsewnup · 08/03/2017 17:51

Sorry, I agree. Your DH has no reason to be in this boy's life unless the boy himself seeks your DH out, and as such, your daughter needs to be told in no uncertain terms to leave well alone. It's none of her/your business. The boy will get in touch if he wants to, but as others have said, he may not even know. It could be a devastating revelation for him.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/03/2017 17:54

People are being very harsh on the dd, she is only 14 and is a kid herself, she won't have a full understanding of the impact that her actions will have on this man, and how it will affect him, its unfair to expect her to. But you have to tell her that in no uncertain terms, is she to contact this man. You need to seek advice from an appropriate adoption charity as to what to do and how to handle it. You do hear of birth parents tracing their adopted children as adults. But at the moment it is not the right thing for a 14 year old to do.

Foxysoxy01 · 08/03/2017 17:55

Oh dear....you need to make it very clear she cannot contact him!

She could absolutely ruin his life. It is very unfair of your DD to message him and I'm unsure what her reasons would even be other than curiosity and something to tell her mates, not good reasons to destroy his family for.

It's a worry she even knows his name tbh. The problem you now have is even if you block her FB she will probably go ahead and still do it at a mates house.
You really must make it clear what she will do and how very selfish it would be.

She probably shouldn't have been told until she was emotionally old enough to deal with it all.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/03/2017 17:57

Cancel her FB until she understands that this is someone's LIFE not a fucking reality tv show

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/03/2017 17:58

aero really? That is beyond selfish! You don't get to give your kid up then shove yourself back into their life when it suits you.

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watchoutformybutt · 08/03/2017 18:00

Who gave her his details?

HermioneJeanGranger · 08/03/2017 18:01

I feel sorry for the DD - she's 14 and wants to meet her brother. Of course she did what any kid would do - look him on FB and want to message him.

TBH she should never have known his last name for this reason - she's a kid and kids do impulsive things - not out of malice, just out of curiosity and nosiness!

Blocking her access to FB won't change what she knows, or prevent her from being able to contact him

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 08/03/2017 18:03

Aero at 14 the OPs DD is perfectly capable of understanding "no". Or should be at least. It fucking enrages me when people rabbit on about biology and blood family. Until I gave birth I'd never met anyone I share DNA with, it doesn't mean I don't have a family. If my biological mother and father have gone on to have more kids, they are not my siblings. Sharing DNA doesn't make you a family and it certainly doesn't give someone the right to turn another person's life upside down for their own selfish reasons.

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