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AIBU?

Another wedding one..

25 replies

user1488971792 · 08/03/2017 11:27

Hi everyone
After some advice, I haven't actually asked anyone yet! But.. Me and DP are getting married. We have just booked our wedding for 18 months time. I have 1 brother and no sisters. DP has 1 brother 2 sisters. DP and his db are not close. My brother is disabled and DP suggested that he would like him as his best man, because he is not close to his own brother, (we do see him but only 1/2 a year even though we don't live to far away) and he see's my brother as more of a brother. Also it would be something really lovely for my db to do to be able to get involved in the wedding as he would be able to have the wedding rings etc. I thought, because of this, my dp 2 sisters (who he is close to) I would ask one of them to be my maid of honour and the other my matron of honour. I know its traditional to only have 1 maid of honour but I'm having 4 other bridesmaids so would be nice to give them both a little bit of an extra role. I was going to ask them and say to them at the time that my db is going to be best man as we thought it would be nice for him to have someone from my side of the family by his side and likewise for me, it would be nice for me to have someone from his side by my side!! if you see what i mean. Do you think this is ok? I don't honestly think his brother will be hurt as they aren't close and we are still going to give him a role for the wedding. What does everyone think before we ask? thanks

OP posts:

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TeenAndTween · 08/03/2017 11:35

I think that having your brother and not his for Best man could be perceived to be a very public snub. Much more so than if your DP just chose his best mate.

I also think that 6 bridesmaids sound like quite a lot, but it's your choice.

Bantanddec · 08/03/2017 11:35

At the end of the day he can anyone as his best man, it's his wedding!! It's nice he wants your brother, if he's not close to his own brother it seems pointless to have him as best man for the sake of tradition and family politics.

LevantineHummus · 08/03/2017 11:38

There's a difference between not being that close and it just being the way things are and having everyone see that your brother doesn't think that much of you. Only you know the circumstances and personalities, but it's something to be tactful with depending on personalities.

Otherwise it sounds lovely.

Happyandhungry · 08/03/2017 11:38

Sounds fine to me, best advice i can give for weddings is to do what feels right for you both and ignore everyone else! If you know your partners brother wont mind as they arent close then thats fine then. Go fot it.

Happyandhungry · 08/03/2017 11:38

*for

SaucyJack · 08/03/2017 11:40

Don't either of you have best friends that you'd want to be BM/MoH? You don't have to have anybody's brother/sister there.

It sounds like you're getting yourself in a bit of tizzy trying to get as many siblings in there as possible. If that's what you both want..... then fine- it's your wedding.

If not, just chill and pick a mate. There's no saying anyone else will care a tenth as much as you as to who you pick.

MrsPeelyWaly · 08/03/2017 11:44

I think its lovely that your DP wants your brother to have such a significant role in the wedding.

I have a disabled son, he's a young man now, and my other children all made sure he was a huge part of their big day - as did their partners.

sonyaya · 08/03/2017 12:06

Nothing wrong with 6 bridesmaids! It's expensive but as long as you can afford the cost go for it!

As for the brother, I can see it might cause offence but you know his brother and I don't. He could have 2 best men. A friend of mine who has 2 brothers chose both of his.

CMOTDibbler · 08/03/2017 12:12

I'd agree that it would be a very public snub to your BIL tbh. He could have your brother and his brother as ushers along with his sisters, and choose a best man from his friends

Scottishchick39 · 08/03/2017 12:15

As previously said he could have two best men, my husband couldn't decide between his two mates so had them both. I didn't ask my sister to be my BM, I chose our daughter and one of my BF. Don't think it upset anyone TBH.

LexieLulu · 08/03/2017 12:31

His brother could be an usher, so he will still be suited and booted, would have a role, and be in the pictures. That way every sibling is in the wedding party?

I think your husband to be is lovely for suggesting your brother

user1488971792 · 08/03/2017 12:51

Thanks everyone!! Mixed reviews. My brother will not be able to do a speech, so we were still going to ask his db to do a speech and were going to explain to him that it would be hard for my brother to have a role. My dbro couldn't really be an usher as he wouldnt understand. if my dbro was best man and did the ceremonial bit at the church and with the rings he (my dbro) could be closely supervised as there is people there and he needs 1:1 and he could hand the rings over. So its trying to please everyone. I'm having quite a few bridesmaids as I would have his two sisters anyway and i have childhood friends which i have been friends with for over 20 years and I couldn't choose between them, it would be a snub and I'm also having his dbro's partner as well as don't want to cause hurt feelings! So both his dbro and his partner have a role. My DP wanted my brother, was not my suggestion and to be honest I hadn't given this side of things any thought yet!

OP posts:

Nairsmellsbad · 08/03/2017 12:57

Sounds like the two of them would actually be sharing the role - personally I'd leave it at that and effectively have two best men. But it's your wedding, your families, your choice.

RiversrunWoodville · 08/03/2017 13:04

Fwiw I think it's lovely and you both sound as though you are trying to make everyone happy as well as yourselves. Hope you have a fantastic day and a very happy marriage

user1488971792 · 08/03/2017 13:11

Aww thank you Rivers! I know its our day but my family (including his!) mean the world to me and last thing I want to do is upset anyone. Its trying to fit everyone in! Politics of weddings!

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PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/03/2017 13:15

If they are going to be 'sharing' the role then imo have them both as best men.

Allthebestnamesareused · 08/03/2017 13:26

Have them both as Best Men ( I have seen that done before - especially where one was too shy to do speeches).

The only advice I would give regarding DP sisters as Maid/matron of honour is NOT to say because my DB is bestman otherwise they will feel you are obliged to pick them.

Just ask them to be them without any justification being given - let it be just because you want them to be them!

MGFM · 08/03/2017 13:31

Honestly, unless you are super close to his side of the family, I really wouldn't have them in the wedding party. My brother's wife asked me to be a BM at heir wedding several years ago. It was just weird . We weren't close. I would have preferred not to have been.

Skyllo30 · 08/03/2017 13:33

Have 2 best men. My fiancé is having his best friend and his grandfather be his best men. I'll either have 2 maids of honour or none as I can't choose between 2 friends and I don't have sisters.

MGFM · 08/03/2017 13:34

Usually the bridesmaids are the brides friends and family - for good reason. They are to support and enjoy the wedding with their close friend. Throw random in law to be into the mix and it is a bit awkward I think.

user1488971792 · 08/03/2017 13:40

I would be having his sisters anyway. me and DP have been together 12 years so we are close! and in fact i knew them before DP! So definitely will be having them anyway. It then seems bad to leave the other sister in law out (DP- DBros fiancé!!) if you see what i mean?

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MommaGee · 08/03/2017 13:47

I think him asking your Brother is lovely and on an ARSE would take umbrage with sharing the role which is technically what it is if your BIL is doing a speech.
I had MOH, 4 BRIDESMAIDS and 2 flower girls so no judgement on numbers. Is on SIL married and one not? I'd look at going MOH and chief bridesmaid and MOH walks first and holds your bouquet etc, CB makes sure the bridesmaids behave etc.
Weddings are two families joining so it's great to involve everyone.

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user1488971792 · 08/03/2017 13:55

Thanks mommaGee, No other sister in law is not married, but again they have been together for a long time, and if I don't have her as a bridesmaid, she will be the only one left out! Which to me seems a bit mean? and would be seen as a snub along with the sharing the role for best man?? When we booked the wedding I didnt even think of all the politics!! i was just looking on pinterest for pretty things and it was DP who brought it up! When i was saying all this he was looking at me as if i was mad haha. He was quite happy to just have my dbro but i said to him my dbro wouldnt be able to do the speech anyway and for the sake of feelings let his own brother play a role in the best man duties somewhere!! Once its all sorted it will make me feel happier. I don't mind paying a bit extra for all the bridesmaids (we are also having 4 flower girls ) for everyone to be included and to have all my close family around me

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TheBruteSquad · 08/03/2017 17:13

If it were me I would probably have 2 best men - seems like a logical division of labour too: your DB does the ceremony/rings and your BIL does the speech.

And I'd have his 2 sisters as bridesmaids, and not bother with a maid/matron of honour.
I don't think you need to ask your BIL's partner as well though. Especially as you have a large bridal party already, unless you want to of course!

user1472334322 · 08/03/2017 17:52

My friend's dh had 4 best men when they got married a few years ago. They were his 4 best mates (he has no siblings). It was absolutely fine. Good luck and many happy years to you both.

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