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Am I going mad or is this controlling?

(61 Posts)
BabbleLands Wed 08-Mar-17 08:37:51

Brief facts
I work pt. I pay a set amount into joint account as 'D'H controls all the finances as he says I'm useless with money. So basically after paying in this set amount I have £X to buy groceries and for anything else I might want.

I recently arranged to see a personal trainer to pass a job related fitness test I'm struggling with. This costs £25 per half hour and the trainer has been v reasonable as I'm on a tight budget and says I can see him once a fortnight to check in with progress and follow a training plan he has set out in between.

This morning DH has found about it and basically gone ballistic to the point of me and DS being in tears, shouting and bawling at me that I'm wasting money, were skint, that he could do it for nothing (train me) etc etc.
He them accused ME of upsetting DS and said DS would never choose to live with me. We have had problems before and I have said I wanted to leave. Right now I feel scared, vulnerable, stupid and deflated.

I feel the trainer knows what he's doing and £50 per month is not unreasonable as an amount to spend on myself, as I'll still be able to buy food etc. And although 'd'h claims we are skint incidentally, there mysteriously always seems to be enough money for his alcohol (which he buys).

Aibu? Am I mad?

SmokyMountains Wed 08-Mar-17 08:40:27

To say to you that your DS would never choose to live with you is so, so awful. Aside from the financial stuff that alone would be a dealbreaker for me. What a horrible bully.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants Wed 08-Mar-17 08:41:39

Only mad for staying
No you are NOT being unreasonable. Get your ducks in a row

IamFriedSpam Wed 08-Mar-17 08:42:13

YANBU this is absolutely controlling and verbally abusive behaviour. I do think you need to leave, hopefully other people will be along with more concrete advise. Do you have friends or family nearby? How old is DS? flowers

NavyandWhite Wed 08-Mar-17 08:42:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flapjackfairy Wed 08-Mar-17 08:43:58

Definitely not you. He sounds awful and abusive.
Your son deserves better than this from his dad as do you.
Sending a hug xx

KateDaniels2 Wed 08-Mar-17 08:44:05

He is a dick.

Although i wouldnt be inpressed if we were skint and dh decided to spend £50 per month without us at least discussing it.

But thats in the view of a normal non controlling relationship.

That said, his reaction is awful and I would urge to to start preparing to leave.

BeerMuggles Wed 08-Mar-17 08:45:48

Another one advising you to get your ducks in a row here. My x was v financially abusive. I was living on the children's allowance. I'm surprised he didn't demand that went in to his account tbh.

empirerecordsrocked Wed 08-Mar-17 08:45:53

Is there a bigger issue here (you mention his alcohol)? He's worried he won't be able to buy it if you go the pt?

Costacoffeeplease Wed 08-Mar-17 08:46:17

So wrong on so many levels

ChocChocPorridge Wed 08-Mar-17 08:47:13

Hold on - so you pay a set amount into a joint account, but buy groceries out of what's left?

Groceries for all of you? What's the money in the joint account for then?

In any case, if he couldn't keep it together enough to discuss it sensibly, rather than angrily enough to make your son cry, this is not a good relationship to be in.

Do not listen to what he says about where your son would live. The courts want to maintain the current status quo for the children as much as possible.

BabbleLands Wed 08-Mar-17 08:48:18

Kate I didn't discuss it because he would have said no.

I feel in theory anyway, the money I have after I pay into joint account is 'mine' as long as I can provide food then any surplus is for me. I know this isn't how finances work in a normal relationship but I don't feel we're normal, he always deals with the money and I don't have access to or use the joint account as it's just a money in / money out bill paying account. I have a separate account just in my name which the rest of my salary stays in (after paying out contribution to joint account).

BabbleLands Wed 08-Mar-17 08:49:43

The money in joint account goes on mortgage, loans, household bills, gas, broadband, water, electricity, cars etc etc.

Greyponcho Wed 08-Mar-17 08:51:08

So you don't get to see what your money is being spent on once it enters the "joint" account?
It's not on.
Sounds like financial abuse.

HerBluebiro Wed 08-Mar-17 08:51:15

Why do you have to buy food out of your spends if you have a joint account? Bills like family food come out of the joint account then individual costs (like presents for each other. Hobbies. 'Just because' outfits for the kids. Non work clothes for adults. Basically all discretionary spends) come out of your monthly spending money

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 08-Mar-17 08:51:47

What do you get out of this now?. Indeed you would only be mad for staying; there is no benefit whatsoever for you or your son to stay.

This is a relationship issue more than an AIBU one. I would post your initial post in Relationships too.

Yes he is abusive and in multiple ways towards you both as well. There is emotional abuse and financial abuse present. Such people are rarely solely financially abusive and he is indeed being abusive towards you in other ways too. His actions are all about power and control; he wants absolute.

This is no life for you and your child and you need to make plans to leave this individual (does he have a drink problem as well?). Womens Aid can and will help you leave this person. 0808 2000 247 is the number you need to call. Your son certainly cannot grow up thinking this is at all normal and for him to potentially copy his dad as an adult.

BeerMuggles Wed 08-Mar-17 08:54:09

Cancel the PT, save the 50 quid per month. Do youtube fitness tutorials and save the 50 for your post apocalypse, he will not make it easy for you.

BabbleLands Wed 08-Mar-17 09:01:52

Her bluebiro,i don't know - that's just the way it's developed.
As I usually do the food shopping I guess he thinks it's logical for me to use my debit card. He says if I access the joint account I can't control my spending and will get us overdrawn.
I have gone along with the arrangement as having less money (leftover in my account) does make it easier to budget and not buy unnecessary impulse purchases. But we never discuss things calmly together.

I don't feel the money is ours, it's very much 'his' and 'mine' which is why I feel it's not on for him to be telling me what to do with 'my' money. I don't tell him what to do with his.

Indeed he once bought a really impractical item, I won't say what as it might out me, for almost £300, on impulse which he used once and I later saw in a 'cash converter shop' for sale at £60, which means he would have received about £30 I expect, if that.

pipsqueak25 Wed 08-Mar-17 09:03:08

i think you should be looking for a positive future and getting rid of this idiot, you and ds deserve so much better in life.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 08-Mar-17 09:06:01

Have you ever rinsed out the joint account previously?

Is there any legitimate reason for him thinking you cannot control yourself around money

BabbleLands Wed 08-Mar-17 09:08:53

Needs a sock, no although before we met I was overdrawn. DH paid off the overdraft and when we married his name got added to my account so it became the joint account. The account I have now is a new account in my name only.

ChocChocPorridge Wed 08-Mar-17 09:09:37

It's a joint account though - just go to the bank and ask for a statement for it so you can see what's going on. Hell, ask for a card too while you're there - they'll even deliver it to branch for you to go in and pick it up if you want to keep that secret (although, if you feel you have to, I think that should tell you everything you need to know about your relationship)

fairweathercyclist Wed 08-Mar-17 09:10:44

Food is a joint expense. I would be calculating how much I spend on food, and deducting half that amount from the amount I put in the joint account.

Although, if he earns more than you, you should be paying in proportion with your earnings, not half each.

DH and I pay into a joint account for bills and food. but he pays in less than I do because he earns less.

HappyFlappy Wed 08-Mar-17 09:10:59

Empty the joint account - it is legally as much your money as his - and then run like the wind, with your child in your arms, and don't look back.

What you choose to spend YOUR money on is YOUR business.

It doesn't matter whether it's something for your family, or whether it's getting astrological readings on a daily basis to guide your life - it's YOUR money and you can dispose of it how you see fit, as long as no-one in the family is suffering.

How old is your DS? And what makes your financially-abusive H thinks your son would not want to live with you?

fairweathercyclist Wed 08-Mar-17 09:13:17

So if you earn say 1/3 of his salary, you should be working out what the bills cost and putting in 1/3 of their value. minus 1/3 of the amount you spend on food.

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