DP accepted job with large pay cut without any discussion

[Exileinengland1999]

DP has been unhappy in current job for a while (and to be honest has never been happy in any job for 17 years of relationship) and had an interview this week for a new job which he has now accepted.
But with no discussion with me and it's a massive pay cut and we are already struggling.
I manage the household finances and have to keep a rein on things as he is irresponsible with money and spends with no clue as to consequences/ bills to be paid etc.
This new job will put us in an even trickier position and yet he has given zero thought to the impact it will have on the family.
I feel under massive pressure to just accept the decision (I work 4 days a week but also do all the childcare/ housework etc) because he says that the other job is making him very stressed and yet he has given no thought to the stress an income cut will put on our family.
Aibu to be pissed off at the lack of thought/ discussion about this? He is making me feel as though Iabu for not just accepting it but I feel as though I have to pick up the pieces all the time

[MooseBeTimeForSnow]

Have you sat him down and shown him the numbers?

[Exileinengland1999]

I havent had a chance tbh- he's just gone and done it

[SymphonyofShadows]

He needs to explain how he is going to make up the shortfall, like a second job. I suspect he'd like that even less than his current situation.

If he won't listen then I would demonstrate what the reality will be - cut right back on food buying (for the adults), and cancel anything unnecessary that he enjoys, like Sky etc.

[KatharinaRosalie]

Well at least with this more relaxing job he can take over all household and childcare..

[Supermagicsmile]

Agree..he will have to step up and help with housework and childcare and possibly also get a second job to make up the short fall.

[Believeitornot]

Sit him down with the numbers and show him.

Ask him for ideas on how you'll manage as a family.

And yes he can step up and help more.

It sounds like you've let him get away with being rubbish with money, so much so that he makes these sorts of decisions. Put the ball in his court and enable him to take more financial responsibility

[ShotsFired]

DP has been unhappy in current job for a while (and to be honest has never been happy in any job for 17 years of relationship)

Unfortunately sounds more like a DP problem than a job problem.
It sounds immature, tbh. Your working life isn't meant to be a happy skip through each and every day. It's good if you like your work, but it is "work", not "have fun time".

We all have to do things we don't want to, it's called being a grown up.

[AddictedtoSnickers]

If you manage finances OP and he is poor at money management, open up a separate account and put a small amount of money in it for him each month. Don't allow him free spending access to the joint account or you could end up in debt.

[RainbowsAndUnicorn]

Will he earn less than you? If so, then he needs to work out how to make up his share of the bills. If he earns more then he is still pulling his weight financially whilst allowing you to work part time.

We spend a long time in work to be unhappy.

[ArchNotImpudent]

Could you increase your hours to F/T and get him to do his fair share of the housework/childcare - which he should have been doing anyway as you're already working four days?

[Itisnoteasybeingdifferent]

I have been in your DP's situation. Lost every job I ever had. Then after a quarter of a centuary of trying and always getting it wrong... I gave my well paid job with a local council that has a gold plated public sector pension.

My wife stood by me because she could see I am not mentally stable. But she loves me and still does. Yes we are short of money. Yes we are very worried about our retirement.

But we are still married.

You will get (already have got) a lot of support for telling him that his most important job is to earn money and that he has been selfish and unreasonable. You will probably get a lot of support if you suggest LTB.

Shots Fired has the right of it. DP has a problem. It may be that he is feckless. But it may also be that like me he is mentally unstable. If so and you walk out on him it is likely to have long lasting damaging effects.

[TheNaze73]

Could you go full time?

[Graceflorrick]

Perhaps he was sacked and found another job, but is too embarrassed to tell you? It's odd for someone to take a substantial pay cut, isn't it?

[expatinscotland]

'My wife stood by me because she could see I am not mentally stable. '

So you do your fair share of the housework and childcare then?

[outabout]

Certainly sounds like DP needs to 'readjust'. Do rather more at home (if he isn't), get a grip on the real money situation. Maybe remortgage for a better 'deal' and get some help to find out why he has a problem. Knowing why may suggest ways of combating it.
Although you may be angry at the moment and yes it was unreasonable UNLESS he was sacked, on the basis you love him give it some time and discussion before doing anything drastic.

[OneInEight]

I would be upset if it was not discussed but I think it is perfectly reasonable for somebody to resign from a job that is making them unhappy even if it means a pay cut. Infact dh hated his job so much that I practically blackmailed him into resigning because his misery was making all of us unhappy. For us it was the right decision.

[Didiusfalco]

Surely life is too short to carry on doing a job you hate? He hasn't just walked out he has found other employment. So that's reasonable, but now he doesn't get to bury his head in the sand - he has to take responsibility for making cut backs so you can manage your money. He also has to pitch in with regards to childcare and housework. It's time for him to step up. He can't have his cake and eat it. Don't let him abdicate responsibility OP.

[ElisavetaFartsonira]

I think I'd be more annoyed about his general frivolity with money and uselessness in the house than him leaving a job he hates.

[Joey7t8]

YABU. Being miserable at work for 5/7ths of your life is no way to live.

[ElisavetaFartsonira]

It does concern me that he's never been happy in any job in 17 years. Makes one less inclined to give the benefit of the doubt that this is simply one of those unavoidable, intolerable situations that sometimes arises.

While I maintain that the pay cut is less important than the financial and household irresponsibility, I agree with the poster upthread who said this might be a DP problem rather than a shit job problem. There are some people who just don't cope well with the workplace in general, but if that's the case he should be ensuring he contributes in other areas.

[GurneyGob]

Whatever his problem he should have talked to you about it. Is he generally poor at communicating with you?

I think some people are being very hard on you OP - it is horrible fro your DP to be in a job he hates BUT he should have discussed it. It is YOUR (joint) future as a family that is at stake and decisions like that should be agreed. I bet if he had sat down and explained how awful he was feeling, asked did you think you could manage with less money etc you would probably have agreed that he should take the new job. However, he has taken away your portion of control over a decision that affects you.

I know how you feel my partner did this many times over the years and it has caused problems for us. Not so much because of the financial troubles that ensued but the lack of communication and ability to confide in me as a partner and not some "scary" figure of authority.

Itisnoteasy postulated that perhaps your DP has a MH issue with it. I can see looking back that my DP had form for leaving jobs/ signing up for yet more Uni degrees when something else big was happening or had recently happened in our lives - births, deaths, house moves, DC serious illness etc even though his actions made life much harder for us all. Can you see a pattern?

[Kiroro]

has never been happy in any job for 17 years of relationship

My god, he is a dreamer who thinks he is too good to work. Really hate people like that who impose their delusions of grandeur on other people and fuck over their families.

[RB68]

I think the point here for discussion is the actul lack of discussion about it - a joint decision with equal input is fine, dealing with the practicalities to ensure that they don't end up on the streets is fine, just doing it and sod the consequences is not YANBU

[HeadDreamer]

To those who say the OP DP is a dreamer and need to man up. Well isn't it incredibly sexist to say it? Would you say the same to a woman who gave up a job she doesn't like and go PT? She always can explain she wants a better work life balance, to be there with the kids etc etc. It is incredibly unfair.

If the job is making him very unhappy then he should be able to find something else. It's not like he says he won't work now is it? He will still be a contributing member of society.

The OP can go and find a full time job that pays more. And then maybe you can also wish you want a less stressful job!