Reduced social circle(5 Posts)
MN is so harsh sometimes.... There's so much arm-chair "LTB" or "If my DBro said that to me I'd be NC" or "Ditch this friend... she is a USER".
I do get sticking up for yourself... not being a doormat.
But I'm horribly gobby with a rubbish filter. I say out-of-order things ALL THE TIME. I don't mean to, but I do.
Should I be dumped for that by everyone I know?
I completely rely on friends, family.... people who love me... being understanding and - ultimately - forgiving. Not that I don't need to apologise. But making a mistake... getting things wrong. Does that really mean I'm ditched without ceremony never to be allowed back in? What about the other side of me, which is generous and caring and puts myself out?
This isn't a thread about me, I've just used myself as an example.
In RL, are you really as quick to completely and permanently dump people who are close to you?
And doesn't that ultimately leave you (principled, perhaps) but isolated and alone?
Or do other MN-ers have a non-ending supply of friends and family members?
I have a friend who puts on me quite a bit, frequently forgets to say thanks even when I have really put myself out for her and is frequently moody and we ( the circle of friends she is part of) have to tread on eggshells. However we have been friends for about thirty years now since our teens, at times she is entertaining and good fun and I do honestly believe that if I were really in trouble and needing her help she would be there for me so I try to look at the whole picture. When I have described to work collegues some of the things she has done ( when I have really needed to let off steam ) they look at me in disbelief that I put up with it. If I was to dump her it would affect the whole friendship group we are part of.
I think its usually a lot more complicated than that. I'm no contact with my parents, I have been since I left home in my teens. I had an abusive childhood and my parents are not people I want in my life - I escaped as soon as I could.
When people go nc its usually (IMHO) because the person is is a nasty fucker underneath it all, not just has a case of foot in mouth. Its quite a hard thing to come to terms with, even when you know you've gone nc for the right reasons and when its for the best, I don't think there are many people who seriously do it spur of the moment or on a whim, its usually a long time coming.
I have NC my sibling for something that hurt me deeply, even if they offered what they considered a reasonable explanation. They arent a bad person and we agree on an awful lot of stuff and outlook on life. But the one time sibling wasnt there for me it was the one time I would have moved mountains for sibling had the situation been reversed. However, I will not expect anyone in my family to take sides as its between me and sibling.
If, OP, you are as balanced as you say - with the acts of friendship and its foot-in-mouth disease that is your problem - then they balance each other out. Its usually when there is all take and no give that friendships suffer.
I have lost a couple of friends for them not getting on with my partners then lost some parts of my social circles but I found new things to do, new people to meet and its all fine. I suppose I can say I have never had a lifelong friend who knows and cares about everything about me. But I have never missed that. I have a best friend who I've known for several years and we message each other a couple of times a day, or go quiet for a week, it just depends. But we rarely see each other and never go out on the town and let loose.
I do think a lot of posters who tell others to say certain things to people, would NEVER say it themselves. 'Tell that friend who is irking you to piss off,' 'leave your husband coz he snores,' 'tell your mother in law she's a cunt,' 'tell the bitch at work who is making you cry to fuck off, and go take a long walk off a short pier!'
I could go on. No way have all the people who have ever suggested stuff like this ever done it themselves. Sorry but I just don't believe it. For a fleeting second.
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