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To need a few words of support?

(11 Posts)
swannview Tue 07-Mar-17 14:51:25

I have posted in here as I'm hoping it may be the kick up the arse or the non MN hug support I need- either way, I'm not sure.

I separated last summer after a 12 year marriage which was full of emotional abuse and at times physical. 3 DC. I have no surviving family and his are overseas as he is foreign.

We tried to be civil for the sake of the kids but it just didn't work. I found out last week he had asked a girl who worked for us to get close to me so I would open up to her and she could tell him anything I said. I had to contact the police this weekend and log incidents of emotional abuse and the cases of domestic violence in the past. He has drained the life out of me.

Leaving was my decision. It took a lot of balls with not having any family to support me. I should be embracing my new freedom- he certainly is with new business prospects, a wide circle of friends and certainly no worries on the finance front.

My life now should be all about adventure- rediscovering myself, focusing on what makes me happy, but instead all I have is worry and dread. I am extremely lucky to have my DCs, my health and a roof over my head, so AIBU to feel so bloody low and resentful?

This wasn't the way I ever imagined things to be- lost my dad at 16, mum at 23 and almost lost my son at birth. I'm now adding divorce to the list.

I'm 32, and want to make something of my life but I'm holding back because I've always been compared to others and been told I'm not good enough. AIBU to want to be someone and something and look back in years and say 'I did it'? I'm probably not, but fear of losing money (money that is very tight), and years of being made to feel useless has been concreted in my mind sad

HumpMeBogart Tue 07-Mar-17 15:23:41

You are someone and something: you're a mum who found the strength to leave her abusive husband and make a new life for herself and her kids. That's absolutely massive and deserves huge respect.

Don't underestimate the toll that change takes on us - even good change.

What would you like to do? Do you work?

ClaireLumia Tue 07-Mar-17 15:58:18

Bloody hell OP give yourself a break. I know from experience how hard it is to leave someone when your self confidence is rock bottom. I'm like you and felt that I've failed somehow by being divorced. Was saying this to a friend recently and she was amazed that I felt like that and told me straight not to be so daft as she was impressed that I'd handled everything myself (divorce, buying and moving house, making sure my sons were OK etc) as it takes guts to change a situation.

Give yourself time and it will get easier I

CheshireChat Tue 07-Mar-17 16:00:19

This is exactly how abuse works, it chips away at you until something has got to give and whilst what you did is amazing, please don't expect things to get back to being normal straight away.

Could you set yourself a short term goal and aim for that for now?

You are in no way shape or form useless. You did a very brave thing leaving an abusive marriage and as a result you have done your children a massive favour. I know how hard it is, I've been there. Just look at the bigger picture rather than the here and now because believe me when I say this time in a year or two your life will be wonderful and you will know it was the best decision you ever made.

swannview Tue 07-Mar-17 16:04:52

I think that's it- I have a lot of time on my hands to mull things over when the kids are at school. This is time that I could be using to further my interest in crafting and selling online, but it's a vicious circle of no self-esteem, little energy and punishing myself for wasting the time I do have.

I would love the opportunity to retrain. Unfortunately I am out of work. I worked in the business which is in his name, but left for obvious reasons. I have A-levels, an interpreting certificate and am almost fluent in a second language, but the need for that language is sparse in this region and so interpreting work is few and far between.

Childcare is the big issue with having no surviving family. At the moment there is nothing solid in place regarding the ex having them on set days, so everything is still very much up in the air.

Maybe I am being too harsh on myself, I'm not sure. I just see friends busy in their own lives with work, families etc and yearn for that busyness I guess sad

HumpMeBogart Tue 07-Mar-17 16:23:04

What about looking for online written translation work instead of verbal interpreting work? Not sure if you need a qualification but it's worth a try?

swannview Tue 07-Mar-17 16:28:46

I think I need a separate qualification, but certainly worth looking into!

I'm a libra and so bloody indecisive- quite possibly my worst trait.

I read a few weeks back that you don't need to worry about the competition, instead strive to BE the competition. Words that really stuck with me.

If I only had the courage to take the plunge and put in the work and money into my homewares business, it might just be the boost I need. However, I'm scared of it not working and being in more debt than I need.

HumpMeBogart Tue 07-Mar-17 19:39:19

Sorry to detail the thread a bit - a friend left uni with a language degree, so nearly fluent but no qualifications in interpretation / translation. She got a job in an IT firm translating their documentation and stayed for 8 years.

Or look into how / how much it would be to get qualified?

For your own business - is it worth trying to find a mentor? Look for local business meetup groups, go some googling, email other people who've done something similar and ask if you can buy them lunch for a bit of advice. I'd be really flattered if someone approached me like that - and you've got nothing to lose by asking except the price of a bowl of pasta smile

HumpMeBogart Tue 07-Mar-17 19:39:47

*do some googling (not go)

swannview Tue 07-Mar-17 21:37:20

That sounds really interesting! Thank you for sharing. I think having a second language is a useful skill to have, so I guess being married to a foreigner had some perks grin

I'm honestly my own worst enemy. I was in a marriage where success to him was all about money and status. Now I have this preconceived idea that I'm only going to get places in life if I have thousands in the bank and a label to go with it. I know that's not true, but I am also lonely, very lonely.

I've taken to going to bed at 9pm because I'm bored of my own company. I'm lucky to have a small group of friends through school, but everyone is so busy with their own lives and families, and especially as things are very rough at the moment with STBXH and I, we don't have an arrangement in place regarding the children and the days he will have them.

I guess I'm looking for my purpose in life, and that sounds so silly. I have three beautiful DC and my health to be so thankful for. I'm looking for my 'get up and go' but it's nowhere to be seen sad

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