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Children in the basement and the nanny's boyfriend!

(212 Posts)
ElGatodelCanto Tue 07-Mar-17 09:50:58

Sorry I had to name change, but would very much appreciate any perspectives on WWYD in this situation.

DD went to a sleepover at a school friend's on Saturday. DH and I have met the parents a few times - they had a drinks party at their house a few months ago and we've been as part of a larger group for dinner there. They have been to our home once, again as part of a larger group.

This family has quite unusual living arrangements in that the DC live and sleep with the nanny in the basement apartment and the parents live in the 3 or 4 floors upstairs. The nanny has been with them a few years I think. She seems lovely and very competent. Many people assume she is the mum I think, as she comes to all assemblies and music recitals, that kind of thing, as well as doing all schooldrop offs and pick ups. I see her around, at the school and sometimes at the gym.

When DD returned from the sleepover she'd had a lovely time and wants to go again. However, she told me that the nanny's "boyfriend" had been there in the evening. In her words, she "saw them kissing" in the kitchen and the boyfriend was "squashing" the nanny against the wall and they were making "loud noises". These are DD's words. She says she doesn't think he stayed the night as he wasn't there in the morning. DD's friend has whispered to DD that this man was not really allowed there. The parents are away a lot and I don't think they were there over the weekend.

DH is livid about this. He says he will not have his daughter exposed to this kind of thing and that this nanny could have let any Tom or Harry in and it's not acceptable. He has now gone on a business trip, but wants me to speak to the mother.

I'm not sure it's my business to speak to the mother as I feel as if I know the nanny better on a day to day basis (I might see her at the gym later). Also if it was just kissing, do I need to say or do anything? I also feel that if the mother is happy for the children to live downstairs with the nanny, it's her business to make sure she knows what's going on.

What would you do - a) nothing b) mention something to the nanny or c) go straight to the mother (this is what DH wants me to do, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable about it).

Rainatnight Tue 07-Mar-17 09:56:07

Wow, what an...unusual set up they have. Talk about upstairs downstairs, with their own children.

What age is your DD?

Do you think you could have a word with the Nanny? I think it's fair enough to tell her you didn't think it was appropriate, though you think she's great and are usually happy to leave your DD in her care.

I just wouldn't bother telling the mum as she doesn't sound that involved.

MarcelineTheVampire Tue 07-Mar-17 09:56:45

Do not do c....

If you feel you need to do anything talk to the nanny directly.

icelolly99 Tue 07-Mar-17 09:57:31

Why was there a sleepover when the parents were away? I cannot relate to any family who would put their children in a basement with an adult that is not their parent! I would say something, but not sure whether it should be the nanny or parent...... Also its not nice to know that those children are being expected to lie about their Nanny having a boyfriend over. Good luck.

TheFullMrexit Tue 07-Mar-17 09:58:16

no not appropriate at all. not sure what you should do thoough!

ElGatodelCanto Tue 07-Mar-17 09:58:35

Thanks. Yes that's what I was thinking.

DD is 9 - sorry forgot to say.

SpringTown46 Tue 07-Mar-17 10:01:09

Go straight to the mother. She isn't competent if she isn't sticking to the house rules.

sugarplumfairy28 Tue 07-Mar-17 10:03:53

I would do B, you can speak to the Nanny with whom you feel more comfortable with, see how you feel after with the option of than doing C. Kids can make things up or interpret them in their own way so I would always look for clarification before deciding on a course of action.

Would you say anything if it had been the parents that the children had seen kissing? How would you have spoken to them about it?

If you're going to speak to anyone it should be the Nanny first and foremost and only speak to the parents if there's more going on than you've said in your initial post, if you really and truly believe there is something horrendously inappropriate going on.

ElGatodelCanto Tue 07-Mar-17 10:07:00

The mother is very pleasant, but she rarely comes to the school even though she doesn't work. The DH is not British and goes overseas a lot and she often travels with him. I would have to email her, which is quite awkward.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Tue 07-Mar-17 10:08:40

I don't think I would say anything but I wouldn't send DD there again. I don't think anything good can come of bringing it up. Best case scenario is you mention it to the nanny and she apologises, agrees it was inappropriate and promises it won't happen again. But would you trust her not to have the boyfriend there next time anyway?

It sounds like your DH is wanting her sacked. I would be amazed if the family would discipline her let alone sack her based on a report from an acquaintance of something their daughter saw. Not saying your DD is lying but I doubt it would be enough evidence for them to get rid of a trusted and loyal nanny who has been with them for years. If your DH feels so strongly, he should be talking to the parents. Not getting you to do it for him.

BarbarianMum Tue 07-Mar-17 10:13:04

If the kids live with the nanny it seems pretty harsh for her to not be allowed her boyfriend round. I might speak to the nanny but I wouldn't approach the parents. Actually I'd probably say nothing and stop my dc staying the night if I felt strongly about it I don't

YetAnotherSpartacus Tue 07-Mar-17 10:15:42

Never been in a situation remotely like this but I second leaving it be and simply not sending DD again unless you know the parents will be there.

blackteasplease Tue 07-Mar-17 10:17:19

I would do b. Or possibly a (but not let my children stay again), but certainly not c.

I do think it's a really odd set up and feel sorry for the children in this situation, even if the nanny is lovely.

EssentialHummus Tue 07-Mar-17 10:21:15

I don't think I would say anything but I wouldn't send DD there again.

Yes. Or, if a future sleepover is mooted, ask then whether the nanny's OH will be around again, because he made your DD a bit uncomfortable last time and wouldn't be keen to sleep over if he was there again."

EpoxyResin Tue 07-Mar-17 10:21:49

I'd speak to the nanny. To be fair she may or may not be breaking the house rules, but you don't really know that. I'd talk to her in the context of talking to the adult who will be responsible for your dd at future sleepovers and saying maybe that if there will be other adults there at the same time as your dd could she please run that by you first. If you felt the need you could go so far as to say your dh isn't really comfortable with it at all with adults one or the other of you hasn't met, which I think would be fair enough.

She would probably think it's just easier not to have her boyfriend round on sleepover nights, particularly if she knows it's not really allowed and you might well mention it to the mum!

ElGatodelCanto Tue 07-Mar-17 10:22:15

Yes, the flat is to all intents and purposes the nanny's home as it's not connected to the main house. You have to go out one front door and in through the other one. I guess it's only to be expected that she has a life if her own. She is late 20s, I would say.

DD did not seem upset by what she had seen and I feel that I can usually gauge these things with her. DH can be a bit over-reactive. He says if that was going on in my house, I would want to know, but I said it's not the parents house because the children live with the nanny. They go into the main house for dinner on weekends from what I can make out.

BarbarianMum Tue 07-Mar-17 10:22:24

I mostly feel sorry for the nanny actually. Love to know what she's paid for 24/7 care.

BaronessBomburst Tue 07-Mar-17 10:23:17

I would speak to the nanny and ask her to be a bit more discreet.
9 year olds will know that people kiss and should have by now a basic knowledge of a lot more! It's probably for this reason that DD found it so yuk.
I doubt the parents will give a toss, based on their living arrangements.
I actually think your DH is overreacting a bit.

WinnieFosterTether Tue 07-Mar-17 10:23:29

I suppose the main issue is whether or not you think it was just kissing. If so, then I wouldn't say anything. It's not your job to police someone else's nanny and presumably you were happy for your DD to stay knowing she was under the nanny's care and not the DP's.
Of course if you have any question about what your DD witnessed (ie if you think the squashing and noises were them having sex) then I would let the DPs know and wouldn't let DD stay again.

Justwantcookies Tue 07-Mar-17 10:24:06

Speak to the Nanny and ask her if she is actually allowed her bf there. They were only kissing by the sounds of it. Just make her aware that if your dd stays again and bf isnt allowed that she makes sure he isnt there next time as it puts you in an awkward position in terms of telling the mum

pho3be Tue 07-Mar-17 10:26:28

So she's basically their main carer? Of course shes allowed a life, would you feel uncomfortable if she'd seen mum & dad kissing?

Aderyn2016 Tue 07-Mar-17 10:26:47

Is your dh incapable of speaking to the parents if he is unhappy? Not on for him to kick off but dump the shit work on you.

ElGatodelCanto Tue 07-Mar-17 10:27:29

Thankyou for the comments.
I have no reason to think it was more than kissing against a wall. I do think they could have been more careful about not being seen, but DH is saying of course this guy stayed the night and probably does so all the time and I'm being naive.

SaucyJack Tue 07-Mar-17 10:28:32

If it was just snogging, then I'd leave it be.

Your DH is sounding a bit OTT on this one. Anybody could let anybody in at any point. That wasn't what happened. Presumably the Nanny knows her own boyfriend.

Perhaps he's feeling guilty that he didn't fully check out the situation before sending his child off into the care of a parent who wasn't even there.

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