To think DP needs to sort his own life out(33 Posts)
New poster so sorry if I get the etiquitte wrong.
I know I'm being a tad unreasonable but I am so angry right now.
I've seen enough posts so will try not to drip feed but apologies for the long post.
Met DP through a mutul freind approx 3 years ago just after he split from the mother of his 2 DD (never married but together for 15 years and split was instigated ber her but mutual) through a mutual freind and we became friends.
Met DPx a number of times and everything was always fine, I did feel she was taking DP for a bit of a financial ride but certainatly at the time and still kind of none of my business.
Through both her financial drain (she earns a very good salary btw) and a rouge (knob) business partner he lost his business and therefore income.
I have supported him financially ever since. This has at times put a massive strain on our relationship but he is working hard to rebuild the business on his own. He is currently working away from home as a self employed painter and decoratoer to earn extra money whilst he tries to rebuild his business and has a big job through a friend which was agreed at £xx amount to be paid at £xx amount per month.
We have recently moved to a new house (rented) and i agreed to pay the normal first months rent and deposit myself on the understanding he was to pay me his share today. He has just told me that he is not getting paid at the times we had thought and this means he can now not give me his share of the first months rent and deposit.
Technically I can afford to go without this money, though it would make things very tight.
This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened and I get he really wants to get his business back of the ground so that he can provide for his 2 DD and us and he does work hard but I am sick of him letting me down with money because he's not been paid (he's currently owed a fair bit) and I have to constantly find the money from somewhere.
Tonight he was supposed o fly home tomorrow (I have paid for his flight just in case his money didnt get paid on time) and he has just told me he is only getting about 20% of the agreed for the work he has already done. The rest will be paid upon completion of the job but this isn't what was agreed.
I have asked hin several times to just get a "normal job" with a guarenteed regular income whilst he builds his business back up to which he agees at the time but then never does do.
AIBU to expect him to just sod of this self employed bollocks and get a regular paid job for now so that I know what income we have to pay the bills each month whilst he builds his business back up.
Just so pissed at being told "I've got this money this week/month coming in" for at the last minute it not to be so.
He sounds rubbish with money. I'd be asking myself if it's really his ex's and previous business partner's fault that he lost his business (whether she is on a good salary has no impact on his responsibilities towards his child btw)
You've got yourself a solid gold cocklodger there
I doubt his previous problems were due to his ex and business partner
Yes he should sort himself out
You need to stop supporting him
Suppose you didn't have £ to bail him out? Soon, if you keep bailing him out you'll have no money left.
Are you sure he's not gambling it away btw?
Don't move in with him, he sounds like a total cock lodger and dodgy as fuck to go with it. Funny how his financial screw ups are always someone elses fault - his ex, his terrible business partner, never him. Where is he working away at? Why does he have to go away? He's full of it OP, sorry.
I would be very concerned that this will never change, and having started out being the responsible one and bailing him out, you'll never get away from that. I'd also be suspicious that he was more responsible for his previous financial problems than he admits. I presume he is not able to pay to support his kids at the moment? Or are you having to pick that up too? Do you want kids with him? If so, you'll end up paying for everything they ever need.
Can you pull out of moving in to a place together?
Have you got a handle on the side of your head. Because you're a mug.
I'd LOVE to know his ex's take on their split. And I love that you think she's a 'drain' with her proper job and presumably massively one-sided taking care of their children...
The mother of his 2 DD and the money he (apparently doesn't) pay them aren't really relevant to this thread, are they?
Because the point really seems to be that his 'employer' is leading him a merry dance... him doing the work and them not paying for it as agreed. Is it 'off the cards'?
He had to take a flight to work away on a short painting contract???? Sounds dodgy. I would stop sponsoring him. Also is he avoiding a proper job to avoid paying for his DD properly? Instead does a bit of cash in hand stuff and has someone to sponsor his living expenses?
How interesting that his financial problems are all down to other people. We so rarely hear of that happening here on MN, it's almost unheard of. Poor guy must be just so unlucky.
Thanks for the replies, I kind of know he is relying on me a bit to much financially.
He does pay towards his kids himself (hence why he's doing this work) and I've always said that regardless of what his ex earns this should always be the case (I mentioned his ex earns so as to say they are not going without anything).
She is also blocking him access for no reason and we are going through the right channels on this (i.e. we have offered her to go to family mediation before it goes to court but she is not willing to do this').
I know its easy to say it must be his fault and not the ex/ex business partner. I have full access to his current and previous business records and he has made some mistakes but he was taken for a ride.
My issue is about going forward. To me he should be getting a regular job given the current situation. i know this would be hard for him given that he has never techincally worked for anyone else and given that we live on a very small island but still even if he just made the effort to try that would mean so much to me.
WIBUN to say he has to get a regular job (so that I know what we have coming in)
How is he helping to support his children? I could never be with someone who didn't contribute that way so I'm assuming he finds the money to do that?
How lucky he was that you were there to 'save' him OP. From all the 'other people' causing him such issues.
@JoJoSM2 we live on a small island so taking a flight just to go shopping is not unusual and given the weather here most of us plan to be "off island" for a few days at least when we go wawy anyway so that isn't a concern.
Just to add this is certainly nothing to do with being concerned about infeidelity i have no worries about that.
YANBU at all to say he should get a job but now you've mentioned you live on a tiny island, I'm wondering how realistic that is.
You say he was taken for a ride - so you've seen official records etc, do you think he will be able to run a business? If, even now, he doesn't seem to get properly paid? I know a lot of people try it on not paying but this seems like a lot of misfortune.
Also do you want a partner who needs a lot of supervision? Money management is basic adulting.
Can't help but wonder why ex is blocking access.
He must be some decorator to be doing it as a bolt on business and you need to fly him home?
What's he painting? The Sistine chapel?
@Alice212 there are jobs on our lovely island but they are mostly low wage jobs hence why DP is not enthusiastic about getting one (I'm lucky my job is well paid for here/poor for UK standards but I get to take my lunch on the beach).
He works hard and does pay for his kids but he works for people that think nothing of changing the goal posts as he's self employed on this. Maybe I'm selfish but I would rather he did a low paid job with a guarenteed income for the short term whilst he built his business up.
For me it would just take the pressure off me for having to cover the bills when the d"£%Ks don't pay him what was agreed.
Maybe I am a mug but for tonight I am more pissed of at the fact that DP hasn't been paid what he should have and what was agreed before he took on the job. But if he had a regular job..........
BTW his business has nothing to do with painting and decorating
OP, are you his DP or his Mum?
You have given him so much slack there's no reason for him to think or fend for himself.
You're not selfish op, guaranteed income much better.
But don't be embarrassed to come back and say you're rethinking the relationship. You're pissed off about this now but I think you're seeing the tip of the iceberg.
What's he painting? The Sistine Chapel?!
All sounds a bit dodgy. Sorry OP.
YANBU. Did he give a quote for the work in writing? Does he ever say no thats not what was agreed? Does he send an invoice?
So he got taken for a mug by his Ex and business partner and now is supposedly being taken for a mug by his current employer, hmm can you see the pattern? Some people aren't cut out for all the aspects of self empowerment but your bf has found a solution to his inability to manage his cash flow and that's your bank balance.
Your not supporting him, your enabling him because if you weren't around to pick up his financial slack he'd be forced to manage his cash flow better or seek a salaried position. This is who he is and it's part of the price of being with him, you have a choice, it's just waiting around for him to be different isn't a very smart one.
Don't wait till your money runs out before you realise ,he's just not that in to you...why would you plough all yr money in to someone who is tied to another family..you will end up supporting those kids
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