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AIBU with my Lodger?

(147 Posts)
Nic8880 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:34:08


I bought a house in September and decided getting a lodger for around 1 year in could be a good idea to help me save for some home improvements. A friend from work stated her friend was looking for somewhere to live, so literally not long after I moved in, she followed.

We are both single and 30. We work full time normal hours. At first, we got on extremely well; I couldn't believe my luck. We began socialising after work sometimes too. She is very neat and tidy.

Sadly, things went downhill quickly and, naively, she paid me no deposit and I didn't set many ground rules to start with which probably hasn't helped.

A few months ago I couldn't help but notice she had COVERED her walls with paintings and pictures one weekend! I was really upset and told her to ask me to ask permission before putting things up in future. I started noticing little comments such as her "contemplating" painting the kitchen..! To which I said no. She has replaced one or two things in the house which really she should have told me and asked me to do, such as light bulbs and light fixtures all around the house. she has also assembled furniture I've bought for the house before I've had the chance. To some it may seem crazy I'm complaining but I feel she is treading on my toes.

More recently, she has been having 3-4 family members at a time to stay for weekends without asking me first. When I come home from work most evenings, she is already home and running between cooking her dinner and watching her favourite tv programmes and films. she never asks me what I want to watch or if I mind, and so most nights I find myself going up to my room to watch things on my iPad. She has made comments about her going away for an upcoming weekend and about how relieved I must be to be able to "watch what I want" all weekend!? This would be a strange comment (although a lot less stranger) even if I, as her landlady, had made that comment to her.

She has also opened a lot of mail addressed to "the occupier" or "homeowner" when she has come in from work, and she always parks on my drive, leaving me to park on the road.

I could go on, and on, and on. She refers to my house as "ours" and even in front of mutual friends I've heard her call the house hers (as in "mine")!!! She, unsurprisingly, has not lived with a live in landlady before. She seems very deluded and is almost in the mindset she owns the house? Having said that, even as the home owner id never dream of binge watching things on tv, seemingly oblivious to her needs and wants.

This whole issue is causing a lot of tension. I'm enjoying the money and feel kind of pressured into keeping her since we now have a lot of mutual friends (one of whom is my work colleague), however when I tell her/ask her not to do something, she absolutely cannot take it and either goes off in a strop or ignores me. I asked if she could stop wearing her muddy boots in the house last week and she never responded to my request and went and shut herself in her room all night. I also once asked if she wouldn't mind asking before putting the heating on (it's on a timer but she puts it on "on" if she gets cold), as she just pays me a set amount of rent each month whilst I pay the bills, and she just said "yep" and again took herself off to her room.

As her responses to me are quite dramatic, mumsnet - am I being unreasonable here? Any pearls of wisdom?

Gallavich Mon 06-Mar-17 21:36:30

Give her notice. Tell her you've decided to take language students or something instead or you have a family member who needs to stay, anything. When she's gone you can find a different, less mad lodger and just keep it to yourself

Creampastry Mon 06-Mar-17 21:37:55

Kick her out!

NavyandWhite Mon 06-Mar-17 21:39:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trb17 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:40:13

She sounds a bit single white female to me so I'd get rid and replace with someone less likely to steal your life while you're sleeping confused

Sugarpiehoneyeye Mon 06-Mar-17 21:40:13

Yes, here's a pearl of wisdom, get her out !
Seriously OP, it's not worth the money.
Someone will be along soon, with the correct advice.

Nic8880 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:41:19

Wow, thank you for your quick responses - maybe I'm not being unreasonable here? I don't think I'd find it too hard to ask her to leave, especially as my sister is looking for somewhere to live and may end up here! But I was curious to see what people thought. I've lived with live in landlords many times, and would never have dreamt of having people to stay without asking, hogging the tv or putting things all over the bedroom walls without asking.....

ameliameerkat Mon 06-Mar-17 21:41:32

She seems to see herself as an equal flatmate rather than a lodger. I've also been looking for a lodger and had some interesting conversations with people when I (gently!) explained the difference and sent them the 'house rules'! Definitely get something in writing with her, or the next person, if it's too late!

NavyandWhite Mon 06-Mar-17 21:41:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JonesyAndTheSalad Mon 06-Mar-17 21:42:13

Just tell her "I think it's time for you to move on as it's not working out for me. You can have two months notice"

fabulous01 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:43:38

Omg. I would get her out and quick

harderandharder2breathe Mon 06-Mar-17 21:44:29

I've been a lodger. I now live alone as I was fed up of sharing.

Some things like putting up pictures in her own room, you need to let slide. You didn't set ground rules or say she can't put things up in her room. Why shouldn't she?

When she's binge watching something on tv SPEAK UP and say actually I want to watch xyz, if you say nothing she naturally assumes you don't mind. Yes it's selfish of her but you need to challenge it not assume she'll read your mind.

Asking to put heating on is also petty imo. I've never had that rule either in houseshares or as a lodger. If you feel her use of the heating is excessive then increase the amount you're charging her and explain why.

It IS her home. She lived there. Of course she says things like "going back to mine"

However things like the muddy boots and getting in a strop whenever you raise issues is childish and manipulative behaviour from her.

Wando1986 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:44:45

Give notice. Asap. Like tonight or tomorrow.

harderandharder2breathe Mon 06-Mar-17 21:45:52

Cross posted with many!

It doesn't sound like it's working out so definitely give her notice.

And learn from this experience to set ground rules if you have a lodger again!

Nic8880 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:46:22

Spot on Amelia; she seems to think we are total equals in some respects, but actually I think she sees herself as having more 'power' than me sometimes, given her complete hogging of communal areas!

Unfortunately for financial reasons I do need her to stay for a few months longer, ideally moving out may/june, so any advice on how to deal with her in the mean time would be really appreciated

harderandharder2breathe Mon 06-Mar-17 21:46:53

Oh and changing light bulbs is normal... changing light fittings is very odd for a lodger! Except maybe in their own room if they kept the original safe to return it back to normal when they left.

Mermaidinthesea Mon 06-Mar-17 21:48:33

Get rid quick, I wouldn't tolerate that from my lodger. We have a lot of ground rules and although I'm easy going I'd spit coffee if mine opened mail or contemplated painting the kitchen or did ANYTHING to my home without asking. She sounds like a grade A piss taker.

Nic8880 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:48:52

Thanks harderandharder, although I've been a lodger myself it is still good to hear things from another perspective. I take your point about her not being a mind reader, but I still would have asked my former landlords if they wouldn't mind me putting the heating on for a bit. Quite often I come home from work and.... it's just on. And hot!

Nic8880 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:51:15

Harderandharder - if things break or need replacing anywhere in the house, it's my job to sort. She has bought quite a bit (replacement light cords, a shower curtain, etc) and a part of me feels that a part of this is manipulative; I.e. If I buy things then she won't kick me out? Or maybe she is just playing into her fantasy of seemingly owning my house

squeak10 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:51:19

Sounds like you are a Mum to a teenager wine give her notice. You could always say you are having work done and you both need to move out. Good luck.

Bleu2 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:56:04

Just tell her "I think it's time for you to move on as it's not working out for me. You can have two months notice"
Do this.
It fits with your May/ June timescale.
Make sure you lay the ground rules down better with your next lodger; this one is taking the piss.

Chocolatecake12 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:56:38

If you really need her to stay for a few more months then you're going to have to sit her down and be very honest with her.
Set a complete list of new rules and get her to agree to them and sign them.
Decide if overnight guests are allowed or not, set rules on the heating and the shared space.
If you want to watch tv you are going to have to say so!
Don't let her continue to walk all over you.

Kazplus2 Mon 06-Mar-17 22:01:09

A lot of this is of your own making. Man up a bit and tell her what is acceptable and what is not. If then she doesn't stick to rules then that is when it's the to ask her to leave.

Porygon Mon 06-Mar-17 22:01:53

Boot her out. Pronto. It's YOUR home.

elessar Mon 06-Mar-17 22:03:08

Hmm I honestly think this is 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other.

Yes she does seem a bit cheeky/lacking in boundaries but most of what you've described isn't that awful and it sounds like you've enabled a lot of it by failing to set firm boundaries.

Watching programmes on the tv, parking her car on the drive etc - these things are not terrible. Why would she ask you if you mind her watching tv in a communal area? Unless you've told her not to park on the drive then why wouldn't she if she gets home first?

Referring to the house as 'ours' - again not so outrageous. It doesn't mean she actually views it as hers, but it is her home at the moment so it's not that unreasonable to refer to it in the context of 'her home'.

Some things are cheeky - having 3/4 family members to stay for example. But then, if you've never had a conversation or any agreement about what is acceptable then you're also at fault for not setting clear boundaries.

You're well within your rights to ask her to leave, she does sound relatively inconsiderate. But I also think you're blaming her for a lot of things that you're responsible for as well, so for that YABU

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