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To stop my mum?!!

(58 Posts)
nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice Mon 06-Mar-17 20:26:38

My mum is pressuring my nan to sell her house and move in with her. She's been pushing the issue for a few years now and my nan always says yeh maybe, just to appease her. But she really doesn't want to move. We have spoken about it many times and she always says she likes her independence and her home is the only place she feels close to her late husband.

Basically last week my nan hadn't been well. Just bad tummy reaction to some medication she's on and was feeling quite down. My mum kept asking her to move in and she sounded like she was considering it. Then bam, next day my mum has had a quote for a builder for £21,000 to build an annexe in the garden for her to live in and has organised an estate agent to value nans house. She's expecting my nan to sell her house and fork out the money to build the thing.

But the thing is, mum took in her MIL before she died and absolutely rinsed her dry. Made her pay rent and bills, food, got a new car out of her and tumble dryer. Since her MIL died she's spent all the inheritance (it was a lot of money! Im talking several hundred grand) and looks like she's trying to get everything she can out of her own mum now. I never said anything when my other nan was alive and it still grates on me. I don't want the same to happen to this one. So I phoned her this morning to see how she was and mentioned what my mum had said. Just as I thought, she still doesn't want to move and is so stressed out about my mum that she's not been sleeping. She doesn't know how to get out of it and mum is coming to visit her at the weekend to get the house on the market!!

I don't want this to cause a rift between me and my mum but I can't sit back and let her take advantage. Aibu to get involved? If she really wanted to move I would support her either way but she doesn't want to give up her home and my mum and nan arnt even close. I keep in touch with her more than my mum does. I just don't think her intentions are genuine. Argh. I think I might have to confront my mum on this one.

Sunnydaysrock Mon 06-Mar-17 20:30:36

I think you know you have to confront your mum. Your nan needs you right now. Good luck x

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 06-Mar-17 20:30:47

It is your business!! My gm confided in me before she died that her final years had been miserable living with my aunt (her dd) and she wished she had had her own home and independence. . Listen to her and help her achieve her wishes. .. Your conscience will be clear in the future if you do. ..

HecateAntaia Mon 06-Mar-17 20:34:47

you know shes going to do the same thing.

i would say all this to your grandma. does she know what your mum did? tell her. be there to support her. hell, get adult services involved if you have to. possible financial abuse of a vulnerable adult.

youll never forgive yourself if your mum does this.

AuntMabel Mon 06-Mar-17 20:36:26

Your poor Nan.

Does your Mum have LPA for your Nan? If not have you spoken to her about perhaps becoming her attorney yourself to protect her from this?

emmyrose2000 Mon 06-Mar-17 20:55:03

Has your nan actually told your mother in plain English that she will not be moving in with her? Or does she keep waffling with "yeah maybe"? If the latter, then she needs to actually tell your mother that it's not happening. Leading your mother on with "maybes" is falsely giving her hope that it could be happen and that nan is on board with it.

That aside, no one can force your nan to sign papers to put the house on the market. She is responsible for what she signs or doesn't sign. If she's too scared to say no to her daughter and ends up signing the papers anyway then that is a situation of her own making.

I wouldn't hesitate to get involved and lay it out for your mother that nan won't be selling/moving in. Tell your mother to cancel the estate agent. If that's not possible, then can you be at the house when the agent comes around? Meet him/her at the door and tell them there's been some mistake and the house isn't for sale.

nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice Mon 06-Mar-17 20:57:17

I told her my concerns about mum taking money from her and about how she was with her MILs money. Told her it's her money, don't feel guilted into giving any of it away. Bless her she then listed off a load of things she's paid for over the years for my parents that she had kept quiet about. My parents fell out with my nan and grandad when I was little so I never got much of a chance to get to know her but over the last several years we have become close and write to each other every week. I love her to pieces. I want to protect her. My mum isn't a bad person, she just has some questionable morals!!

Trooperslane Mon 06-Mar-17 21:06:46

I'm not sure your Mum isn't a bad person......... sorry Nice.......

You seem honourable though - I'd definitely try to support her but it's her money after all. I'm not sure I could stand by and let this happen, but unless she's vulnerable it will be so hard to stand up to your Mum.

Does anyone have POA?

Hellmouth Mon 06-Mar-17 21:09:53

Confront her.

I'm really sorry, but your mum sounds like a grabby, entitled, nasty piece of work!

nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice Mon 06-Mar-17 21:11:43

To my knowledge nobody has POA. She manages her own finances.

DJBaggySmalls Mon 06-Mar-17 21:12:43

I'd get your Nan to put it in writing that she wont be moving in with her, and have a solicitor send it.
Its harassment. Stick up for your Nan.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:32:51

Is your mum her only child? If not, I'd be contacting my uncles and/or aunts and letting them know that you think your mum is trying to take advantage of their mother.

Serin Mon 06-Mar-17 21:34:16

Your Nan sounds like a vulnerable adult to me, she is definitely at risk of financial abuse. Could you ring social services and see if the could get her a Social worker assessment or an independent advocate to speak up for her.

Crumbs1 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:34:45

Would your grandmother give you lasting power of attorney? That might scare your mother off a bit and afford a degree of protection for your grandmother. I would confront but it's not easy. If that doesn't work maybe consider involving the local authority safeguarding team or Independent mental capacity advocate (IMCA) who could support your grandmother.

JaneEyre70 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:34:48

The simple reality is that your nan is being bullied. You need to tell your mum you know what she's doing, and that if it carries on, you will report her to social services. Elderly people are horribly vulnerable to family whose behaviour is often explained as "well meaning" when it is everything but. I'd encourage your nan to make an LPA so that your mum isn't the one making any decisions for her in future too.

ScarlettFreestone Mon 06-Mar-17 21:37:11

Your Mum is bullying your Nan. You need to stand up for her.

You could get your Nan to get you POA. That would stop your Mum.

Magicpaintbrush Mon 06-Mar-17 21:48:16

You absolutely need to step in and protect your nan from your mother! Your nan sounds very vulnerable and your mum sounds like a vulture, you need to tell her in no uncertain terms to back off. This is awful, your poor nan. Your mum will ruin your nan's life if she gets her own way. The stress of this could seriously affect your nan's health. Your mum has got a damn nerve trying to force somebody out of their own home for her own dubious reasons. angry

wibblywobblywoo Mon 06-Mar-17 21:54:08

I think emmy makes a good point - if your Nan has always just 'postponed' rather than 'ended' then she needs to do that and sharpish. Obviously the house cannot be sold without your Nan's actual, consensual, involvement and participation but it seems like your Mum will have no compunction in pushing your Nan till her aim has been achieved - her actions are already giving your Nan sleepless nights. sad

A 'round the table' chat with nan and Mum and yourself to make the position crystal clear will at least tick the box that going forwards from that Mum is fully aware that nan doesn't want to move if she then persists in pursuing it - you can then refer back to that every time Mum tries something.

Other points to consider going forwards - get nan's will in order asap if she hasn't done one already - AgeUK offer a will service - help collate nan's documents, bank book, BSoc book, house deeds etc. and find a safe secure place for those not needed daily/weekly either at her house, your house or a third party location. Re a POA, getting a POA doesn't mean someone else would take over Nan's affairs immediately - that only happens when the POA is activated - which maybe never if Nan can manage everything by herself to the end, but arranging a POA for her now - with you or another trusted person as the named attorney would help if Mum may try to 'take over' at later date.

kateandme Mon 06-Mar-17 22:04:25

don't let these last precious years be this hard for your nan.
your this worried means you a good person a better person.you must stop this.
can you seek out other help.other relo's
I cant deny it might casue a rift but if this is ur mum then sorry hun...ek your mum sounds awfully flawed to me and perhaps not someon that you should be putting first.not easy I no I no that.shes your mum after all
but your sound horrified at her behaviour.you can stop this.you must hun.please try
is there even a vicar.one of your friends.get someone on your side and confide and then go to them together at the weekend so you feel supported enough to support your nan.

nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice Mon 06-Mar-17 22:11:23

My mum is her only child and she has no other relatives other than me and my brothers. I asked my eldest brother today what he thought about it (as he's aware of how my mum is) and he agrees that something needs to be done. But he's not that assertive or wanting to start any family feuds so would rather stay out of it. While I can see it would be sensible for me to go for POA and to help her protect her will, I don't want to give her the impression that I want control of her money as I don't want it. She can leave it all to her neighbours cat if she wants to! Does that make sense? I don't want her thinking I'm warning her of my mum just so I can get my hands on her cash. She doesn't think of me that way anyway but you never know.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 06-Mar-17 22:15:00

If no one has POA then now is the time for her to sort it out, before your mum decides that your gran is too "ill" and applies for it herself. If your gran does it now and puts whoever she wants in charge of her affairs while she is still physically and mentally able, then it will be almost impossible for your mum to challenge that at a later date.

Urge your gran to do this in order to protect herself.

And I am sorry but I agree with a PP, a woman who will cheerfully squeeze every last penny out of vulnerable elderly women does not just have questionable morals, she is a very very bad person.

ineedamoreadultieradult Mon 06-Mar-17 22:23:27

Please stand up for her my DM bullied my Nana horrendously in her final years and whilst I was a child I still feel guilty for not intervening.

nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice Mon 06-Mar-17 22:27:00

I was going to call her next week to check in on how things have gone with my mum over the weekend. If she's still feeling pressured I will confront mum about it. She can be quite difficult when questioned on her actions. She's had depression for many years and my dad especially hates it when I call her out on anything in case it sets her off. She's quite sensitive and defensive. Family have tip toed around her for years but honestly she needs to stop using her MH as an excuse for her behaviour. That there lies the complication with getting involved in this. I've had bouts of depression but it's never led me to be so inconsiderate of another person. I will discuss POA and the will with my nan and see how she feels about it. I do think she's being somewhat bullied.

ollieplimsoles Mon 06-Mar-17 22:38:40

Your mum sounds awful, sorry op. And your dad is enabling her behaviour.

You need to step in for the sake of your Nan.

maggiecate Mon 06-Mar-17 22:40:36

POA isn't to do with her will if she's already got that sorted. It's basically to take on the running of her affairs if she becomes unable to do so herself, so that your mum can't sell the house on her behalf by bamboozling her. It's more about protecting her when she's alive and making sure that the best decisions are made for her. Wills are really a separate issue, although she should ensure that she's happy that the executor is someone she can trust to carry out her wishes.

It might be that if she's not able to manage herself - eg if she needed to go into a home - you'd be able to make the arrangements, handle the sale of the house, and find her somewhere suitable. If she did go to your mums the POA would have control of your nan's finances so could insist that all expenses were accounted for so your mum couldn't scam her for cash.

She can arrange for POA to go to you, you and your brother, a lawyer, or anyone that she trusts. As a previous poster says, it doesn't necessarily become active straight away, but is there if it's needed in the future should your nan not be able to manager her affairs herself. We have one for our parents, where it's split between me, my brother and the lawyer, so nobody can act unilaterally.

AgeUK would be able to advise, or the CAB. It might also be worth having a word with her GP to keep an eye on her, or social services. It sounds as if she's got the measure of your mum though, which is a good thing.

It's probably worth getting external advice, and get someone independent who will talk to your nan about what she wants so it's clear that you aren't influencing her. They can then be an advocate on her behalf. I would imagine AgeUK would be able to help with that, or point you in the direction of a local service. Her GP may also be able to help, they generally have good knowledge of local services.

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