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About DH just sucking the joy out of everything?

(95 Posts)
ShimmyOhoh Mon 06-Mar-17 15:32:09

Over the past, I'd say, 7 or 8 years, DH has got progressively more and more moody, less tolerant, less caring about the DCs and I, and also is getting more and more selfish.

He seems to be in bad moods/cross about everything, all the time! If he's tired, he gets moody, if he's fed up about something work related he's moody, if the kids or the pets do anything naughty he's moody, if he has to do anything he doesn't want to do he's moody.

It's all come to a bit of a head as I've had a stomach bug all weekend and he's been absolutely vile to us all; sulking, moody, banging around and just a total misery. I have tried to do as much as I can but have felt pretty rough and could have done without his snapping, huffing, and banging around like a spoilt child. I am still feeling pretty rough today and he just phoned me before he left work to come home and asked if I was better and I said yes a bit but still not great and I could tell on the phone that his mood changed at the drop of a hat and that he's not happy with me!

He never seems to enjoy doing anything at all unless it's something he's chosen to do. If we go out for dinner with his friends and their wives he's fine, all chatty and jovial, but if we do anything that involves meeting my friends he's grumpy and uncommunicative, then will pick an argument with me on the way home or when we get home. I try to have fun and laughs with the kids, but again he won't really join in with those and just sits watching his own thing on telly. If we go on any fun days out to theme parks or to the beach or anything like that he spoils the day with his bad mood. We've even been on holidays where he's been moody and grumpy for the whole holiday!

If I tackle him on his bad moods he then gets angry with me and won't talk to me as I've apparently got a bad attitude and am having a go at him! He will also say/do things that are bound to upset me or hurt me and when I tackle him he'll deny saying them, or say I'm oversensitive, or say something like "Does it really matter what was said? Why are you making a big deal and trying to cause an argument".

I really feel this weekend that I've had enough of it all. I am doped up to the fucking eyeballs on antidepressants but I do often feel that it's his moods and angriness that gets me down and makes me think I'm depressed.

PovertyJetset Mon 06-Mar-17 15:33:48

LTB and don't tell him why.

Jesus how bloody exhausting!

DonaldStott Mon 06-Mar-17 15:36:29

I couldn't live like that. I would tell him to leave. The poor kids and poor you too.

ShimmyOhoh Mon 06-Mar-17 15:38:39

I feel so fucking down about it all as my dad was the same, always angry, shouting and miserable. I was also married before and my first husband hit me and my parents said he must have had his reasons to hit me! And now I'm stuck with this shit behaviour. I wonder if it must be my fault!!

highinthesky Mon 06-Mar-17 15:39:39

He needs a big fat mirror to be shoved in front of him. Either he changes - and you have to spell out exactly what you want him to do, and not to do - or you get rid of him.

He can choose to be miserable but there is no reason for you and DC to be.

highinthesky Mon 06-Mar-17 15:40:25

Oh yes ignore your parents "wisdom". You have just been unlucky. Twice.

Trb17 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:42:30

I couldn't live like that I'm afraid and I wouldn't want my DD to grow up thinking that's how a husband/partner behaves.

You both sound very unhappy and perhaps a split would solve that. Or at least talking about how it's reached the point where you're considering a split might open communication and improve things.

Trb17 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:43:07

Ps it's not your fault and you deserve much better.

NewPuppyMum Mon 06-Mar-17 15:43:57

It was not your fault your first dickhead hit you and it's not your fault this second idiot is a moody, abusive, controlling twat. But it will be your fault if you stay and get more unhappy. Come on, get your big girl pants on, tell him to stop acting like a pillock and choose if he wants to be a decent married man or an unsatisfactory divorced prat.

Heatherbell1978 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:44:04

Sounds just like my dad growing up. Although he would often not come on holidays and leave my mum with of us! My parents split up as soon as my youngest brother was a teenager. Unless he has a good excuse that you can talk through, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you and the DC to be exposed to.

SheSaidHeSaid Mon 06-Mar-17 15:44:10

Unfortunately it sounds like you've gone from one version of horrible to another, likely because it's what you've been used to.

It isn't fair on you though, you can't live like this. I'm not one to say LTD, in fact I've never ever said it before, but you really do deserve so much more.

HumphreyCobblers Mon 06-Mar-17 15:44:45

None of this is your fault. Your last husband was violent, that is not your fault! How on earth could your parents say such a thing to you? You deserve better, then and now.

I would leave the joyless fucker.

ShimmyOhoh Mon 06-Mar-17 15:46:09

Thank you everyone I just feel like such a failure

NavyandWhite Mon 06-Mar-17 15:46:10

That's no life OP. 7/8 years of it?! Honestly I think you need to leave the misery to it.

blissey Mon 06-Mar-17 15:47:20

That's not a normal way to live. Please remember that you're not the problem here - you've just been surrounded by arseholes until now. You deserve much better.

fueledbybacon Mon 06-Mar-17 15:47:48

Oh OP I've been the child of a parent like that. My mother always ruined everything we ever did through bad moods, bad behaviour and sulking.

It must be exhausting married to man like that. I worry about your kids, I would suspect as I was, are afraid that something they say or do will trigger a bad mood sad

Ignore your parents. It's not your fault. Your husband is being emotionally manipulative and abusive. Using his bad moods to make you behave in a certain way. It's a narcissistic trait. My mother is a raging narc and it was one of the ways it manifested.

hesterton Mon 06-Mar-17 15:48:00

I think you need to begin to detach from him, which will either support you to eventually leave him or shake him into examining his own behaviour. I know you can't switch off love as such, but if you gradually leave him out of plans and continue a cheerful life without his direct involvement as much as possible - expect nothing positive from him emotionally or in terms of practical support - you may be able to create a happier place for your dc while you make your next decisions.

blackteasplease Mon 06-Mar-17 15:48:02

It's not your fault. Your Dad's behaviour might have led you to accept crappy behaviour without question though.

I had one of these joy suckers. I've just put in my petition for divorce.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 06-Mar-17 15:48:41

I was wondering whether he was depressed. sounds more likely he is an arse. if he were depressed he would still need to seek help. sounds more than depressed though. either way would you be better without?

memyselfandaye Mon 06-Mar-17 15:49:08

Fuck that, don't force your kids to live with such misery.

You have the choice, they don't, do you want them to look back and say their childhoods were unhappy?

You are'nt "stuck" living like that, make changes, he sounds insufferable.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Mon 06-Mar-17 15:49:43

What a miserable bastard.

Really sorry you have been putting up with this OP, but it's time to stop. You only get one life. Do you really want this to be it?

FilledSoda Mon 06-Mar-17 15:50:59

Well your parents are absolutely wrong, but, there could be a link with your father's behaviour.
Children that grow up in abusive or dysfunctional households not surprisingly can end up in similar circumstances as an adult.
Low self esteem and poor role models will do this.
The good news is once you see it you can change it, you're not predestined to end your days with that shitty man.
Get shot of him, realise your worth and live your life.

FinallyHere Mon 06-Mar-17 15:51:29

Goodness, can you imagine how much better your life would be without him in the picture? If you can, get moving to make it happen. If not, start thinking about it, to give yourself a goal. Life is too short for this sort of stuff. It took me much, much too long to see this about my own relationship. I would love for you to see it, too. All the very best.

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Mar-17 15:52:54

You've served your sentence, OP. Time is up - the cell door is opening and you are free! The biggest step is realising it's possible.

Honestly, you'll feel like you're on holiday if you split up.

SuperFlyHigh Mon 06-Mar-17 15:53:28

I'd get him to change (or want mutual changes) or be out of there.

I was the child in a step parent relationship like this (it did get better) but I wondered sometimes why my mum didn't leave stepdad or lay down the law much. But she is 10 years older and felt sometimes she was older if you see what I mean so maybe felt couldn't get another partner etc (which is rubbish in my mum's case!).

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