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DS party becoming really difficult.

(23 Posts)
Figglesticks Mon 06-Mar-17 11:07:51

DS is turning five. He has some level of SEN which we are working with. He tends to keep himself to himself in class so teacher suggested would be better to invite small group of kids to help him play. He went to whole class party on weekend and didn't open up until right at the end when everything was finished.
I agree with teacher, small party is better.
However, I don't know a lot of the mums/kids and none of them very well.
Teacher gave me ten names she thinks is good to invite.
DS has given three names not on that list. I've added one name that I know will be good for DS and myself as I know that mum the most and often chat (she's invited me for coffee etc) and her DS is very friendly towards DS.
Now I've added the three names DS chose and my one name it looks like I'm having a big party and leaving just a few kids out...
Should I listen to teacher or let DS pick ten names off the list and stick with that?
I'm very very stuck here. He's never had any sort of party since his 1st birthday and that was family only.
I feel incredibly bad leaving some kids out and it doesn't help that I don't know who's kids are who's for the most part.
I think DS should make a decision but Hes only given three names. I was thinking more like ten?
I suppose my question is aibu to ask the teachers advice and then ignore it? Or should I just stick with it and hope people don't shun DS if they're offended by the non invite?

ChasedByBees Mon 06-Mar-17 11:11:57

How many are in the class in total? For us, it's 30 so a party of 15 would be fine.

TeenAndTween Mon 06-Mar-17 11:13:05

I would pick a couple more names off the teachers list and stick with that. 10 is quite a lot of children for a child who gets overwhelmed. People won't be offended by non-invite unless you invite all class bar a few or all the boys bar 1 or 2.

What are you planning to do for the party? There is a good thread (on Chat?) at the moment and I think the OP there has gone for a jungle theme which looks quite simple.

PeaFaceMcgee Mon 06-Mar-17 11:14:34

3 or 4 kids is fine. I'd go with his wishes.

JonesyAndTheSalad Mon 06-Mar-17 11:14:39

DS is really a bit young still to choose people. I would invite the whole class if there are just a few left out. If it's a class of thirty, then 15 is fine.

Don't worry too much about keeping it small. If DS opened up at the end of the party he attended, he may be fine at his own because he knows what to expect.

pinkblink Mon 06-Mar-17 11:14:55

I would invite the three he chose, and the extra one you wanted and leave it at that? Decorate pizza or something fun at home, if he only wants a few there isn't much point pushing more on him it's his birthday after all

IamFriedSpam Mon 06-Mar-17 11:28:52

I would go for the three he chose and your extra and do a small party. Sounds like he'll have a nice time in a smaller group.

BarbarianMum Mon 06-Mar-17 11:33:56

I'd go for the 3 he chose plus maybe 4 more from the teacher's list (not everyone may be able to make it).

Roanoke Mon 06-Mar-17 11:34:59

We invited the whole class a) because I didn't know enough parents so my son was always left out even from his best friends' parties, because the parents did the guest lists alone without asking the kids and he was very upset, and b) because loads of people don't go/can't go to parties due to other commitments. Out of 31 invites we sent, we only heard from 11 people.

That said it sounds like he'd prefer a smaller one anyway.

Andbabymakesthree Mon 06-Mar-17 11:49:43

PLEASE just do the three he has chosen. Keep it really small. Low expectations. Explain to teacher he has chosen these three so you are going to go with just them.

Consider your EXIT plan. If he is likely to find it overwhelming you need someone who can get him out if he needs it or distract him if you are busy dealing with the other children.

Boulshired Mon 06-Mar-17 12:02:47

Depends if you are confident that inviting 3 they would accept the invite or be available. It is difficult. Does he play with the children he has mentioned, I remember DS1 asking to invite a child from the other class, when I asked if they played together he said no and had never spoke to him, but everyone invite him so he felt he should to.

MackerelOfFact Mon 06-Mar-17 12:09:20

Does he actually want a party? If he'd be happier just going out for the day with you, don't feel obligated to host a party he might find stressful just because other children have.

The teacher sounds brilliant, BTW, but if the aim of the party is to 'help him play' I don't think his birthday is the time or the place to be teaching him, really.

Rockpebblestone Mon 06-Mar-17 13:29:59

I would invite the 14 because it is likely some won't come.

As for small groups being less intimidating, what about using some different activities areas to split things up? So one small group at a time for him to play with.

Then again, if you go for an indoor play place, I found just having large play equipment can help things along. There is not so much pressure to play specific games with the others. Playing alongside on equipment can be enough to make it enjoyable.

Figglesticks Mon 06-Mar-17 13:38:48

Thanks everyone. I definitely will be keeping it small and listening to munch DS then. He's only 5 this year so hopefully next year we'll know a bit more about his friends and who's who. He is going for a day out the day before with his DF but that's dads treat iyswim.

NavyandWhite Mon 06-Mar-17 13:48:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Figglesticks Mon 06-Mar-17 13:54:39

There was play equipment at the party over the weekend but he refused to go on it which is very unusual for him.
we take him for days out regularly anyway so it would be nice for him to celebrate his birthday with his friends. I just have no clue who they are. One minute he says he has no friends then he says child x and child y are his friends. Five minutes after that he'll tell me child y was mean to him so I don't think he even knows.

Figglesticks Mon 06-Mar-17 13:58:03

navy I was hoping next year I could make it just the select few friends he has bonded with so I didn't have to go through all this again blush if he wants a big party I'm happy to throw one but next year I thought it would be cooler to host a party where he can watch a film with his buddies at our place on a projector screen. I don't know how old kids have to be to stay at their friends house without mum or dad nearby. All the parties so far people have stayed with their kids despite invites saying you can leave them.

WinnieFosterTether Mon 06-Mar-17 14:00:44

ime teachers aren't the best at noticing the different friendship groups so I wouldn't blindly trust the teacher's list. I also think if he found the weekend party overwhelming then you're better sticking to small numbers like the 3 he has suggested. Can you have a chat with the mum whose DC you are planning to invite? She might have a view on the dynamics in the class and who your DS plays with too.

NavyandWhite Mon 06-Mar-17 14:01:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood Mon 06-Mar-17 14:04:47

Another who wouldn't invite 14 odd. Just ask the 3 children he has mentioned, and the 4th one if you think that makes sense. Lots of dc cope better doing something with a smaller number.

gigglingHyena Mon 06-Mar-17 14:21:27

For both mine 15 would be too many children. Neither have coped well at class parties/soft play etc so we've not attempted our own whole class party.

That said, for any party games 3 or 4 is quite a small number, I tend to go for 5 or 6 children plus my own.

Our best parties have been at home, the kids are always rather lively when they first arrive, so a bashing a few balloons around or something to burn off a bit of energy (DS usually just hangs back for this bit) . Then having a couple of things to dip in and out of (cartoon on the TV, craft that they can take home, box of lego etc). We usually round up with a game or two at the end.

pilates Mon 06-Mar-17 14:41:20

What have you got planned for his party? Is it going to be at a soft play area or are you having it at home? Why don't you show him the list of names the teacher supplied and see if he wants to add on to the four you want.

Benedikte2 Mon 06-Mar-17 14:59:49

If there's time invite the small number suggested with rsvp for an early date and if necessary follow that up. Then you will have time to invite others if the first few cant come. The problem with only 4 or 5 invitees is that if 2 or more cant make it you're left with too few.

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