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AIBU to feel hurt too?

(26 Posts)
cheekybean Mon 06-Mar-17 10:33:04

I have (or had) a friend whom I got on well with. We shared similar attitudes to most things and most importantly we were well away from the school playground.

My friend recently got married. I knew I wasn't invited but I wasn't even told the date. Nor was I told when her son was born. I decided (perhaps stupidly) to see if I didn't bother getting in touch, how long it would be before my friend got in touch with me. This was September and I'm still waiting.

I know I have ignored her on one occasion (I know its childish). This was in December and tbh my new baby was screaming (later discovered he had undiagnosed medical issues and not just hungry as everyone including the doctor was telling me), my DS1 and DD2 were trying to kill each other. Id also been to visit my mum that day and had a particularly toxic afternoon with her, so by the time I bumped into my friend, I had simply had enough. My argument being if she thought I was off, why in the name of all that's hairy did she not say something? I would have done.

I am a very shy person with a narcissistic mother so for me confrontation is impossible. Also, I never talk to people unless I am invited (years of my opinion being unimportant and and stupid). My friend is very outgoing and is always surrounded by people and I find it incredibly hard to enter into these conversation groups and as a result people think I am snobby. I can assure you I'm not. I'm so shy, the playground drop off is a massive thing to me.

Anyway for the last couple of years, prior to September, it has always been me dropping in to see her, me texting to see if shes in etc etc. She always says she will get in touch when shes got time for me and it never happens! She nags me for lifts to places and then goes with other people. I suppose I just thought if she really wanted to be friends, she would make some effort too. I know Im not perfect but I think its unfair to not even give me a second chance when I keep dishing 2nd chances out all the time!

AIBU? Its making me so bloody miserable! And the thing is, if she knocked on my door now, id be so pleased and offer her a cup of tea. I feel really hurt, I did apologise via a text message after she said she did not want her children to have anything to do with me because of my behaviour(?) and I tried to explain why I was hurt but she never bothered to reply and the atmosphere if we meet at school is so awful, I try not to attend any school functions any more.

What more can I do without turning into a crazy stalker hmm? Should I try and talk to her face to face? I haven't told anyone what s going on although Im sure the school grapevine has (albeit a load of rubbish)?

WorraLiberty Mon 06-Mar-17 10:37:12

When you bumped into her and ignored her, what exactly happened?

Did you acknowledge her at all?

ChicRock Mon 06-Mar-17 10:38:14

It does sound like there's been some contact since September so I'm confused about that - there has been at least one meeting and some texts?

Shoxfordian Mon 06-Mar-17 10:38:48

Friendship is a two way thing; and it sounds like you've made lots of effort to see her or text her
I think you should try to move on from this woman and make some other friends, maybe try meetup or joining a club

cheekybean Mon 06-Mar-17 10:56:14

Worra - she said hello, I said hello back and continued to round up my kids.

Chic - I text her to invite her kids to my dd birthday. not a very pleasant response and no attempt to see my point of view.

September was my birthday. she said she was coming round, never did, I waited in all day. no message nothing.

another time I bumped into her at school, this time last year. she invited me round. I went round and she had gone to see other friends for the day. im sad because it makes me sound and feel like im needy and im not. its just nice every now and then to feel valued by someone who doesn't have to value you such as dh or dc

MadMags Mon 06-Mar-17 11:00:09

The thing is, between you suddenly going quiet and practically ignoring her, she probably thinks you've washed your hands of her!

I'm not saying how she's acted in the past is ok and if anything, the fact that you felt the friendship was so one-sided probably shows that you should just let it go!

WorraLiberty Mon 06-Mar-17 11:03:36

I honestly think the friendship is dead in the water.

Time to move on, OP. You will make other friends and it won't be such hard work thanks

Happyandhungry Mon 06-Mar-17 11:05:45

I had friends like this, unfortunately they are not really friends and you soon realise when you find a friend that actually bothers with you! Then you realise how incredibly selfish those other "friends" were and look back on conversations and realise they never once asked how you are etc too busy talking about themselves!

cheekybean Mon 06-Mar-17 11:06:01

I haven't suddenly gone quiet though. Im not a texter, not a facebooker etc etc. I don't see her from one week to the next unless I initiate it. over the summer I didn't see her at all. And with her getting married, I figured she needed space and would get it touch when she wanted to.

cheekybean Mon 06-Mar-17 11:15:46

I really struggle to make friends. For years my mother has told me my friends are common, stupid, wasters etc etc. They weren't but it just got easier not to have any friends rather than listen to the abuse from Mum until I got rid of the friend. Now Im married and LC with mum, Im finding it incredibly hard to make friends. I just assume that they don't want me etc. When I try to explain this to people, they think Im potty. I know it sounds potty but that's the way it is.

cheekybean Mon 06-Mar-17 11:16:30

Sorry - its turned into a therapy session blush

RB68 Mon 06-Mar-17 11:19:26

She is a fair weather friend - please just find other friends and move on.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 06-Mar-17 11:21:17

Tbh, she does not see you as a good friend, she did not invite you or tell you about her wedding, or her child being born. You were right to just be polite and nothing more to her. I would put that 'friendship' on the scrapheap, and try and move on from it.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 06-Mar-17 11:22:11

I would lower your expectations of her, you may see her as a good friend, but she does not.

SuperFlyHigh Mon 06-Mar-17 11:22:48

She's not your friend if she didn't tell you when she was getting married or when her son was born.

She's probably annoyed for you ignoring her but should be understanding, she uses you for lifts.

Make other friends.

MusicToMyEars800 Mon 06-Mar-17 11:23:44

OP, she is not worth your time or energy and if she was a proper friend she would make the effort. I am like you, I don't make friends easily I am mad quirky grin I find it really hard to be myself around people, I would love just just make a friend who I can be myself around and who accepts me for who I am.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 06-Mar-17 11:24:54

Forget her, and in time hopefully you will make some good friends.

PeaFaceMcgee Mon 06-Mar-17 11:27:24

She's not your friend. She doesn't value you. Sorry.

Bluntness100 Mon 06-Mar-17 11:27:48

Is there maybe something missing from this story? You said you bumped into her, uou both said hello, and you carried on with what you were doing. The next stage is you apologise and she says she doesn't want her children to have anything to do with you because of your behaviour.

That's a very very weird and extreme over reaction to just saying hi. Is there anything else that happened in that encounter?

Aeroflotgirl Mon 06-Mar-17 11:28:55

Reading more of your posts, op, she is as toxic as hell and a user. You sound so down, that you accept such shoddy treatment from her, and even apologise to her, when you don't need to. You will be far more happier, if you cut her dead from your life. She is dragging you down.

cheekybean Mon 06-Mar-17 11:34:03

Bluntness - No that's it. I was gobsmacked by the message. My DH couldn't believe it either. I expect the school grapevine has been working overtime

KatharinaRosalie Mon 06-Mar-17 11:36:40

I don't really see how she could be called a friend - doesn't invite you to the wedding, doesn't tell you when her child is born. And if a freind of mine told me she was dropping in, I would just call and ask when exactly, not sit around and wait the entire day. Why didn't you ask her where she was?

Or the other event: 'Hey friend, you asked me over but you're not here, some kind of mix up?' would be an appropriate reaction.

YANBU to feel hurt but it seems that you assumed you are closer friends than she would think. If she hasn't been in touch since September, sounds like you might need to find some other friends.

MadMags Mon 06-Mar-17 11:38:09

Honestly, she is not worth this. She's not your friend...

mummytime Mon 06-Mar-17 11:42:19

She's not a good friend. But you see her as such after everything your Mother has done to you. She was just using you to fill in when she was bored/didn't have anything better.
You said Hello, but didn't "drop everything" when she bothered to greet you, that was fine - you were busy. You don't have to grab every crumb of attention.

You need to: get some counselling. And take steps to make real friends - join a group or class, volunteer to help with the school fair, go to a coffee morning.

teresa2003 Mon 06-Mar-17 12:01:47

In the nicest possible way you sound very lonely to me. Sometimes when we are lonely we just long for one friend, any friend and so try and make someone fit that role. You sound a lovely person and I am sure there are people who would truly value your kind and attentive and caring friendship. Sounds wasted on her tbh. I know its easy to say but I have been in your shoes after moving to a new area and felt at my age couldn't make new friends and the more I tried to make friends out of people I came across the more I failed and looked like a weirdo asking passing acquaintances round for a coffee etc . I'm not saying don't put yourself out there but try and relax a bit and just be yourself. I now have lots of friends as soon as I stopped trying too hard and gave up on people that obviously didn't want to know instead of thinking 'Oh it must be me' and 'Whats wrong with me' and so on. Most of my friends are partners /wives of my DHs or were his friends originally (he has lived round here all his life) and I used to think that was a cop out and I should get my own friends etc and I'm pathetic cant even get my own blah blah. But now I realise a friend is a friend is a friend so it matters not a jot. I once got told off by one of them at a birthday meal in my honour for referring to them collectively as DHs friends and how glad I was to have met them all. 'No we are YOUR friends too now' she said and they all agreed. So could you try and socialise more with your DH even if you find that difficult and then that will open you up to more possibilities of making friends. I am presuming here that your DH doesn't suffer the same difficulties you do and is a more social animal. Very best of luck to you and remember there are lots of people in the same boat as you however much it seems that everyone has friends sometimes when you are feeling low it just seems that way but it isn't. I live in the NW if you want to pm me.

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