NC for this, but regular.
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but don't want to dripfeed so a bit of background is needed.
Sister is childless, recently bought her first house with her longterm partner, having lived at home to that point. She has mild anxiety and depression, but both she and her partner hold down well-paid graduate jobs. Despite owning her own home (which is beautiful) for 2 years, she still lives with my parents at weekends, including taking her washing there for them to do. She also spends all her annual leave there (she has literally never had a holiday elsewhere). She is 37.
Recently, due to a scheduling conflict, my parents pulled out of an arrangement to see Dsis and her partner for a week of annual leave. They didn't communicate this well to Dsis, and left it to the last minute to tell her, which was understandably upsetting for her.
However, Dsis is now refusing to speak to, or contact, our parents and says she feels that they have shown her "disrespect". (While I feel that they could have given her more notice, I disagree that they intended to show a lack of respect by it). She is accusing them of deliberately depriving her of any possibility of having a nice week off, because she can't possibly take time off in her own home with her partner and still enjoy it. Therefore, they have "ruined" her holiday and she can't forgive them for depriving her of "precious downtime".
What concerns me most is that she takes the position, and I quote, that our parents' refusal to have her over for the week means that they are "in dictating mode and there is very little that is less helpful that people telling you they know what you need better than you yourself do". In other words, she TOLD my parents she needed a week off with them, and they dared to suggest they had other things to do and that she really should get more used to spending annual leave with her partner alone. My sister thinks this is absolutely outrageous and that they owe her a nice time on her week off. There is no room her for my parents to have their own independent desires.
Important bit of context: my position to date has been to stand clear of this relationship and to let them all get on with it. I have, however, become quite concerned about things since my DM has significant MH issues and there have been hints that these are being (unwittingly or deliberately) exploited. In particular, my mother finds it very hard to say "no" (due to an abusive childhood) by herself, so it's incredibly difficult for her to set boundaries. What happens repeatedly is that my sister insists that there is a medical reason for her to get what she wants: she must have their company on a certain date because of her anxiety, they must do her washing because of her depression etc. Now it has become that my mother is "damaging her" by denying her the opportunity to have the annual leave she wants. My Mum has said explicitly she doesn't want to do these things like extra washing (she and my Dad are in their late 60s and both are cancer survivors), but she feels guilted into them.
I just don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should continue to stay out of this as a toxic situation that is between them. Another part desperately wants to support and protect my parents, because I feel this is now reaching a point of entitlement/potential exploitation where it is becoming almost a mild form of abuse. WWYD?
AIBU?
WWYD - sibling feels entitled to DPs time
hatchbackofnotredame · 06/03/2017 09:01
Your sister needs help from a qualified mental health practioner. The rest of you need to Google the phrase "walking on eggshells". You are doing her, or yourselves, no favours at all by enabling her to carry on like a dependent child. Easier said than done I know but in enabling her you are limiting your own lives as well as hers. Ofcourse it's easier to appease her but the eventual fall out when someone inevitably cracks will be huge.
You're totally right that her behaviour is odd and unacceptable. Depression and anxiety are horrible but they cannot be an excuse for people to manipulate, control and abuse their families. But she's an adult so there's actually very very little you can do other than determine your own behaviour and the same is true of your parents. Keep your distance, don't entertain her behaviour and support your parents in doing the same. You can't change your sister but you can stop dancing to her tune.
Personally I'd go at her like a bullwhip (because it was when I did that to my mother that it drew her up short) but I have absolutely no tolerance for people who behave like that. Good luck to you, it's not easy having to deal with this sort of thing 
Interesting, there is a divide here between 'say everything' and 'do nothing'. This feels like my dilemma really! I am inclining towards a strategy of really supporting my parents as much as I can and not saying anything much to her. She thinks her behaviour is normal and that they are being deeply unreasonable so I doubt I can make much headway. I think counselling would be a great idea. I suspect she would resist it, however, as she tends not to like anyone or anything that suggests another viewpoint from her own, and I suspect this would be necessary for her to be happy. Catch 22.
The question about her partner is an interesting one, and something I wonder about myself. I don't know their situation well enough to be able to judge what the true dynamic is, but he seems a gentle, passive man who worships the ground she walks on. I think she probably treats him much in the same way as she treats our parents.
FriedSpam - yes, it has always been like this. 
And yes, I think my parents are exhausted. Before she bought they house, she lived with them all the time (despite the fact that she and her partner have been together for over a decade). They did everything for her - she would come in from work and they would have her dinner ready on the table, her washing done and ironed etc. She used to cook once or twice at the weekend, and saw that as ample compensation for everything they did for her! So the fact she's now spending 5 days a week in her own place is an improvement in the right direction. This moment is a huge step - it is literally the first time anyone has really said 'no' to her.
I think counselling is a great idea. I will try to suggest it.
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Oh, and in the past - a long time ago (I'm 3 years older than her so there is a long history here!) - I did challenge her on the living at home thing, including the "They won't be around forever" line. But I was told in no uncertain terms by her to wind my neck in. She didn't speak to me for months afterwards, and regularly complains that I dared bring it up. So I am treading on eggshells, I really am.
It is difficult when, on the surface, the situation appears to involve consenting adults on all sides. I have always felt it was verging on abusive beneath that superficial level, but it's only recently that my DM has manage to pluck up courage to say "no". It's only when one party overtly says that they don't want it that this room opens up for the status quo to be challenged.
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