To be behaving like such a jealous cow...(29 Posts)
I'm feeling very very guilty for being such a horrible cow so this is more of a confession, and wondering if I'm alone in feeling like this.
Long story short I had an ectopic pregnancy at the beginning of the year, very upsetting but caught nice and early so hopefully no lasting damage, we are moving forward emotionally and trying again.
I have a much younger sibling and my mum has kept all the useful baby stuff for me that is in good condition to have. At the time I was actually pregnant and it was all going well, my mum has a friend who is about a month further along than me at this point and we are at her house. She and mum are talking and mum mentions that she can have something for the baby that's stored away in the attic...Cue some minor jealousy from me but I didn't say anything, I was still too happy to be pregnant and didn't mind really.
Fast forward to me having lost my pregnancy and this friend is obviously still pregnant and I'm wallowing andfeeling a bit self indulgent and shit about myself, not really wanting to hear too much about her morning sickness and how bad it is (at this point I would give anything to have morning sickness) of course I say nothing, I'm very happy for her and there is nothing wrong with being excited and wanting to share that, I'm just a bit stuck on myself at the moment.
She and my mum hang out a lot, they swap clothes and coo over baby stuff and chat about her due date, and mum is always saying oh don't get that I've got one in the attic I've never used etc etc. Now I'm being hugely selfish and self absorbed here but that stuff was meant for me, she has taken the trouble to save it and keep it in good condition all these years just to give it away to someone else.
I feel like I'm being replaced, this friend is quite young, closer to my age really and my mum and i have quite a close relationship but they see each other almost every day and they swap clothes and do the stuff that we do together. I'm not saying my mum can't have friends that's not the issue at all and I know rationally I'm being insecure and petty but my hormonal, self blaming brain is screaming at me saying it's all your fault because you couldn't make the pregnancy work she is focussing on someone who is doing it properly and not causing her all these problems.
I don't know if I'm being crazy (I know I'm being a little crazy) or if this is quite a normal (if not rational) response after recent traumatic events.
So sorry for your loss. I can totally understand why you are peeved about this, and upset too...could you have a word with your mum or would it lead to rows? Maybe your mum thinks it takes the pressure off you to conceive again if her friend has the baby stuff?
Don't waste time beating yourself up about your lost pregnancy though, its not right! Be kind to yourself. X
I don't think it would cause a row, I just feel a bit petty and pathetic to bring it up as it's not actually my stuff yet, I don't really have any right to any of it. She knows I want it and she has saved it for years and years, I'm just a bit hurt that after all that time I failed once and it's like her attention is totally elsewhere now. I guess my perception is wrong, she could be trying to take the pressure off and I'm just handling it badly.
I'm so sorry for your loss
I dont think YABU. Your Mum shouldnt be constantly talking about baby things like that in front of you so soon after you lost your baby, thats heartless. She should be doing some bonding things with you.
I don't think you'll get one person saying. YABU. I think that would upset anyone. Suffering a loss then watching their own mother bill coo and fuss over a pregnant women. I think you're entitled to feel envious.
TBH. I don't know why your mum is so obsessed over a friends pregnancy.
My friends pregnancies. Never entered my head. In fact I'd be lying if I said I was particularly interested.
Your mum's being very very insensitive. Of course you don't want to hear how bad it is for pregnant women.
This is really sad and I hope you're ok. There are real people at the end of these messages and if you need any support please let me know. That's tough man, BUT I got a load of stuff in M&Co for four quid the other day. It is just 'stiff' and, although it must hurt, treat it as such. It's clear your Mum is so looking forward to being a Nan and she is a nice person so she's helping someone else but it must sting. I went through all the little emoticon pictures and I can't send you a kiss l, so here's a Facebook/text kiss 😘
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
It's all a bit insensitive, yes. And it must feel horrible from your perspective
Does the friend actually want the stuff anyway? My mum had stuff like toys of ours put away. I was keen for sentimental reasons but tbh whilst I knew where it had been and was fine, I wouldn't have had it second hand from other people. The friend may not actually want it.
Feckitt. Perhaps read the op in full then. Before passing judgement
On a serious note though, one day you will look in your babies eyes and say, "Wow." And you won't give a tiny little shit about anything else.
I really feel for you OP. My first pregnancy was an ectopic, and I kept going over it, blaming myself and thinking it must have been my fault somehow, even though my rational brain knew it wasn't. Be kind to yourself and best wishes that you'll have a successful pregnancy soon.
So many baby things are only needed for a short period, a few months or a year at most, so your friend may have finished with them by the time you need them and could then return them to you?
I've had two ectopics (one of which was my first pregnancy, plus a miscarriage) so I understand where you are coming from. You are not being selfish or self indulgent to "wallow" after a pregnancy loss. You are completely entitled to grieve your lost baby.
Your mother is being a total cow (to put it mildly). She should have your back before anyone else's. Continuing to coo over the other pregnant woman, and worse, offer stuff that would've gone to her first(?) grandchild to someone else is beyond cruel, especially in your hearing. Not to mention, if you had gone to term, how exactly was she going to split each item between two babies? Or was her plan just to forget about giving it to you and let the friend have everything?!
If you don't want to hear anymore about her friend's baby for the time being, then tell your mum that. She should've had enough sense and decency towards her own daughter not to have to be told this, but sometime people do need these things spelled out for them.
I hope you'll be on the way to needing baby stuff of your own soon enough. I did manage to have some successful pregnancies, so my fingers are crossed for you too.
I would try and sit down with your mother over a cup of tea and have a chat with her over how her behaviour is making you feel. Explain how much you were looking forward to her first grandchild with her, that you were looking forward to using the baby stuff in the loft and keeping it in the family, that you are feeling replaced by this other woman and that obviously you are happy that her friend is having a baby but how miserable you are over having lost your own.
If she's got half an ounce of empathy she should immediately get where you're coming from and give you a huge hug. You don't sound crazy at all to me, you sound justifiably upset.
Thank you so much for all your kind messages, I'm never sure with posting stuff it can sometimes be a bit brutal, but I needed to get this off my chest. I just wanted to see if I came off as a total brat about it.
I love my mum dearly and she is a wonderful kind woman and I don't think any of this is intentional, she simply doesn't have a mean bone in her body, I agree with everyone and I do need to have a chat with her.
It's only in my low self loathing moments that I feel like this, it's jealousy pure and simple. It's not about money, my husband and I are more than capable of getting everything a baby needs, it's more about what it all stands for. This will be her first grandchild and she saved all this amazing stuff for it, and whilst I totally know it's her stuff and she can do what she wants with it, it's a sentimental thing. The memories behind it and the thought she put into it were meant for me and that's what I'm upset about.
What did the deleted thing say? Does that mean it was bad?
YANBU! I am so sorry for you sweetie I can't say much else in addition to what's already been said, except I am soooooo sorry. No-one is doing anything wrong, but you have every right to feel shitty.
I hope you get pregnant again soon, I hope it all goes well, and please don't feel you're being nasty, coz your feelings are natural.
I think you're mum is being quite insensitive actually. I'm not surprised at how you feel. Hoping you get some good new soon OP.
Your mum is being insensitive and unthoughtful.
The friend (though not really your friend?) isn't much better as she much know about your ectopic pregnancy and that it was your first. It's also not just your mum is buying her stuff (which would be fine) it's sentimental hand me down baby items.
I'd try to have a word with your mother about how upset you are over this.
Lots of good advice given already, but i wanted to add - perhaps she is only lending the bits to her friend for a short while and know the friend will look after it and return it?
Are they things which will only be needed while a baby is very young? Like a baby bath or a bouncy chair? In which case they'll be back in time for you to use when you fall again and have a baby?
I would definitely have a gentle word about not really wanting to listen to all the details about her mates pregnancy right now. That's not unreasonable at all!
Your mum is being insensitive. I'd be pissed off.
You poor thing!
I agree with a PP who said your Mum is being quite insensitive. I'm sure she doesn't mean to do this and would be mortified if she knew! I think you probably need to open up to her and tell her how hard this has hit you, that you're sure she doesn't mean to hurt your feelings but that you're feeling very sensitive right now and would appreciate a bit of extra solidarity for a while. Perhaps agree with her the things that you really want from the loft, and let the friend take other bits and pieces?
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