Am I missing something awful about my own behaviour here?(10 Posts)
Hi sorry, this is alarmingly long but am wary of drip feeding. I'm in my early 20s, live in a house share with 2 others (not in the UK and we are not from the country where we live).one of these women in particular has been a close friend for many years, and the other I have considered a friend since I came to this country.
In September, I started a new job and became very overwhelmed and stressed.I was behaving extremely out of character, felt overwhelmingly anxious in social situations and when out and about. It got so bad that I didn't want to leave the house or even leave my room if there were other people in the house. Felt anxious in shops, would start crying when I crossed the threshold of the house because I was so relieved to be alone. I was also sleeping for about 14 hours a day. I'm a very sociable and outgoing person generally and love to be out and about so suddenly feeling like this was a terrifying experience for me.
I went to the doctor and was referrred to a psychiatrist who was not that helpful, prescribed medication but I would ideally have liked to access counselling in English, which isn't available in this area. It sounds bizarre but this literally just passed after a couple of months and I feel normal again now. I don't know if anyone has ever experienced anything like this? It improved after i went home at Christmas, so I don't know if it was some kind of extreme homesickness. I have been doing a lot of online mindfulness activities so don't know if it's that either.
Since this happened, neither of my housemates have been properly speaking to me. They stopped inviting me to things, stopped including me in little things in the house (e.g watching a movie), arranged things without asking me (weekend trips for the weekend of my birthday). I wasn't feeling sociable anyway as I say but it still hurt not to be invited. I mentioned this recently as said that I was feeling really disrespected in the house (things like having people to stay without asking me, giving people I don't know keys without asking me etc). They said that I had stopped wanting to be their friend and to talk to them, and said that I had been upset and wouldn't leave my room like this was something I had done wrong. They then said that I am now pretending to be ok (wtf) and being friendly but I didn't want to be their friend before Christmas, didn't want to confide in them or take their advice. Their advice was to move home, which was not financially possible for me and seemed extreme, without trying to sort myself out here and when I mentioned this, they both just sighed and rolled their eyes at me. I tried to confide in one of them twice and bith times later heard her talking to the other housemate about it. When I mentioned that I found this hurtful, I was told that I was draining and difficult to live with. Anyway they have said that my behaviour was too concerning before Xmas and they don't want to be my friend as I was "draining them". They literally never expressed this to me at the time. AIBU to find this hurtful after years of friendship?
As an aside, I have a lot of experience in dealing with people with mental health difficulties, my dad had depression when I was a teenager which led him to be physically violent toward me. This was obviously extremely difficult for our whole and I had confided in one of the housemates about it at the time. When I said I understood that I had been a bad friend but I genuinely hadn't been in a fit state to be a good one, she said "you of all people should understand how difficult it is to live with someone who's like this". AIBU to think the situation of being attacked by a parent who is putting the entire family under extreme stress, not working, putting his business in jeopardy etc is not comparable to this???
They sound incredibly lacking in empathy. They're fair weather friends, you're fine as long as you're the life and soul of the party but can't be bothered if things get a bit difficult.
Is there any chance that you said hurtful things to them at the time?
I have someone in my life who started to be very critical of me when they were highly stressed, the more I did for them the worse they got towards me. Whilst I understand much of their behaviour I do need them to acknowledge that there was no truth in the things they said to me. It's a very different situation to yours but I wonder if you inadvertently atacked them in some way.
YANBU re comparison to a violent parent! That is not comparable.
However, I can see that living with you when you were anxious could be very draining. I would be worried and not know what to do if you were in state as described. Other than help you go to the dr's. And the constant worry would be draining as well as feeling guilty about going out, not wanting to invite people back etc.
But they sound like they've disassociated themselves during your illness and have moved on. Not like friends who were worried about you and happy that you're better.
Make some new friends and have some fun. You are young, enjoy yourself!
Chances are that you've been difficult to live with while you've been going through this. If you never spoke to them about it then it's likely that they just view you as having been an arsehole for the last few months.
Op I think you were really awful to them and now that things have turned around you want them to forget and move on. For a good friend as you say to not want to have much to do with you after years of friendship, you must have said some hurtful and probably unforgivable stuff.
For some people you don't just get to behave anyhow and then expect to be forgiven.
As it went on for a few months, that must have been horrible for them to have lived with as well.
I went through this. Had a terrible and sudden bout of depression which led me to being very tearful anxious and withdrawn.
My friends found it very difficult to be around me. A couple dropped me, and even after I got better didn't want to pick up the friendship again. I was terribly hurt and didn't understand how apparently all my good qualities had been suddenly forgotten.
With the benefit of 20 years hindsight, I was being a bit unfair. They were only in their early twenties and spectacularly I'll equipped to deal with someone spiralling into a bad mental health issue. Looking back, I appeared surly, morose, irritable, withdrawn to an extreme, self absorbed and completely uninterested in their lives in comparison to my own distress. I was the very definition of draining.
Meanwhile their lives continued on with their own stresses and worries. And I was simply not a friend to them for several months.
I was also I think a bit unreasonable in expecting things to go back to normal just because I had gone back to normal. People can't just switch back on when they'd been forced to look at your closed door for months, and resent being asked to.
Thanks for the replies everyone. I really appreciate your honesty, that's exactly what I want as its difficult to talk to people in real life about this, and impossible to get a fair perspective.
Sorry I can't figure out how to tag people but Elspeth, your post really really resonated with me, thanks for sharing that. I think that sums it up for me, that all my good qualities seem to count for nothing after years of friendship because I was having a bad time. Maybe I am being unfair.
I'm 100% certain I have never said anything personally hurtful to either of them, but I appreciate that when they tried to talk to me and encourage me to go home, after initially saying that I was going to try to sort it in other ways, when they both rolled their eyes at me, I did bite their heads off and shouted that I knew my own mind and didn't want to hear it. I felt hurt that i wanted to confide in my friends and felt like I was being told what I had to do, what was wrong with me and how to fix it when I felt desperate and like it wasn't fixable.
This is 150% out of character, I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm generally a patient person (work with kids) and in years of friendship they would have never known me to shout at anyone before, nevermind them. From their perspective I can see that it could be very off putting and I know it was irrational. I dunno, when I read these posts and put it in writing I do see their perspective but it just feels such a harsh one or something. I also feel awful to think that I had a negative impact on others like this when I was really unwell. I don't know if this makes sense.
Hope you get to sort it out in some way. Sounds like you went through a horrible time.
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