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My DH is leaving after more than 20 years.

(162 Posts)
user1488723505 Sun 05-Mar-17 14:35:51

He has told me today. There are loads of things he wants to do with his life. I am holding him back apparently. I have mobility issues. I asked if there's anything I can do to make him stay. Even begged him. I love him so much. We have so much history together and he's throwing it away. Kids are grown with their own lives and just when we can start living ours he has thrown it away. We have had problems in the past with his infidelity ( 18+ years ago) and I gave him another chance. Everything seemed to be ok. Now this has happened. I guess I'm asking AIBU to think I can change his mind or even should I try? He swears there's no one else but he wants to do stuff I can't do without feeling guilty and he can't if we're still together. Please help me make sense of this.

SookiesSocks Sun 05-Mar-17 14:38:22

I think he is using your mobility isdues as an excuse. I am so sorry.

There is probably something else but the shit is making out you are the reason.

Do you have rl support?

hesterton Sun 05-Mar-17 14:38:49

I am so sorry. It sounds horrendously painful.

I don't think begging him to change his mind is going to do anything other than make you feel worse.

Have you any real life support?

Could you suggest that you try couples counselling, even if it is about leading to a less agonising split?

ImperialBlether Sun 05-Mar-17 14:39:35

I'm so sorry. What sort of things does he want to do that he can't do while he's with you?

threesocksmeghan Sun 05-Mar-17 14:42:30

flowers please do not beg him. He is a shit for blaming you. Hold your head up high and let him walk without losing your pride. We are all here for you x

Squeegle Sun 05-Mar-17 14:43:51

I am sorry. That is rubbish. He sounds a bit self centred. I think you have to let him go with dignity after saying what you have said and if he won't change his mind. He may come back when he has realised the grass isn't greener. But generally pleading doesn't work in these situations in my experience sad

Mermaidinthesea Sun 05-Mar-17 14:44:03

Selfish bastard. My husband left me last year just before a major operation and mobility issues becasue he didn't want to have to look after me afterwards.
Sorry but some men are just c**ts and you should let him go.
I let mine go after 21 years and life has never been better. You don't need someone as selfish as that in your life tbh.
i am still able to work as my job is sitting most of the day and I am better off financially as I no longer have to pay all of his bills as well as my own.
You should never have to beg anyone to stay, they either want to be with you or not.
Turf him out and never have him back - you will make new memories and they will be better.
He sounds like a number one arse.

user1488723505 Sun 05-Mar-17 14:47:36

Thank you for your replies. He wants to travel to USA ( I'm unable to fly long haul) climb mountains ( haha to me doing that) go to festivals and camp. ( can't do that either) Sounds like a midlife crisis I know. I said that to him. He has gone away for several weekends a year to festivals and gigs and run marathons etc. I've never stopped him but apparently he has felt guilty leaving me. I had no problems with it, I met friends and did other things.

PussInCoutts Sun 05-Mar-17 14:49:30

Sounds awful flowers

Something sounds a bit off here. If you've genuinely not stopped him doing these things and not guilt tripped or been passive aggressive about them -- why the heck couldn't he pursue his interests while remaining in a marriage with you??

Sounds so sad. I am sorry.

Schwifty Sun 05-Mar-17 14:49:34

Oh OP that's so sad. I echo the sentiments of pps, hard as is it please try not to beg any more, he sounds like a selfish prick. Have you spoken to your kids yet? They might be grown up but you'll always be their mum. Sending hugs.

AnyFucker Sun 05-Mar-17 14:50:03

He has another woman or he has hopes of it. Sorry.

TupperwareTat Sun 05-Mar-17 14:54:44

It's him - not you.

Sounds like he has plans to start or continue a relationship.

Piece of shit blaming you.

Let the fucker go, and watch him come crawling back in a few months. Then tell him to piss off up a mountain for the rest of his sorry lonely life.

SantinoRice Sun 05-Mar-17 14:54:46

Agree with AnyFucker

He feels guilty leaving you for the odd weekend so instead he's going to leave you forever? Makes no sense.

KC225 Sun 05-Mar-17 14:56:03

Has this come out of the blue or did you know he wanted to leave? Do your children know? Will they be able to give you some support?

I'm afraid I agree with the above poster who said he is using your mobility as an excuse and that there is probably someone else.

Nothing said on hear I'd going to make you feel better or get him back. You are going to go through a horrible time, painful and self doubting but you will come out of it knowing he is a selfish shit and you are and have been a forgiving, loyal and loving woman who deserves and can achieve better.

Big hug OP.

pipsqueak25 Sun 05-Mar-17 14:56:09

this is a horrible situation when you both want different things out of life and you have a long history together but sadly the time seems to come to the end of the road.
it isn't wrong of him to want more from life, he wants to do things that he can't do with you and that is fair enough, pleading for him to stay isn't going to help, he might well end up resenting you for it and leaving at a later date anyway. better to sort things out whilst you are able to speak in a civil manner rather than through legal channels.
look at it as being a chance to do things you are able to enjoy, you have a long journey ahead before you arrive at a better place in your life but it will be worth it in the end.
you have support of your family, friends and mners, flowers

TheFirstMrsDV Sun 05-Mar-17 14:58:52

He is a selfish arse and is using your issues to justify himself.
My OH has mobility issues. He can't walk.
I would like to go on exotic holidays and stuff and maybe I will when the kids are big.
I can leave him at home when I go, I don't need to leave him.

Let him go. He sounds like he is dragging you down.

user1488723505 Sun 05-Mar-17 15:02:30

I don't think there's someone else. But then I didn't think he would leave me so what do I know? I am overwhelmed at the moment. I will probably lose my house as I won't be able to pay for it. I'm at my wits end.

JaneEyre70 Sun 05-Mar-17 15:03:03

It's so hard to do but hold onto your pride and let him go. Nothing is less attractive than someone begging and he's clearly made his mind up. The loss is his, not yours and now you stand a chance of finding someone who loves and deserves you. He is clearly slap bang in the middle of a mid life crisis and there is zero you can do to stop him. You deserve and are worth far more flowers.

Westfacing Sun 05-Mar-17 15:03:29

He has another woman or he has hopes of it. Sorry.

Not necessarily another specific woman, IMO, but probably hopes of, or at least a young bachelor lifestyle.

I worked with someone in her 40s, husband same age, together 25 years, grown kids, etc., and he had a typical mid-life crisis. Left home and successful business, bought a porsche and ran around for a while, then went to live somewhere exotic - kids visited a few times, no obvious sign of new woman or string of young girls.

I've no idea what happened to him but she happily was able to move on and make a new life.

greenthings Sun 05-Mar-17 15:03:33

dare I say this, but IMO alot of men are more selfish. Women don't seem to mind so much in the role of "carer". Flame me if I'm wrong. He could have another woman, but equally he could be thinking of having another woman who shares the stuff physically he wants to do. MermaidintheSea, a great positive message, really helpful.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo Sun 05-Mar-17 15:07:47

user what a shock.

Have you got any friends or family that you can turn to in these initial few days? You must feel absolutely blind-sided by this, because you've always been happy for him to have an active life even if you don't do everything together.

His reaction tells you he's prioritizing himself and his needs. Better know now than further down the line when you are older/less mobile, although it won't feel like that. Karma will hopefully bite him on the bum

My husband can't do lots of stuff due to his disability, of course I don't leave him on this basis! I do some activities independently, and the rest we do together. That's what 'in sickness and in health' means. He's a shit and has forgotten.

Do get support around you, tell your friends/family and if you can bear it, don't beg. It won't change anything now.

littlefrog3 Sun 05-Mar-17 15:09:15

Words fail me. I'm so sorry OP. I don't know what to say. I think he will come to regret it; some day soon.

ToastDemon Sun 05-Mar-17 15:13:01

pipsqueak the vows are In sickness and in health.
Of course it's wrong of him. Wrong, shitty and a staggeringly selfish betrayal of a long marriage.

scorpio1981 Sun 05-Mar-17 15:15:00

Get angry; get really really angry and then first thing tomorrow morning get a solicitor. Ask around. The best family solicitors usually have a reputation and so ask your friends. Fight for your corner and you won't lose your house. I know you feel like you've been hit by a typhoon but you need to think straight and plan your next move. The more you beg, the more he will walk because human nature is like that. You will survive and if you have kids, for their sake if nothing else be strong. You really can make this useless shit pay big time if you play your cards right.

Miserylovescompany2 Sun 05-Mar-17 15:28:07

He's telling you exactly who he is. A complete selfish twat that can't see further than the end of his own nose or need for that matter.

He would of been thinking about this for some time, so for him, he's been planning the speech he gave you. For you though, it's a bolt out the blue. Your world must feel like its stopped turning? His hasn't.

Do yourself a favour and get legal advice ASAP. You can't stop him leaving. You can look after your own interests though and take some control back.

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