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Ex new house

(10 Posts)
spaceyface89 Sun 05-Mar-17 11:39:36

DS is nine months. Ex left 3 months ago. When we lived together, he showed very little interest in DS. He sees him as and when his social life will permit.

He is moving into a shared house with friends today. I know what their lifestyle is like - all nighters, after parties etc which is certainly not conducive to a small baby. As he's not the only person in the house he can't account for everyone around and the condition of the place. He doesn't really see DS enough to know just how mobile he is now and what he's like and I worry ex will not respond to this.

Ex is supposed to take DS every Saturday morning but i do have concerns about him bringing back to this house which I explained to ex. His response, as I expected, was to see this as a challenge and threat to his ability to control, and basically told me to shut up.

Am I being unreasonable to say until he can provide assurances the house is safe for DS, with cot, baby equipment, etc, and no afterparties when he's due to have DS, he can see him at his sister or parents house?

SookiesSocks Sun 05-Mar-17 11:43:20

If the enviroment is not safe or suitable for a child/baby then YANBU.
However have you seen the house because if not how can you judge it as unsuitable? You can assume its a mess and dangerous but without proof you have no real argument against him going there.

He should have the basic equipment though that goes without saying.

Babymamamama Sun 05-Mar-17 11:43:58

It's very tricky I can sympathise with you I would probably be the same in your shoes but on the other hand the contact with the father will in theory be beneficial. Hopefully the contact will only be day time and he can take dc out to the park etc.

SansComic Sun 05-Mar-17 12:30:30

What assurances are you after? Do you feel you have the right to inspect his house or for him to submit a detailed written report before you'll allow him to have his child.

I can imagine this is difficult but your son is half yours and half his. Give him the opportunity to be a father. Don't make this more difficult than it needs to be.

happypoobum Sun 05-Mar-17 12:33:13

Do you mean he is just having him for a few hours - not overnight?

If so then sorry YABU.

bloodyteenagers Sun 05-Mar-17 12:34:27

Why would he need a cot for a Saturday morning?
Why can he not have parties? I have parties and the children live with me.
What baby equipment do you mean? Toys and nappies or more?

SleepFreeZone Sun 05-Mar-17 12:35:19

YANBU I would be horrified.

19lottie82 Sun 05-Mar-17 12:37:40

I think it would make sense to take the LO to his parents house until he gets his own place.

Amongst other things would his housemates want a crying baby around when they've been up all night or are trying to sleep off a hangover?

barinatxe Sun 05-Mar-17 12:37:59

Unfortunately for you, shared accommodation arrangements like these are pretty common and would not be seen as reasonable grounds to withhold contact.

To deny him contact, you would have to have concrete proof that the child would be at risk by being there. His housemates having their friends around would not be seen as proof, even if they haven't been personally vetted by you or your ex. The fact that they are prone to all-night partying wouldn't be seen as proof either. It would be up to your ex to make sure that the arrangements are suitable, you would only be able to withhold contact if you could prove that he was failing to do this.

Your natural concerns for your child are based on fears of what might happen, not what necessarily will happen. The burden of proof falls on you - you need to prove why it is unsafe, your ex does not need to prove that it is safe - the assumption is that the parent will look after the child unless their is evidence to the contrary.

fatmummy87 Sun 05-Mar-17 12:42:08

Hmmm I'm on the fence. I can understand how hard it is for you and I would hate the thought of my baby somewhere that might not be safe but he is his dad.
Do you get on well with his sister and mum? Could they offer reassurances that the house is safe?
If he's shown little interest so far then let's face it, he'll probably be round at his mums or sisters anyway so he can do the bare minimum.

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