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To think chat rooms are a bad idea even for adults

(6 Posts)
Trixiebelle16 Sun 05-Mar-17 11:07:03

My friend confessed to me yesterday that she has been occasionally going on an adult chat forum while her husband is away working. She takes on a different persona while she is on there (busty, blonde twenty-something) and has flirty, sometimes explicit exchanges with men. She is an intelligent and capable woman who I really admire but she recently turned forty and is feeling stuck in a rut with her job, has gained a lot of weight recently and says she just enjoys the fantasy of being someone else. She says she misses being the kind of woman that men want and the exchanges are fun, like writing her own Fifty Shades of Grey and she says it's no worse than when her husband watches (legal) online porn.

I was pretty shocked - she's just not the sort I would imagine would do this kind of thing (I've never even heard her swear!). I promised her I wasn't judging her but deep down I guess I was a bit. I just think it's a risky thing to do. She swears she's in control of it, never gives away any real personal info, never shares or opens photos, always ends any chat that's getting a bit weird and always asks the age of the person she's talking to. It was a big deal for her to tell me about it so I don't want to make her regret telling me so do I just leave her to it or do I try to warn her off it. I know it's consenting adults and it's just pretend but what if something does go wrong? I don't know if she would really be able to deal with it.

haveacupoftea Sun 05-Mar-17 11:10:58

It seems like a step beyond porn to me - she's taking an active rather than a passive role if that makes sense. I think it could be dangerous to her marriage. I also think there's not much point in you worrying about it because there's nothing you can do.

AuntieStella Sun 05-Mar-17 11:11:42

This is between her and her DH.

If she is chat only, not meeting up and not giving real personal details, then no she won't be coming to any harm.

But nor will she be solving any RL issues. Perhaps you could (tactfully) shift your focus to supporting her with the issues you think are keeping her in what you see as a rut?

HerOtherHalf Sun 05-Mar-17 11:16:52

The key is whether her husband is fully aware or not. If he is then it's between them and none of your business. If he isn't? Well, turn this around a bit and consider what advice would be given to a woman who found out that her husband was engaging in explicit chats with women online. It would be a resounding chorus of LTBs and excuses that it was all a fantasy on his part would be shot down in flames.

Trixiebelle16 Sun 05-Mar-17 11:28:47

Hubby is definitely not aware and I'm guessing won't be unless she forgets to delete her internet history. She says she struggles to be intimate with him sometimes because of how she feels about her own body and for those few mins online she gets to be somebody else. I wish she could just be happier in her own skin and not need to pretend.

MsGameandWatch Sun 05-Mar-17 12:18:47

I think a real friend wouldn't judge this.

I'd be afraid of the repercussions for her but ultimately I would mind my own business and not allow myself any involvement in thinking about it and it and it certainly wouldn't change my opinion of her.

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