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AIBU?

To think my husband has aggression problems

40 replies

Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 10:23

I've been married to him for 17 years and he's always had quite a short fuse. Early in the marriage he did something really awful to me and I should have left him straight after that, but didn't as he was apologetic and I felt sorry for him. Basically though I've pretty much always felt like he could snap - he has done several times but never to the extent of the first time. He gets really angry really quickly and he'll give me this look that you just wouldn't believe. I don't really know what I'm trying to say other than I think I might have had enough. This morning for instance in bed, I tugged at the covers because he has a habit of holding on to them for dear life even in his sleep, and he woke up and went mental! It was unbelievable-shouting, calling names. That's not normal is it? I think he needs help but also think a) won't and b) can I even be bothered trying to make him as not sure I love him any more? We have 2 kids and he loves them, isn't aggressive towards them (although he can be childish and huffy with them). Don't really know what I'm asking. Just kind of fed up and off-loading really.

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andontothenext · 05/03/2017 10:26

What did he do to you?

The fear alone is as bad as the aggression that may come.

Honestly I'd be making plans to exit the marriage.

Purplebluebird · 05/03/2017 10:26

Yes, he does. My other half is similar, and I am going to leave him partly over that.

pilates · 05/03/2017 10:28

Can you tell him that he scares you and for the sake of the marriage would he be prepared to have anger management?

Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 10:34

Thanks for replies. Yes the fear is the worst. Don't get me wrong, I do give him verbals back but always have to back down as he gets scary. The thing he did early on-l we were on a weekend away. Both got quite drunk so I don't remember what made him snap but he grabbed me out of bed by the hair, swung me around then threw me against a wall. Picked my up by hair and did it again. I had massive bruises all down legs and a swollen knee for weeks. It was horrible. A long time ago but I'll never get I've it.

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Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 10:35

*get over it

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Gallavich · 05/03/2017 10:37

You shouldn't get over it
You should get away from him. It doesn't matter that he hasn't done it since - he hasn't needed to has he? You know what he's capable of. Please get away and get your precious kids away. Forget anger management, it's bollocks and doesn't work.

Hoppinggreen · 05/03/2017 10:37

Why the hell should you get over being violently assaulted?
You are living in fear that he could do something similar again.
Please seriously consider leaving him, your dc WILL pick up that something is wrong

Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 10:38

I know you're right. I can't actually believe I've stayed this long and had kids with him.

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Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 10:44

More minor incidences were throwing a heavy glass ashtray at me, pushing me. But really the looks and the quick temper which are present frequently.

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Polidori · 05/03/2017 10:44

I think that relationship is over. Get out and live safely and without fear. Staying together for the kids is never a good idea.

Polidori · 05/03/2017 10:46

Throwing heavy glass objects at you isn't exactly "minor"

Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 10:46

Thanks. Having it written down makes it pretty clear what I need to do.

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IamFriedSpam · 05/03/2017 10:48

God I would definitely leave him. You shouldn't live in fear and the fact that he's been violent before means there's a significant risk that at some point he'll seriously injure you again or worse. At some point the kids might witness this or at least pick up on the dynamic. I would be thinking of when and how not if to leave (or get him to leave).

Crispbutty · 05/03/2017 10:49

You have been intimidated by him for years, you live in constant fear of upsetting him, and you are minimising his violence.

A glass ashtray could have killed you.

He sounds a very dangerous man who is volatile and I would be out of there asap.

Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 10:49

Stupid saying it's minor really- I suppose I was focusing on the outcome; it hit my shoulder. I guess if it hit my face it would have been another matter.

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Polidori · 05/03/2017 10:51

Very violent incidents and even murders often occur at the point when a woman tells a man she is thinking of leaving. Don't discuss it, just go. Also, although it hasn't happened yet, the violence will be aimed at the kids one day. Don't wait.

Polidori · 05/03/2017 10:53

"Aggression" isn't the word. It's violence.

IamFriedSpam · 05/03/2017 10:55

Do you have someone to help you and family or friends to stay with? Access to joint bank accounts? I would definitely be worried about your safety if you told him you were going to leave.

Squeegle · 05/03/2017 10:56

My ex used to give me awful looks and would also be shouty and nasty and abusive to me. I also don't know why I stayed with him so long. You want them to show their nice side all the time I suppose.

But that's not possible, I left him and am so glad am not with him any more. I used to walk on eggshells all the time, it made me a nervous wreck.

And he wasn't even violent. I just was scared he might be. He was very threatening towards me- and would do things like drive dangerously cos he knew it scared me. So you must feel even more nervous.

I think you know you have to end it. You need to start making your plans

Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 10:57

I've thought about that too- we have a DD who's 12 DS who is 8. I can't imagine him ever hurting them but even if we split up he would no doubt be seeing then on their own/overnight. The kids really do love him and I couldn't keep them from seeing him. I don't think they would forgive me.

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Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 11:06

The violence was a long time ago. Now it is much more of an aggression thing. He's worse after drinking too much, which doesn't happen to much these days. I avoid to going for a night out with him which is pretty easy the days having DC. I know it's a cliche but if it wasn't for the DC I would have been long gone.

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Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 11:07

Thank you so much for all your input. It has helped.

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AshesandDust · 05/03/2017 11:14

It sounds a horrible way to live, OP.
If I were you I'd choose freedom over a life tip-toeing
round a violent man but it must be really difficult for you
to make the leap when you're cowed in to submission by
his rages and threatening looks.

andontothenext · 05/03/2017 11:18

Oh OP please just go when you have the chance.

You'll not regret it and your children won't blame you.

They must see the aggression too

Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 11:25

They don't really think DC see the aggression as such but be is often quite grumpy.

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