Or am I being precious about not sending DD to this sleepover?

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

DD is 3.5. She has been away from us overnight plenty of times but only at her grandparents. We have a niece who is 5, DD is very close to her. Niece is DH's brother's little girl, he and the mum have split but because BIL is quite elusive we see her mainly through her mum, who for purposes of ease I'll refer to as SIL!

Went to see DN and SIL yesterday and SIL promised DD a sleepover next weekend at hers. She said this without asking me first and DD is very excited and keeps going on about it.

Thing is, I'm not happy about her going as to be frank I don't trust SIL all that much. She's certainly not a bad parent but it's a few things that make me a bit worried. Yesterday DN brought through DVDs and asked if her and DD could watch them in her room. They were Ghost Rider, Gremlins (both 15 certificates) and Kill Bill (18). I said absolutely not they're both too young, and SIL backed me up (we sent them away with finding Dory) but told me she lets DN watch them. She's been watching Gremlins since age 2 apparently and is fine with it and they have 'horror movie nights' together.

BTW DN has regular nightmares, which SIL blames BIL on as he's religious and has been teaching her about God. Personally I think it's more likely as a result of these movies!

We had to speak to BIL not long ago as DN was at ours and she drew a picture of a knife with blood on it and told DD that if she stabbed herself in the stomach with a knife she would go to heaven. No idea where his came from but we were shocked and concerned.

We love DN and it's not her fault of course but AIBU in not wanting to send her for a sleepover, is SIL's lax attitude to horror movies enough to justify my concern? I'm sure SIL wouldn't allow them to watch horror movies if I mentioned it but I can't be 100% certain. DN has a DVD player in her room, I wouldn't put it past them to sneak DVDs on past bedtime (DN has slept over here a few times and we've found them up and playing with dolls at midnight )

Also if IANBU how do I say to SIL that DD cant come over? My first thought was to say DN can come here instead but we have a 6 week old and the girls won't go to bed til god knows when so will probably be hard work!

[treaclesoda]

I wouldn't let her go either.

Just say 'thanks for the offer, but she won't be coming'. You are her mother, you don't have to make an excuse, just stay firm and say you appreciate the invitation but you won't be taking her up on it.

[isupposeitsverynice]

Say she's been having night terrors and you don't think it's a good idea. I wouldn't be keen either so don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest

[Aderyn2016]

I wouldn't allow it. If you are not happy then you shouldn't feel pressured into it.
I get really cross with people who promise things to kids without running it past the parents first - it puts you in an awkward position if you want to say no.

[gamerwidow]

Say 'she's been unsettled at night and nows not a good time, maybe when she's older'.
My dsis is really lax about films and looked after my 3yo with child's play on in the background it upset her for weeks.

[IamFriedSpam]

I would offer to host DN for a sleepover instead and say DD is a bit too unsettled at night atm for sleepovers. I seriously can't believe she lets her 5 year old watch horror movies!

[troodiedoo]

Definitely don't allow it. I was going to say I bet DN has nightmares before I got to that part. Poor girl.

[CherieBabySpliffUp]

I'm not sure I would be happy with them playing in another room unsupervised on your visits. You have no idea what your DN is telling your DD about what she is seeing in this films!

[littledinaco]

Trust your gut instinct, if it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

[Crumbs1]

No she's too young and the films are irresponsible.

[VestalVirgin]

I think I'd let her go, after reminding SIL to not let them watch horror movies.
Your daughter is already so excited about it, she'd be disappointed to be told it's not going to happen.

BTW DN has regular nightmares, which SIL blames BIL on as he's religious and has been teaching her about God. Personally I think it's more likely as a result of these movies!

These movies do not claim to be real, though.
It is an unhealthy combination for sure - children who only watch horror movies, without religion, do not get the idea that killing themselves will get them to heaven.
I am pretty sure they're both to blame.

I think a nightmare or two are a risk you can take. If you tell your daughter that she's not allowed to watch horror movies and she does in spite of your advice, then she'll perhaps be more inclined to listen next time you tell her about dangers.

[ILoveMyMonkey]

YANBU in the slightest. I agree with all the excuses given above as a reason to give sil.

As an aside I think it's a cause for concern that your DN is suffering from regular nightmares and the picture she drew is a huge red flag. As a teacher, if I was made aware of these things, I would be filling in a cause for concern and passing it on to our DSP.

The NSPCC says that neglect includes : A child may be put in danger or not protected from physical or emotional harm.. Your DN is not being protected from emotional harm. This not to say that mum deserves to be hauled over the coals or strung up but that she requires some intervention in which to educate her about the emotional damage these films are having.

[pilates]

I wouldn't

[ILoveMyMonkey]

I think a nightmare or two are a risk you can take. If you tell your daughter that she's not allowed to watch horror movies and she does in spite of your advice, then she'll perhaps be more inclined to listen next time you tell her about dangers.

The OP daughter is 3.5 years old!! She would have no comprehension of what a horror film is or be able to heed her mums warning given previously (possibly hours) before a given event. What a ridiculous statement to make!

[JonesyAndTheSalad]

YANBU. Just tell your DD that "Oh we can't do the sleepover because we're doing X instead" and name something she likes.

Tel SIL that DD is too young and won't sleep well away from home. Repeat if needed.

[Cheby]

YANBU in the slightest. And TBH, I would call her out on letter a 5 yo watch 18 horror films!

[Olympiathequeen]

I'm shocked that this woman just hasn't got a clue. I would certain,y not let my child anywhere near that house unaccompanied, now or in the future.
What is the mother on?

[FarAwayHills]

YANBU you should put the care of your DD above your feelings of awkwardness about declining an invitation.

[SituationNormalAllFuctup]

Vestal wtf? This child is too young to make judgements of that type. She needs to be parented by a parent that actually, y'know, parents the child. Making decisions like the OP is doing. Making good decisions on behalf of the child to ensure her mental wellbeing etc. Sheesh!

[Wolpertinger]

The movies may not claim to be real but how at 3.5 and 5 are you supposed to tell the difference?

FFS, just say she's too young for a sleepover except at Granny's.

[Floggingmolly]

Don't even dream of sending your three year old on a sleepover!

[Trifleorbust]

Kill Bill?? Er no. Don't let her go.

[Westfacing]

Kill Bill ??? for 5 and 3.5 year-olds?

A sleepover is a bit of a social event - young friends having fun with supervised play/fun, and a 3.5 year-old is far too young for this even with a cousin, and especially with the flaky SIL.

Your DD staying overnight at grandma's is altogether different.

[yorkshapudding]

YANBU. I wouldn't let her go.

I would not leave my DC with anyone whose judgement I didn't trust. How can you trust the judgement of someone who lets a 5yo watch Kill Bill ??

[llangennith]

Tell SIL your DD is too young for sleepovers but DN is welcome at yours. Don't feel awkward or apologise. Don't dither or offer any timeframe when you think DD will be allowed to stay at SIL's, just say 'not at the moment'.

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

Thanks all, I agree it's different with grandmas and grandads than as a 'friends' sleepover. I just couldn't place why!

I've text SIL to tell her DD is too young really but DN is more than welcome at ours at the weekend - DH won't be working so can watch them!

Unfortunately she does let her watch all these movies as apparently DN is into scary stuff I don't really know what to do. BIL and her have a bad relationship and he'd only use this as a stick to beat her with so don't want to tell him but how do you tell a person that aspects of their parenting is a bit crap?