To be rethinking godmother choice?

[user1470064958]

Just looking for some advice really

Had made a friend godmother to DD before she was born last June. We had met through work and become very close, best friends really so it seemed fitting.

When DD was born godmother was straight around with gifts and cards and was just lovely ( she did post that she had visited on my Facebook page which caused some issues with family who hadn't but it was no big deal)

Anyway around DD turning 3 months I started to enquirer about going back to work where I had work previously for 2 years before baby, this then became a matter of maternity discrimination where they had no job for me to return to and that's where things got sticky...

The friend was very much of the whole I'm not taking sides route whilst clearly taking the side of the previous employer. Of course I never expected her to leave her job but quite honestly I did not need to hear all the gossip and day to day goings on when I had been left jobless. I found the whole situation incredibly stressful and upsetting and really needed some support.

Since all this DD was christened and although nothing was said it did start to flicker in my head that maybe this godmother thing was a mistake and family would be better. Clearly far to late to leave it we pressed on then at the christening do my mother and aunt were bickering (Italian family no big deal!!) and the friend loudly laughed and said she was just watching the "sideshow" of them rowing both my mother and aunt heard this and thought it was really rude.

Nothing was mentioned of this after as it was DDs special day and I wasn't going to let it be spoiled.

Now a few months later we have little contact going from talking on a daily basis maybe once every two weeks or so. As godmother she has never looked after DD and DD finds her unfamiliar if we do meet up.

The employment issue continues to escalate to the point legal advice was taken on my part.

The advice I need really is what to do now. Everytime we meet I have to hear all about the place I worked, she remains firm friends with the boss and his wife so I also feel there is a stream of communication on my business to them also.

I don't know whether to proceed being friends and say I don't want to hear about the company and want them knowing my business or call it quits, be polite but let the friendship fizzle out as it has been and forget DD has two godmothers?

[Ohyesiam]

I would ask that none of my business was passed on.
Then just see where it goes, although time you have to be relatively active on a friendship to keep it buoyant, unless you ate happy to just bump into each other, and take it from where you left off.

She seems quite insensitive, not seeing that her work is not a neutral topic for you.
Did you talk much about how you saw the role of gm? I only ask because I am gm and have never looked after my GS, it doesn't ever seen to have been required.

Sorry this is a bit bitty, I'm tired and can't order my thoughts.

[BackforGood]

Not sure that looking after your Godchild is written in the job description.

In terms of your employment / ex-employment situation, then it seems very sensible to say that, in light of the legal situation that is still on-going, I need to ask you not to say anything about me to anyone at work, and also for you not to tell me anything about work when you see me. I'm sure there are lots of nicer things we can talk about.

However, as you did decide to ask her to be Godmother, then that is the situation. You can't "sack her" from the role now.

Re the Christening - from what you have posted, it is your mother and Aunt who need to think about their behaviour, if their arguing was noticed by other people, not the person who noticed and commented on it.

[ThermoScan]

Friends can change when you have children and this friendship may have run the natural course.
I think you need to forget about this one.
What exactly do you expect from a godmother? I am GM to a couple of children and send Christmas & birthday presents,I live far away so that is the extent of my involvement.
If your child has another godparent and they are keeping contact,showing an interest,marking occasions with presents then that is probably enough for your child.
I never really knew my godparents,they were just for the christening ,but the modern idea that they are a kind of special auntie is lovely if it works out but in my view , not essential if it does not .

[scottishdiem]

What is the role of GM to you. Does she have the same perspective? People I know who have be GMs have not really done much until the child was mobile and then took them out, babysat, had them over for weekends etc. Three months in seems a little early for failed expectations in that regard.

I am 50/50 about the sideshow comment. To be honest its something I might have said about seeing people arguing on a day that wasnt about them.

However, the work thing I think she should have shown more support even if she didn't want to go against her employer. Being sympathetic, supportive and offering advice and displaying real concern are things you look for in a friendship, regardless of GM status. I think you need to set some ground rules, say its based on your legal advice, about she not talking about work and you not talking about work. See if you can get a wee spark around the baby instead. If that doesnt work for her, let it drop.

[semanwen]

Surely the commitment to raise ether child in the chosen faith is the most important attribute and role of a godmother?

Is she a communicant member of the church that you have chosen? (if communion is applicable)

I cant see why you would chose a godmother for any other reason? (note I am not religious). If you choose to baptise your child and so chose a godmother then it is surely all about the religion and nothing else.

What do you think the role of a godmother is?

[r0tringLover]

God mothers are to help indoctrinate children, hopefully blinding them to logic and science before they're old enough to drop religion like a hot potato.

In my family (nuclear and wider), uncles and aunties are godparents. They are good uncles and aunties but no different to non-god-parent relatives.

It was your family, not your friend who were behaving inappropriately. It sounds like something I'd have said to keep an awkward situation a bit lighter.

I suspect your friend is talking about work as that is what you had in common before the baby and, assuming she isn't a parent, doesn't know a lot about children.

[NoYouAreASnowflake]

I would be a bit worried about this. De God her and get someone more trust worthy?

[Only1scoop]

She was a workmate now just a mate....you chose her, there is nothing you can do. I'm God mother to two DC from those kind of friendships from years ago...,haven't seen them in years.

[Eminado]

rotring

"God mothers are to help indoctrinate children, hopefully blinding them to logic and science before they're old enough to drop religion like a hot potato. "


What a rude and innacurate comment.

[r0tringLover]

They'd just be better people if they weren't religious and the less religious they are, the worse they are.

That should have read, the less religious they are, the better they are, obviously.

[FrenchLavender]

It's done now, just let it go. you can't reverse the whole thing now.

You won't be the first person to pick a godparent that you subsequently hardly see and has little interaction with your child. I couldn't even tell you the names of mine!

It's not a big deal. Some people take it terribly seriously (lucky godchildren) and others less so, but I don't really think the children suffer for that, when they've got a perfectly adequate extended family around them.

I do think if you are going to pick friends as GPs you should pick people who have been in your life for such a very long time that you cannot imagine a time when they wouldn't be there. Too many friends come and go.

[picklemepopcorn]

You've got two separate issues here. Firstly, she is your child's godparent, there is no changing that. All that can change is the nature of that relationship, which at this age is about your relationship. So you need to decide what relationship you have with her. She doesn't sound to bad to me, especially if you can spell out a bit more how difficult it is for you about the work situation. Remember it's difficult for her too. Two of her friends, one of who is also her employer, are in litigation with each other. Tell her that you worry about what you say getting back to the old boss, and that hearing about work makes you stressed, so can we talk about other things, please?

[Stickaforkinimdone]

Basically what r0tring said-on point 👌🏻

[Phoebefromfriends]

What r0tring said....

Apparently I have godparents but would have to ring my parents to remind me who they were. Godparents don't mean the same as they used to so I wouldn't let that prevent you from moving away from this so called friend.

Your mum and aunt should be ashamed of how they behaved and you should be taking it up with them not anyone who laughed at the sideshow.

[SabineUndine]

My mum can't even remember who my brother's godparents were. I would quietly remove this woman from your life.

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

Clearly far to late to leave it we pressed on then at the christening do my mother and aunt were bickering (Italian family no big deal!!) and the friend loudly laughed and said she was just watching the "sideshow" of them rowing both my mother and aunt heard this and thought it was really rude

She wasn't rude, if your relatives choose to have a argument at a family event then -

1. they are the rude ones, and
   
2. They can't make a scene and complain whenever people watch. Their choice to argue in public.
   

The italian element - I come from an italian family and the loudness and over gesticulation is definitely a thing and often makes it look like there's a barney when there's not, however your friend may not know this from the outset.

I'll be honest OP - being godmother, unless you're all religious, means little more than a lovely gesture from parent to friend. I haven't seen my godparents in decades. Wouldn't know them if I passed them in the street. I think your expectations are too high.

I'm sorry about what happened to your job and if I were you I would absolutely be taking legal action against your employer. Maintain the friendship but do not discuss the legal action with your friend as TBH she's not coming across as 100% trustworthy. If she asks about it say you've been told not to discuss it. Good luck with everything!

[llangennith]

Just let the friendship (if that's what it was) fizzle out. You were work colleagues and now you're not. Your DD won't suffer from not having this person in her life.

[user1470064958]

Thank you for all the thoughts/ advice with regards the friendship I think some ground rules will need to be set regarding not discussing work and see if that helps the situation.

As godparent I was hoping for a close Aunty type bond with some religious guidence if required when DD is older. I think I would more hope DD was more familiar with her godmother but it is early and currently we are in a difficult situation

The mum Aunty is typical of my family but yes they did behave terribly,... they always do tbh

I don't know either of my godparents at all so I hope this isn't the same for my daughter.

[mygorgeousmilo]

Agree with r0tring
Your friend's job as a godparent is to guide them in the ways of, erm, Christianity, not babysit. People without kids are often not willing or able to make time to spend with babies and toddlers, to be fair. I would now, because I have kids myself, but pre-kid?? Not especially, if I'm being blunt. Pre-kid, I'd happily hang out with say perhaps a friend's six year old, but with very little ones, I wouldn't have know what to do. Your friend is being a dick about the work issue, though. If she's a close friend, and the boss has unfairly dismissed you - she's being an arsehole by being all matey with the boss and then telling you all about it. Re. Taking the mick out of your mum and auntie at the christening, i would absolutely do that to my close friends TBH. I think the fact that your family were 'rowing' on your child's special day, suggests that they are in the wrong, not your friend.

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

Also r0tring is spot on excellent post!

[quarkinstockcubes]

I don't know anyone in RL who isn't religious and not only appoints GP's for their dc, but frets over their (usual lack) of involvement and then wants to "sack" them. This seems to be a MN thing?

Anyway OP you need to separate the two issues. Your employment issue should not relate in any way to your dd's relationship with her GM.

Regarding the "sideshow" comment, it was a bit rude but I have forrin family members who would defy social norms at family occasions and I can I see that people are about it. Your Dm and DA were rude to argue/bicker publicly on your dd's day.

[Julju]

Dammit - wishing I'd copied and posted r0tring's since deleted post now! That was brilliant

[r0tringLover]

Thanks juju and others.

I have a copy of my post and can't for the life of me see what part of it meant it should be deleted.

Maybe MNHQ will comment.