To think my mate has forgotten where she comes from?(85 Posts)
Well not really where she comes from but where we still are?
Background, a group of us, 5, have been mates since school, now late thirties. We are all very close and regularly socialise together, nights out, weekends away, tea at each others houses. Financially we are all on the same level. Over the years all of us have been on benefits for short periods of time, worked, been unemployed, been SAHM and WOHM. Currently we are all 'comfortable' by that I mean bills are paid and theres a small amount left over for spends.
One of us, i'll call her Jane, came into an awful lot of money 4 years ago. Like lottery type money (she didn't win the lottery but the number is in the millions). A lot changed for her, she moved out of the area, quit working etc etc. But we all stayed mates, we still did the same things we've always done, she was still Jane but with a fuck load of money
Roll on a few years and Jane seems to start forgetting that whilst she now doesn't have to worry about money, we still do. So she suggests to go away on longer holidays, different places we would usually go, weekends at more up market spas etc. Mostly we explained that we couldn't do that and she was fine with it.
More recently though she seems to be forgetting/sulking that we can't do it. So lots of 'god its not that much money' 'cant you just save' 'what about if we book it early then you have longer to save up'. We've explained over and over that it doesn't matter how long we've got, you can't turn centre parcs money into Ritz money
But she seems to be pretending or genuinely has forgotten what its like to struggle for money. For example tonight we are going out for drinks as we do on a monthly basis. Mate 1 mentioned on group chat she didn't have much cash so wouldn't be out late/would be getting the bus in. Jane has text to say 'surprise girls, managed to get a table at x for cocktails, meet you all there at 8'. X is a cocktail bar/resturarant that we would usually go to for a big once a year celebration as its bloody expensive £14 cocktails and upwards. Mate 1 replied on group chat saying are you having a laugh I can't afford that, Jane said 'ofgs its not that much, come on it will be a laugh i'm bored of y place'
Its the constant requests to do stuff that she knows we can't afford. I get that shes , by her own admission, bored. But we still need to work and look after the kids and parents and pets etc. Its getting hard to know what to say other than 'you've completely forgotten where you come from pull your head out'!
Mate 1 has text me privately asking if she can borrow and extra £20, which is fine we all lend each other money occasionally, but she feels like crap about it.
Oh and details have been changed enough to not really be recongnisable, and none of them are on MN. However much I try to get them on here!
If jane is a millionaire and is upset that you can't afford to go these swanky places, why the fuck is jane not saying first few rounds on me!!!
She needs to move on independently and she's being unempathic. I think you should all say "actually we can afford x, this is where we are going; take it or leave it"
She needs to be sat down and told straight.
I came into a significant sum of money a few years ago and it definitely changes your perception of money and worth. But I always remember that what to me is a small sum, is a huge sum to many others.
Nobody should have to borrow money to keep up with one friend's expensive taste in socialising! If Jane is so rich and bored she'd offer to treat you all if she particularly wanted to go to a venue that is too expensive for the rest of you I'd have thought?
Perhaps the time has come to say it bluntly and if she's bored she either sucks it up or finds new friends to socialise with.
If she's sulking and making the rest if you feel bad about the posh cocktail bars then you need to tell her she's being a tit.
Just continue to say no cannot afford it, we are going to y place as arranged!
That's at the very least. You have been friends for donkeys years and she won't even shout a night out or even say lets go here for holidays. U pay what centerparcs would be and I'll put the extra so we can go to the ritz. Tight cow.
If she's demanding to go to places outwith your financial comfort zone, either she pays more or you don't go. She needs to understand that you can't just throw money about if it's not there. It must be tough for all of you.
Maybe you could tell her when you are all together? Explain you understand she wants to have fun and share these experiences with you and are pleased that she does as you all love her company but show how that relates to your budget e.g. I can reasonably save £x a month for holidays or going out
Is Jane is as rich as you say then she can pay if she wants you all to go to expensive places.
I wouldn't gang up on her but I would reply to all and say you either do big pricey meet ups rarely or you do affordable stuff more often. You'd prefer to see everyone more regularly but what do they all think?
You need to arrange private coffee with Jane and explain the problem straight out. She needs to understand how rude and inconsiderate she is being.
Also I would have replied on WhatsApp "no, we can't afford that the original plan stands".
I have considerably more disposable income than my best friends. I would never suggest something they couldn't afford or make them feel bad about it. Very inconsiderate.
Hmm, it was Janes DH who came into the money and so Jane too obviously, but I think she worries about spending 'his' money on other people. She has done on occasion but its very much 'don't tell DH I paid for this hahaha'
Re the bored thing, I mean she is bored in everyday life. We had a falling out for 3 months a few years back after an argument. Its the only time we've fallen out since we were kids. Mostly because she was phoning up and saying 'shall we go to x on wednesday' and I was saying you know I work that day etc' she was getting huffy. Then one day i'd had a spectacularly shit day at work and she turned up moaning how bored and depressed she was and I snapped that of course she was bored, she wasn't working, she had a cleaner and a gardener and a nanny what did she expect. It was wrong of me to say that to her and we made up in the end. But I mean she is bored in general and always looking to 'do stuff' whilst forgetting we have to work and look after kids.
Jane needs to be sat down and told some home truths. Trying to make her friends spend money they don't have is a mix of offensive, patronising and insulting.
"I get that shes , by her own admission, bored."
Then she needs to do something about that, and 'something' is not whining at her friends to spend all their going-out-money on keeping her amused. And I'd actually use those exact words to her - it might get through to her how incredibly self-absorbed she is being. If she is bored, then she needs something to do. Just because she doesn't need the income doesn't mean she doesn't need a job, and I think she should start looking.
I do genuinely feel for her. Shes moved to an area where she doesn't know anyone, she doesn't feel comfortable with people who have always had money, she doesn't like explaining why they have money suddenly. But she doesn't really fit here either anymore.
I can see why people say wining the lottery ruins your life! (although they didn't but same kind of thing)
Cross-posted with your last post OP. That she doesn't like to spend her husband's money just reinforces that she needs to have money 'of her own'. She needs to get a job.
It really would be ridiculous of her to get a job. But yes she needs to do something.
Its like that thing 'oh i'd never work again if I won the lottery' but then what do you do with your time?! Would be ok if you had other people to travel etc with but she doesn't. Her husband still works all the hours god sends, she has all the help domestically that she needs, I think i'd be depressed if I was her! Plus she only did minimum wage work beforehand. It really would be ridiculous of her to go back to that. I can't see her pulling up to a shift at greggs in her range rover!
Why would it be ridiculous of her? Lots of rich people work.
I think if you all sit down together and give her a talking to she'll feel attacked and go on the defensive. It won't end well. I would arrange to see her alone and talk it through with her. If she continues to be so inconsiderate after having it spelled out for her then I'd probably take a step back from the friendship to be honest.
Why would it be ridiculous?
I have friends who are millionaires (inherited wealth) they both took a 6 month sabbatical after they inherited the money and then both returned to work.
Why couldn't she find a job in the local library, be a TA at a local school, take a job in a local shop?
I know lots of women that work who don't have to.
Fuck I'd love to be Jane and be able to treat my friends to ritzy stuff. It'd be one of the great joys of becoming a millionaire I reckon, being able to share it around.
But it sounds like Janes DH is pretty protective of 'his' money, in which case it sounds like Jane should consider either getting a job, or maybe a divorce.
If I'd got lottery amounts of money I'd probably just offer to take my friends to the nice spa, if they didn't feel comfortable with that I'd just go somewhere cheaper. It's a chance to see your friends, surely she can go to a luxury spa a different time.
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