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To think DH should stop seeing this female "friend"

(517 Posts)
springycurls Sat 04-Mar-17 15:01:49

First time posting in AIBU, I really don't think I am but DH won't discuss it properly AT ALL

DH and I have been married for 6mo. I've known him 2 years. We're in our late 30s and met online. He was always open that he was looking for a serious relationship and our relationship is great. He can be a bit immature and there are things I'd like to change about him but overall I'm happy. He is in a very niche job working for the government that needs a lot of specific, high level qualifications (PhD as a minimum)- it can be very demanding and a lot of it he isn't allowed to talk about. (this is relevant!!)

He has this female "friend" who he met many years ago. She is in the same job but is 10 years younger and though he wasn't her manager he mentored her when she first started. They do seem to have a lot in common- DH has some quite strange interests that I think he's a bit old for TBH. They became friends and stayed in touch but there's always been something "off" about her. I've heard from friends who knew him before he met me that they used to go on "dates" e.g. for dinner or films even though she has a partner. That hasn't happened much recently. She's been with this partner a long time but they're not married so I'm dubious as to how serious she is about that.

Anyway I went through his FB messages and whatsapps and it seems like they message quite frequently- at least once every week. Sometimes she starts it, sometimes he does. Usually it's about some of these weird interests or sounding off about work- again the very specific stuff about their job that us "plebs" wouldn't understand - but I've noticed that she has a pet name for him that no one else uses and he uses a pet name for her. She sometimes ends her messages with xxx. They are due to be away for work in London in a couple of months. It's not required that they go as it's a seminar type thing, but I found a message from him asking if she was going and saying that he'd go if she does! She had replied saying thank god I'll have someone to sit next to, you're the only person I like out of all of them!!

She has in the past tagged him on facebook and it's always a bit inappropriate- like they both went to this comic book expo thing and she photographed him there with some models.

I have met her a few times and always felt she was actually a bit rude/cheeky to my DH- especially from someone so much younger who is in the same job and should be looking up to him. He says she's not rude it's just "we think the same way". I think she's a bit snooty as she seems to presume me and DH will have the same interests. We had her round for dinner once and it was awful! She's known DH's cat since it was a kitten so it loves her (cat hates me, I hate cats) and she made a bloody great fuss of it. She then wanted to talk politics which was a bit controversial as DH and I don't agree and she openly said she was shocked by that and not agreeing would be a "deal breaker" for her and her partner!
He wanted to invite her to our wedding but I said no. She sent us a card and a small gift anyway which I thought was quite passive aggressive!

I have tried to get him to talk about her but he just tells me to leave it and that there's nothing going on. I can't put my finger on it but it just doesn't seem right for him to have this sort of relationship. All his other female friends are our age, married and he's friendly with the husbands too. I've tried looking her up on facebook but her privacy settings are very strong so I can't even message her directly telling her to back off. I could get her number off DH phone but that seems a bit OTT

How can I get my DH to see this is a bit weird, and am I being unreasonable to think he should reduce his contact with her and keep it just professional? She's a young girl surely she should be making friends with people her own age anyway!

PastaPrincess Sat 04-Mar-17 15:05:07

YABU. You sound very jealous of his friendship and her in general.

Owlzes Sat 04-Mar-17 15:05:08

Is this a reverse?

OldGuard Sat 04-Mar-17 15:05:46

Not seeing it sorry

Mammylamb Sat 04-Mar-17 15:06:19

You went through his messages? You don't own your husband you know. You sound slightly unhinged in this OP

Bluntness100 Sat 04-Mar-17 15:06:40

You're behaving like your irrationally jealous. I mean seriously, she made a fuss of the cat??? She bought uou a gift and a card??? Have you read your post?

Sigh, you're being unreasonable. Your issue is 100 percent because she is a younger unmarried female. All day long. She's clearly just his mate.

fatmummy87 Sat 04-Mar-17 15:07:42

The only thing that might bother me is the pet names but that depends what they are. Other than that you sound very jealous, insecure and a bit mental tbh.

Bluntness100 Sat 04-Mar-17 15:08:29

And if you're late thirties and she's ten years younger, this makes her late twenties and in no ones world is that a "young girl".🙄🙄🙄

WorraLiberty Sat 04-Mar-17 15:08:34

I'm sorry but you're the one coming across as a bit weird here.

I think you need to take a deep breath and a step back.

MiddleClassProblem Sat 04-Mar-17 15:08:47

Sounds like a reverse.

Yabu. She sounds lovely.

PastysPrincess Sat 04-Mar-17 15:08:58

Sorry, I dont see anything wrong with what you've said about their friendship.

It actually sounds like you have a trust/jealousy issue to me. Their age difference shouldn't make any difference either.

Euripidesralph Sat 04-Mar-17 15:10:56

Erm I suspect that your behaviour may be the issue here I'm afraid.....the pet name thing is a little unusual but nothing else sounds odd

You however come across as condescending , judgemental and jealous.....might be worth having a think to be hobest

coldcanary Sat 04-Mar-17 15:11:06

What interests does he have that he's too young for? It reads like you have decided that you both should only have friends and interests of a certain age and should leave anything you deem too young behind, including her.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Sat 04-Mar-17 15:11:15

I think this is a reverse too.

In which case I'd love to hear the real side of the story from the friends wife.

WhooooAmI24601 Sat 04-Mar-17 15:11:56

I think if you're looking through his messages and WhatsApp's, you're entirely out of order. Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't the details don't matter. There's nothing left without trust.

TheZeppo Sat 04-Mar-17 15:12:14

I call reverse too.

Either that, or you don't actually seem to like your husband all that much confused

helpmeplease2045 Sat 04-Mar-17 15:12:29

Hmmm, I'm on the fence. Some things, like not inviting her to the wedding, seem a bit off to me if they have been friends for years. Also, describing her as a young girl, but if she's ten years younger does that just mean late 20s?
You snooped through his Facebook messages and WhatsApp messages and didn't find anything incriminating and I think her sending a card and wee gift to your wedding was nice on the surface.
However, it does seem like this is upsetting you a lot, do you feel secure in the relationship yourself? I know if I have ever gone off the deep end with paranoia in a relationship that it's been more to do with myself and past relationships (being cheated on etc). Is he talking to you about how you feel and reassuring you? He needs to understand your emotions and help you feel happy in the relationship if he can.
Maybe you could try to be a bit more open to joining in with his 'weird hobbies', maybe you would have fun at a comic con for example...and also if you gave her more of a chance you might be able to form a friendship with her too?
Sorry you feel this way though, been there and it's rotten xx

DenimChicken Sat 04-Mar-17 15:12:32

It's you that's in the wrong here. Very much so.

harderandharder2breathe Sat 04-Mar-17 15:12:40

Yabu and jealousy is making you unpleasant

It is absolutely not weird for him to have a friend. She has a partner of her own. Get a grip.

ivechangedmyname123 Sat 04-Mar-17 15:13:36

You sound like hard work ...

coldcanary Sat 04-Mar-17 15:13:54

oh and she's obviously not a young girl is she? Don't be so patronising.

WhooooAmI24601 Sat 04-Mar-17 15:14:07

Also, you refused to invite someone he cares for to your wedding then accuse her of being passive-aggressive for sending a card and gift. Do you not see how passive aggressive it is to deliberately omit someone he likes from your wedding invites?

witsender Sat 04-Mar-17 15:14:27


CaptainMarvelDanvers Sat 04-Mar-17 15:15:04


You sound very dismissive of your husband.

Miscella Sat 04-Mar-17 15:16:18

He wanted to invite a good friend to his wedding and you wouldn't let him? And then when she sends a card and present you think this is passive aggressive?

TBH you sound controlling and irrational.

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