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AIBU?

Death and FB

109 replies

Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 14:52

I don't think I am being unreasonable - if I am I obvs belong to another era.

OH grandparent died this morning. OH hadn't seen in years and is not really bothered (however harsh that may sound) his mum doesn't seem particularly upset either and already a lot of bitching about wills etc (OH not involved and not going to funeral for this reason).

None of the grandchildren close to him but have been rather over dramatic posts over the last few days tagging the whole family with lots of "love you Hun" posts as he lay dying but in reality there was an actual physical fight in the hospital by the death bed (we are hundreds of miles away).

This morning I woke up and scrolled through my FB to see that he has in fact passed away - OH then checks his phone and has a text from his DSIS telling him.

Thing is the post went on FB about 5 mins after the poor chap died closely followed by other posts almost trying to "beat" each other and get in there first the post has about 200 comments now to which SIL has commented on then all so clearly glued to FB while supposedly "grieving"

This would have been incredibly upsetting for OH to find out like this if he had been close and I just wonder WTAF is wrong with people that they need to use death on FB to attention seek like this.

It's just all a bit - uncouth?

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SisterMoonshine · 04/03/2017 14:57

I think it would work out ok. If your DH was truly grieving so,as you say, wouldn't be on Facebook - he wouldn't be on FB to find out that way.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 04/03/2017 14:58

Wtf is wrong with people is correct. It is attention seeking and making it all About them.

greenthings · 04/03/2017 14:58

I think you are right OP.

One of the things I don't like about social media.

Its a very "cold" way to find out about someone's death .

topcat2014 · 04/03/2017 14:58

Very - but then, each to their own.

Mind you, I find writing in 'sympathy' cards awkward, so what do I know?

BreatheDeep · 04/03/2017 14:59

I hate this stuff on Facebook. I completely agree with you.

helpmeplease2045 · 04/03/2017 15:00

I'm with you in that I find it creepy and would say you are NBU, but I'd probably just let it go. People are different and some use social media in this way. Not worth being annoyed about IMO.

Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 15:00

I never send "sympathy" cards I always send a blank card with a nice photo on it.

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Pineappletastic · 04/03/2017 15:02

I find overt public Facebook grief a little uncouth no matter what.

When DHs grandad a relative of his (who was only related to the deceased my marriage) posted on Facebook about it and got all the 'so sorry for your loss' messages. It doesn't feel right to me.

DH also has a relative that in the last year on their FB managed to break the new of our baby's birth before we'd told any of my family (like, before my placenta was delivered), and outed another relative's pregnancy before she'd finished telling her family.

LadyTmalia · 04/03/2017 15:03

I found out about one of my grandfathers death this way, its sick and people who do that kind of thing are revolting.

When my other grandfather died, I knew straight away, but was too busy grieving to prat about on facebook. Many days later on, when all the family had been told I put up a post to people who I may not be in close contact with, who would have liked to know.

Its a scary world we are going in to/

Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 15:05

My friends 13 yr old son died of cancer a few years back very sadly - within 15 mins of him taking his last breath his Auntie posted it on FB - without asking my friend if it was ok.

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Frazzled2207 · 04/03/2017 15:08

Very distasteful imo.
Obviously different circumstances but have also found it a bit to hear on facebook that so and so has gone into labour then have a running commentary on progress of baby(or lack of).

Derlei · 04/03/2017 15:11

OP I would be completely furious if I was your friend and the auntie had done that

Completely the opposite end of the spectrum but I can't stand when someone's had a baby and a relative creates a status announcing it, tagging the parents effectively announcing it to the world but she's even been stitched up. Complete attention seekers!

EB123 · 04/03/2017 15:12

I also hate this type of thing. There was a death in my own family which I found out from via fb before the persons own children had all been made aware.

EB123 · 04/03/2017 15:12

Found out about* not from

Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 15:13

Derlei she was furious but I guess at the time the worst thing in the world had already happened so ..

I wonder if it's (with babies etc) to do with people wanting to look the "closest" or to be seen to have the most "inside knowledge"

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Earthmoon · 04/03/2017 15:15

Everyone grieves differently and FB might be seem by some as the quickest and easiest way to tell as many people as possible. However, I still think calling or seeing the clostest people face to face is the gentlest way to give such news.

Clickncollect · 04/03/2017 15:18

I agree with you OP - it is attention seeking and people making the situation all about them.
My dad died a couple of months ago cue my aunt and various cousins all posting RIP Brother / uncle on Facebook blah blah yet my dad's health has not been great for years and not one of those fuckers visited him in 7 years yet they lived in the same town less than 2 miles away!
Some of them even brought friends to the funeral for 'support for them'

Notso · 04/03/2017 15:18

While the family sound a bit odd. I find the comment
This would have been incredibly upsetting for OH to find out like this if he had been close... pointless. He wasn't close and wasn't upset.
Presumably the family know this so does it really matter if they want to behave like loons on Facebook, unfollow them or block them.

moreslackthanslick · 04/03/2017 15:19

A cousin of mine found out re my father's death recently and immediately posted it on FB how sad she was (hadn't seen him in nearly 4 years) -her own fucking daughters found out that way as did several other relatives.

TryAnotherUsername · 04/03/2017 15:21

This happened to my husband!

His grandfather had been in Hospital for weeks, mil let us know one night that doctors didn't think he had long. DH went to bed, got up the next morning and got to work for 5am, noticed missed calls from his mum but too early to call her back. Checked fb while having a coffee and his cousin had posted that grandfather had died. DH was so so upset as they were close but thought maybe he had a couple of more days.

Turns out cousin was there when grandfather died and updated his status five minutes after death.

Bloody disgusting!!!

SerialCerealKiller · 04/03/2017 15:22

The situation you speak about isn't very nice, but I don't see anything wrong with announcing/talking about death on fb.
When my mum died I put a couple of posts on about it and tbh I enjoyed getting a little bit of attention and good advice from friends on it. It was nice to read comforting words and feel loved.

ElectricMelon · 04/03/2017 15:23

I posted on Facebook when my mum died in October. For me I guess it was a way to reach out to people for comfort? I don't know but it wasn't for 'likes'. It was also to let other (less important people) know who didn't need to be personally informed.

I do get what you mean though as my cousins are really bad for it. Anyone who dies one of them will post a big sad status but will have hardly had anything to do with the deceased. Then the other one will post one and it's like they are trying to compete for how much sympathy they get.

My mum's old neighbour from twenty years ago and her daughter wrote a big essay about her on Facebook and how they couldn't stop crying - cue loads of randoms giving their condolences to them. They were lapping it all up. My mum couldn't stand them and hadn't spoke to her for years and neither of them went to the funeral though despite being so distraught

TryAnotherUsername · 04/03/2017 15:24

Also (sorry this makes me rage)

Why do people update their status and tag the deceased in it?? I find it so disrespectful. Ok they are grieving but can't they just think of the family? What if some still don't know and find out from some random friend??

HappyFlappy · 04/03/2017 15:29

My friends' son took his own life. The news was put on FB by the "friends" who found him even before the police had had a chance to inform his parents.

Fortunately neither parent uses FB, but his brothers and other family do - what if that had been how this awful news was broken to them?

Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 15:33

The family are very odd

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