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Please tell me if I AiBU here for being angry at DH

(226 Posts)
SuperTrumper Sat 04-Mar-17 00:33:26

I've just come back from a night out; first one in 3 months.

Anyway I put 9mth old DS to sleep before I left at 7.30. At about 9pm I get a flurry of texts from DH about how DS has woken up crying, he won't settle, he doesn't know what to do, he won't go back to sleep etc. I immediately try to ring him, he doesn't answer, I figure it's because he is trying to getting him back to sleep. I text him to say that if he won't get back to sleep, just take him downstairs, dim the lights, read him a story or softly talk to him, and then when you see him visibly showing signs of tiredness, take him up and try again.
I get a text shortly after to say that the "panic is over" and that he's asleep.

I begin to relax a bit and enjoy the rest of my night before coming home at 11.
As soon as I walked through the door, DH greeted me and said "I'm sorry, but he wouldn't go back to sleep so I let him cry in his cot until he fell asleep"
He knows I am totally against the crying out method so to hear him say that, I could feel myself getting really upset. I asked him how long he left him crying for and he said 10 minutes. 2 of those minutes were apparently screams and then the other 8 minutes were whimpering until he fell asleep.
I was absolutely livid. He couldn't handle him crying for longer than 5 minutes so put him in the cot and let my poor baby cry himself to sleep. I'm sat here in tears.

Please can you tell me if I am BU to be upset. I know that he's not going to be damaged by this but it still upsets me to know that he cried and that my DH never attended to him, and that also DH knew I am so against crying it out, so why would he go against my wishes

gamerwidow Sat 04-Mar-17 00:38:25

I think you are over reacting 10 minutes is nothing it would be different if he'd cried for hours and your DH had ignored him. I know it's upsetting to think of your baby being uncomforted but really 10 minutes doesn't even qualify as crying it out it's just normal settling down fussiness.

SuperTrumper Sat 04-Mar-17 00:41:25

Ok. And thank you. I do actually want to be told that I am over reacting, that would make me feel so much better. Maybe I will sleep on it and by the morning when he wakes up smiling I will have forgotten

oneohfivethreeeight Sat 04-Mar-17 00:43:41

"Crying out" lasts a lot longer than 10 minutes, I think you are overreacting a little bit TBH.

Jenny70 Sat 04-Mar-17 00:45:45

I would be upset, upset that my DH was so hopeless to text me and then resort to that without having tried much else (did he take baby downstairs etc).

I think put the upset aside, in the morning, or next day, have a calm conversation about parenting, are you both on same page - crying to sleep isn't something you are comfortable with, the strategies you use are ABC, and failing that get him up and play/read/watch TV/have a bath.

I hate to say at 9pm, it sounds like DH's evening relaxation was being interrupted, rather than an actual crisis of worrying baby was OK. At 2am, things seem less clear and frustration sets in more quickly.

Sounds like he needs a lot more hands on practice. Baby is 9 months, not 9 weeks, he should have been able to do the basics, change nappy, offer food/milk, walk around with baby, read to baby, get baby up to play etc etc. How many of these did he try before texting you?

scottishdiem Sat 04-Mar-17 00:45:48

He knows I am totally against the crying out method
so why would he go against my wishes

Ah. So you are the only one who gets to parent the baby then. Tonight your DH was not a parent looking after their child. They were a babysitter.

Which isnt really the best way to view your DH is it?

I'm sat here in tears.

Really? Are you sure you are ready to go out if that is a reaction to things not going 100% how you want them. How are you going to react when the child gets a bruise at nursery or something like that?

PollytheDolly Sat 04-Mar-17 00:47:08

Yeah you're overreacting but understandable. No harm done. Hope you enjoyed your evening x

Moanyoldcow Sat 04-Mar-17 00:58:43

I don't think you are over reacting at all actually. I'd have felt the same and if you'd both agreed you won't allow your child to cry themselves to sleep he shouldn't have done it without you being there.

SuperTrumper Sat 04-Mar-17 01:00:44

Jenny He didn't take him downstairs like I'd suggested, he said that he rocked him the way I showed him to, that didn't work so he put him into our bed and laid with him but that didn't work, and then I dont think he tried anything else.

I try to get him to have hands on practice, he always says he's tired from work and that he'll get more involved when DS "is a bit older" a honestly it pisses me off how he doesn't want to do more but I am fed up of saying it now, so scottish I make the rules about he is parented as basically, I am doing 90% of the parenting. And yes I have tried to involve him in these discussions but as he knows I'm the one who has done the research and read the articles , he says that he trusts me to make the decisions and he will follow my guidance. That is why I'm upset. He didn't let him cry because he's a strong advocate of the crying out method, I feel he did it because he thought he'd exhausted all options when he clearly hadn't.

BottomlyP0tts Sat 04-Mar-17 01:02:54

I would talk to DH about how he has got this! Boost his confidence so that he doesn't need to send you a flurry of texts etc.

Then calmly at another time just say oh if he cries longer than 10minutes - pick him up.

Basically do all you can to make sure DH feels like a parent and not a babysitter.

10 minutes is nothing but I would have felt sad too..

kali110 Sat 04-Mar-17 01:04:42

Agree with scottishdiem, though bad that your dp is struggling to look after him on his own.
Is This the first time? Has he never looked after him alone before?
You are overreacting though, it was 10 minutes, not 10 hours.
sounds like a good thing, baby settled himself to sleep.
If your dp had left him for an hour then yanbu.
Think your dp needs more time on his own to get his confidence up.
He needs to be able to look after him without needing to ring you.

BottomlyP0tts Sat 04-Mar-17 01:05:42

Also - DH took a long time to adjust every time one of our babies was born. However he pretty much takes over once they get to 2!

I'm not saying he shouldn't be involved - he should and you are clearly not comfortable with how much you do vs him but just leave him to it. You are going to take a shower/go to the movies etc and he is going to be with DS

SuperTrumper Sat 04-Mar-17 01:06:43

Thank you, and yes I will do that. Honestly, I have tried to help him act like a parent. I always try to involve him in things but he just doesn't seem to be as interested and then wonders why he doesn't have as good of a bond as I do.
Even tonight he said "shall I get MiL and SiLs round to help me" - I said "No!!" Because I want him to be a parent rather than just fob him off onto his family while he sits there watching tv!

ExplodedCloud Sat 04-Mar-17 01:11:48

I agree that you're over reacting about the actual crying. But I think you need to address your dp's reaction.
I have a friend who has every night out ruined by a DP who can't cope with this sort of thing. She drives every time, never relaxes etc.

rainandsnow Sat 04-Mar-17 01:23:28

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I'd feel the same as you

kali110 Sat 04-Mar-17 01:27:06

Maybe the reason he isn't bothering is because he isn't confident

scottishdiem Sat 04-Mar-17 01:32:32

I make the rules about he is parented as basically, I am doing 90% of the parenting.

Well that needs addressed. Its either too much on you or has become I make the rules so I'm doing the parenting.

And yes I have tried to involve him in these discussions but as he knows I'm the one who has done the research and read the articles , he says that he trusts me to make the decisions and he will follow my guidance.

In which case you will know that tonight your DH did not move the baby to the crying out method. Its a lot more complicated than letting a baby cry for a few mins (although I am impressed at parents who are still alive after 9 months of getting up the absolute second that the baby makes a noise). Deferring to a decision maker isnt necessarily proactive involvement in parenting though.

I feel he did it because he thought he'd exhausted all options when he clearly hadn't

Make him get up at night and learn all of the techniques. Doubtful that he has mastered them all given what you have said.

But he needs to be more involved - you both need to make some changes. He needs to be far more proactive in both decisions about the baby and the caring of it and you need to be clear that he isnt just letting you do what you want to do for a quiet life. Sometimes it does take effort to get past a barrier to force someone to be clearer about their opinions, ideas and aspirations.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 04-Mar-17 01:45:11

YANBU OP. Lazy DH took the easy way out because he was being selfish and lazy. You had an agreement, you told him what to do and he did something different that upset both you and your DS. And now you have the added stress that if you go out again he won't take care of your child properly. You have every right to be upset.

BeIIatrix Sat 04-Mar-17 01:49:48

I cant believe he kept texting you whilst you were on a night out, you only went out for four hours!

ScarlettFreestone Sat 04-Mar-17 01:51:31

Your DH needs to be doing the settling down several times a week so that he gets better at it.

There is absolutely no reason for women to be better at this stuff than men. It's just practice.

He needs to man up and start behaving like a father. Bollocks to "I'm too tired".

Madwoman5 Sat 04-Mar-17 02:06:48

Let him find his own way to settle your wee one. You had to. Don't answer the phone when you are having a night out and give him a way out. His way is going to be different from yours and you should not worry about it. As to choosing at what point in your child's life he decides to parent, don't get me started. We are always tired after a day's work but you both chose to have kids, you can't shut off because you are tired so why is that acceptable? That is not how it works I am afraid. Keep taking time out for you. Let him handle parenting his way at these times otherwise he will never learn.

Happyfeet1972 Sat 04-Mar-17 02:30:21

I'd be absolutely furious OP...But over the flurry of texts more than anything else. You need to address this now else you'll be chained to the baby forever more if your incompetent DP can't even manage 90 minutes without needing to interrupt your very rare night out.

I wonder how many times you have sent him a flurry of texts about how to settle your baby. I'm guessing none.

haveacupoftea Sat 04-Mar-17 02:40:06

YANBU to be a bit pissed off but you are over reacting about the crying. Tell DH to stop being such a useless lump.

SuperTrumper Sat 04-Mar-17 08:16:39

Having slept on it, and waking up to see DS' smiling face, I'm feeling much better. DH has apologised for last night but still insists that he tried all avenues, I've told him that I completely disagree but appreciate that maybe he didn't fully know how to handle the situation as I don't think DS has ever woken up crying his eyes out.

We have agreed that he will start the bath, bedtime and night routine with me on certain days as he also thinks the reason DS started crying was because when his dummy fell out and DH went to put it back in, DS was expecting to see me but got startled by seeing DH

I have another night out in a fortnight and he knows there can't be a repeat. He has apologised for texting and said he instantly regretted it hmm.

Thank you for your input and for the reality check flowers

ShowMePotatoSalad Sat 04-Mar-17 08:43:02

Wow, your DS cries for 2 minutes before starting to settle, and you're angry at DH? To he honest I think that suggests that you make the rules and he is effectively being sidelined as a parent. It makes total sense to me that he lacks confidence and felt he had to text you.

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