AIBU to be angry at nursery for this....

[loveithateitmum]

Before I start I know that when anyone criticises your child the lioness in you can come out but I feel that the comments I received from my son's nursery were unhelpful and insensitive.

Bit a background. My son is 2.5 yr old and has been at this nursery since 10 months old. 3 weeks ago he moved up to the oldest room (2.5 yr old - 3/4 yr olds). My DD went to the same nursery but they didn't move up until they were 3yr old, so were potty trained, able to talk more and had greater concentration. I was a little apprehensive as I didn't think he was ready but I was assured that this was the new policy and lots of the 2.5yr olds had gone up with no problem.

Anyway 2 weeks ago the staff said they were having some problems with DS sleeping and eating. He was screaming and disturbing the other children. He also runs around, distracting other children and leading them astray.

At each pick up I would speak to the staff or manager and try to work out what to do, while working together for a solution. My main concern was that DS should sleep otherwise his behaviour is awful.

Today I pick him up and the first thing the staff member says is 'DS has had an awful day' running and screaming. My heart sank. When he does this at home we ignore because giving it any attention fans the flames and he does it more knowing it will get a reaction. The best thing is to engage him in an activity and distract. I said as much.

We then said goodbye and see you on Monday where the staff member then made it quite clear that he wasn't looking forward to it. Surely this is part of working in a nursery that you have to deal with challenging behaviour. I now feel very uncomfortable leaving my child somewhere that is not wanted. I am going to email the manger for a meeting and will not taking him back until this is resolved or we leave.

Am I being over sensitive and unreasonable? I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees. Also I'm not a mum who excuses my children's behaviour and will let them know when they are being badly behaved but I feel he is a spirited 2.5 yr old boy???

[IamFriedSpam]

YANBU how horrible. I don't doubt that teachers and nursery workers don't sometimes think "god I can't be bothered to go to work" but it's very unprofessional to express that they're not looking forward to seeing a particular child. It sounds like your DS just isn't ready for this room, why can't they keep him in the lower room until he's a little more mature?

[DrinksFewAndPeopleMany]

YABU referring to an 'inner lioness'
But maybe see if they'll move him back to the old room?

[Chaby]

I sympathise with you OP. Having similar conversations with my sons nursery, he is only just 3 and has moved up to preschool, getting daily feedback that he doesn't always listen (it's a noisy environment and he tends to get engrossed in what he is doing) or is running when he should be walking. Not sure what they want me to do, he is 3 and full of energy! Don't know what the answer is, I am sure it would be easier for nursery staff if everyone walked nicely and listened nicely, but surely not many kids that age can consistently do that?

[loveithateitmum]

Not quite sure what you mean Drinks. I just meant that I know that my protective feelings towards my children can mean that I don't look at situations objectively. That is why I'm asking for advise.

I don't think he go back because the children in the younger room are all a lot smaller/younger etc. I will investigate whether he can go back but still not comfortable with him being there at all really....

[loveithateitmum]

Exactly Chaby. I'm not sure what I can do as he doesn't comprehend a lot instructions yet. I think that surely they would have anticipated this when they lowered the age of children going up

[TeaBelle]

How did they make it clear that they aren't looking forward to Monday? I think there's a huge difference between a mutual, 'weekends are so short, wouldn't a few more days off be great’ type expression/comment, and 'seeing you on Monday is just too soon for me child x'.

If your child is constantly struggling to follow rules and boundaries i understand that it must be very wearing

[insancerre]

Yanbu
I'm a nursery manager and I want every child in my nursery to feel wanted and included and I also want each parent to feel their child is the bees knees
When children misbehaviour I always look first at the environment for that child as behaviour is often a reaction to the physical or emotional environment i.e. it's us not them

I think you need to meet with the manager and lay it on thick why you are unhappy
Even if your child was Damian the omen the staff should still make you feel that they actually like him

[loveithateitmum]

TeaBelle Yes I can imagine that it is exhausting but not surprising for toddlers. The staff member said 'oh yes, he's in on Monday's' Rolls eyes and huffs

[insancerre]

Totally unprofessional!

[isadoradancing123]

The children in the other room may be a lot younger, but in the room where has been moved to, they are a lot older and he cannot be expected to behave like a 3 or 4 year old

[loveithateitmum]

Thank you insancerre. I wish you were the manger at our nursery!!!

[DrinksFewAndPeopleMany]

loveit I just think it's really twee. Maybe IABU!

[loveithateitmum]

Isadoradancing - Exactly what I think too. He seems to be in an in between phase which they are not providing the right environment for.

[TeaBelle]

The comment was unreasonable. Asking your D's to adhere to boundaries isn't - I would.punish dd if she didn't Dona's asked first time

[loveithateitmum]

Drinks - Its just how I visualise it. YANBU

[SuperRainbows]

It's ridiculous moving children up when they reach a certain age, instead of when they are ready.
Children develop at different paces. They seem to be expecting too much of him and he is reacting by running around.

[Cel982]

I would.punish dd if she didn't Dona's asked first time

At two-and-a-half?

[TeaBelle]

Yup (and sorry for the terrible spelling). Generally I only ask her to do things that are reasonably essential, we have a lot of free play, but she knows when i ask, i mean business.

[LucklessMonster]

I feel the same as you about the inner lioness, Drinks!

But anyway, this: The staff member said 'oh yes, he's in on Monday's' Rolls eyes and huffs is really not okay. I would be talking to the manager about it. Not sure I'd keep him out of nursery, but it doesn't sound like it's going to be a problem for you with work or whatever?

[loveithateitmum]

TeaBelle I get what you're saying and my DD responded well doing that but my sons reacts very differently and almost see's threats of punishment as a challenge

[rightsofwomen]

Challenging behaviour issues aside, I'd like to ask nursery staff to tell parents at least one nice thing their child did in the day before launching into the negative.

It's just so depressing to work all day, be excited to see your child only to be met with negativity. Ok, if it's true the child has been playing up ALL DAY then there is little else to say (though I would question the care), but please try and find just one positive thing.

[BackforGood]

There is a reason that the ratio for 2 yr olds is 1:4 while the ratio for 3 yr olds is 1:8.
It is ridiculous to be expecting a 2.5 yr old to be behaving the same as dc who could be 4.5 by now. They are creating their own problems.
I'm not one to jump on a member of staff because - after what could have been a really bad day for them on top of them coping with difficulties in their own lives or anything we don't know about - they make a less than tactful comment, but I think an appointment needs to be made with the manager to ask what provision they are making for 2 yr olds in a pre-school room.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

I would punish dd. If she didn't do as asked first time.

Fuckin hell. There's always someone with a Saint. .

YANBU. Yes you're right you do go into lioness mode. When you're child is criticised. Especially when its all the time. Its only natural.

[Goldmandra]

2.5 year olds respond to the immediate environment. If his behaviour has deteriorated, he is not happy in that environment and they need to change something about the people/ethos/physical space to help him to feel more settled and comfortable.

It is the adults looking after him who are responsible for his well-being and they should be saying things along the lines of "He found it difficult to sit for the story so he came out and played with Maria in the garden" or "He found it hard to share the cars so Jo sat with him to support him and model sharing." They should be telling you about what he has struggled with and what they have put in place to support him.

If they are just going to blame him and you, his behaviour is likely to deteriorate further as he becomes less and less happy in that setting.

[BottomlyP0tts]

This is all so bizarre to me - he is 2.5 of course he isn't going to be listening well and running around. I would be really disheartened by this and would consider asking for him to be moved down or look at a nursery that has a more realistic idea of what 2.5 year olds can be like.

Yes I know some kids can be hard work, when I was working at our Montessori nursery the 2-3 year olds were given A LOT more leniency than the 4 year olds. Eg if it's circle time would have an adult next to them or a toy to play with, loads of opportunities to run around etc.