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To be upset that the male friend I secretly love is moving away

(144 Posts)
30somethingellla Fri 03-Mar-17 17:57:34

I've known him years but only became friendly with him 7 months ago when I made a new friend and she introduced him to me.

Weve got on really well and I think there's some chemistry. Our friends do joke that he's attracted to me but he's made no moves. We have so much in common, laugh and talk for hours.

Now he's told us all that he's moving to the south of England for further study. At the moment we live in a tight knit community and we see each other at least twice a week.

I'm almost 30 and I feel an absolute idiot for being upset about this. I'm not 14 ffs!!!

I'm asking this in AIBU as I want genuine and honest answers.

I'm being pathetic aren't I?

I just feel really sad. I'm completely in love with him. Never expected to feel this way at my age. I can't ask him out as if I've mistaken his intentions the repercussions would mean I'd probably have to leave the friendship group or at least things would never ever be the same again. I value these friends too much to lose them. I had always hoped there might be a 'moment'over a few drinks 😂

He will be back for holidays etc but it's not the same.

Go on, tell me to get a grip. I'm okay to be told that. AIBU?

Whatsername17 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:00:39

Yanbu. You can't help how you feel.

SoberSusan Fri 03-Mar-17 18:02:49

If he's leaving anyway, tell him how you feel?

pandarific Fri 03-Mar-17 18:03:12

Hang on though, if he's moving away, then if you declared your feelings and they weren't reciprocated then he'd be moving away soon and you wouldn't need to lose the group?

And anyway, a gentleman never tells - presumably he's a nice person and even if he didn't feel the same way he wouldn't tell everyone else that you'd made a move? And and! If he's a nice guy he would just pretend it had never happened when you're all in a big group together, so even if he's not interested it shouldn't have bad repercussions, right?

Say something OP! Make your feelings known - better to try rather than never know. It sounds promising if your friends have said he likes you!

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 03-Mar-17 18:03:24

the heart wants what the heart wants, you know what you have nothing to lose to make a move before you goes away?

so if you make a move, and he says NO you know - and you don't have to see him for a while

if he says yes, but I cant do this as I am going away- then you know he likes you

and if he says yes and you have a fling, then who knows?

30somethingellla Fri 03-Mar-17 18:04:21

He will be back. His family love here and we're a close group of friends. He'd have made a move if he'd wanted me anyway.

I've never expected anything to happen. Always felt while he found me physically attractive he wasn't interested in a relationship.

But now he's going there's no chance, while before there was always the possibility.

ScrapThatThen Fri 03-Mar-17 18:04:34

Have a passionate fling with him before he leaves

Newtothis2017 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:04:37

Ask him out. If he is leaving you have nothing to lose and your friends shouldn't dump you over it. Go for it😉

mewkins Fri 03-Mar-17 18:05:15

Tell him. It's time. And what happens, happens.

sonjadog Fri 03-Mar-17 18:07:33

I think you should tell him how much you will miss him and that you have feelings for him. I know that is scary and the immediate reaction to that is "no way". But what do you have to lose? You say you are worried that things won´t be the same, but they won´t be the same anyway as he won´t be there. Why would you have to leave your friendship group? Surely all adults know that people gain feelings for others and some times they are reciprocated and sometimes not. It isn´t something you have to be ashamed of or that they will ostracize you for. Even if it is a bit awkward, it will pass soon enough. On the other hand, by talking to him about this, you may find out he feels the same, or if not, you will at least know that you didn´t let the chance for something great pass by.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu Fri 03-Mar-17 18:08:26

Honestly, if he really liked you, he would have asked you out by now. Sorry.

30somethingellla Fri 03-Mar-17 18:08:57

I'm not telling him. Not ever.

I'm just going to move on. But I'm just stupidly sad.

NotTheBelleoftheBall Fri 03-Mar-17 18:09:40

Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

.... and then report back, I'll settle myself in for a mushy love story... cakebrew

DelphiniumBlue Fri 03-Mar-17 18:10:16

You might find that if you visit him ( as a "friend") once he has moved, that things move on when you are away from the group.

30somethingellla Fri 03-Mar-17 18:10:21

joey very likely. I agree.

It's old fashioned but the huge majority of men ask a woman out if they're interested.

He does invite me out all the time, just us two. But nothing romantic happens. He also very shy, I'm not shy but he makes me shy!

OutnumberedbyFurchesters Fri 03-Mar-17 18:13:12

I agree you need to say something. Tell him that you'll miss him, allude to the facts of how you feel even if you dont out and out say it. See how it goes. Will you regret it if he goes and you never say anything? Will it always be a wonder in your brain?

Also you say if he wanted you, he would've made a move before now... he may feel the same about you and be worrying too! Dont let it pass! smile

sonjadog Fri 03-Mar-17 18:13:58

Could you not text him? I could never get the nerve up to tell anyone how I feel face to face, but I find I can be a little braver on text.

30somethingellla Fri 03-Mar-17 18:15:15

I'm not planning to tell him. His friendship
Means too much to me.

Just trying to put my feelings to one side.

I've been trying to not get feelings since I met him. It's hard. :-(

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess Fri 03-Mar-17 18:20:09

Men can be shy too! Please say something! Little note? Text? Come on, Mumsnetters, help us out here! What's the worst that can happen? He says no, you feel a bit crap for a few days BUT you also know you have learned how to take a chance in life, that you can do it again, and that can NEVER be a bad thing.

theothercatpurred Fri 03-Mar-17 18:20:28

Hold on a minute ... he invites you our, he's shy and nothing happens?

How do you know he doesn't think you're not interested/

MatildaTheCat Fri 03-Mar-17 18:21:52

What about a text which could open the door but not reveal too much of your feelings.

' Really sad to hear you are moving, I've loved getting to know you better in the last few months. Let me know if you fancy a farewell drink?'

Honestly, you've nothing to lose and it's rubbish that men have to ask women. Sometimes they are either too shy or too blind to see the bleeding obvious.grin

OutnumberedbyFurchesters Fri 03-Mar-17 18:22:22

If he's shy it won't be something that comes easy to him to ask you out!

I knew my DH for 2 years at college, he then moved away for uni. We spoke everyday, visited as friends, met up, shared secrets and special moments for the next 3 years! Even gave advice on each others love life and he thought I wasn't fussed!! I loved him since I saw him at college...

He finally got the courage and we never looked back! smile

Booksandmags79 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:23:56

You like him and you've not said anything! So he could be thinking, well I've asked her to come out with me on my own and she's not given me any hint so perhaps it's just friends then. You said yourself he's shy. I know it's terrifying, there's many good reasons why you should keep quiet, but I can't help hoping you have a sod it moment and go for it. Imagine how wonderful it would be to find he felt the same? And he might!
The bravest thing I ever did was text my husband with how much I liked him. I felt physically sick afterwards and turned my phone off for a good while. But it did work out and we've been very happily together since. We were also in a friends group and it was risky, but I couldn't help feel I'd regret at least not trying.
What about just saying in a text how you were thinking how much you'll miss him and how much you love spending time with him and see from there?
He (she) who dares wins! Go for it x
Ps let us know how it goes if you do!

ClopySow Fri 03-Mar-17 18:24:32

Tell him.

TeaCake5 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:27:27

Don't say something and spend the rest of your life thinking "what if". Tell him how you feel maybe not that you love him! But give it a go.

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