AIBU or is she?

[Songbirdthatsings]

Hi all,

So a really odd, and random one for me but being made to feel like i'm slightly crazy.

So a close friend of mine whom i've known some years has fallen out with me big style because i've had to bail her out to pay her bills on multiple occasions, and this last time i've refused!

I told her very politely that even though she knows I will help her out where I can that she cannot expect me to bail her out every time she is short on funds, with little notice, and needs to plan her own finances better.

She's had a total melt down, gone around and told all our other friends that i'm a bad friend and that i've pushed her away. I tried to politely tell her that as a friend I wouldn't put her in the same position she has put me in month on end when i'm not exactly rich myself.

She is now completely refusing to speak to me, and a couple of friends have basically said that I should have just carried on doing it to keep her happy!!

Don't get me wrong she does pay me back... Eventually... However I didn't think I was being unreasonable to ask her, as an adult with her own family, to keep her own finances under control and not to use me as a bank when she is short? I was so set that I was right until other friends said that I should basically just accept it and help her...

So.... AIBU?

[ImperialBlether]

Why don't the other friends help her out, then?

[MrsJaniceBattersby]

do these other friends help her , I doubt it
she needs to take responsibility for her money and grow up
YANBU

[ChuckDaffodils]

If she was a friend and not a user, then she would not be spreading this horse shite. So what - let her get on with it. True colours and all that.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

YANBU. I had a friend who's only contact with me became a monthly request to borrow money. As soon as I said no after several months, she's not contacted me again.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Very easy for them to say.

The only thing is if it's a regular thing, did you tell her last time it was the last time? You shouldn't have to but expectations and all that.

[MimiSunshine]

So your other friends are stepping in and bailing her out aren't they? I mean to keep her happy they're prepared to wait for her to repay and have already handed over the money haven't they?

No! You do surprise me 😱 [insert sarcastic emoji here]

No YANBU and I'd pubically tell your friend that if she's so keen to bad mounts you then definitely no more loans in the future either. I'd also be asking why these mutual friends haven't given her the money if they're so sure it's the right thing to do?

[minionsrule]

I think you should be dancing OP not worrying about it - you will never have to bail her out again!
Seriously I know how easy it is to struggle with money but I bet she is one of these people who just fritters money and expects others to fall over themselves to help her out.
Stuff that, she should be saying fair enough, thanks for all the help in the past

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

She is BU. She's throwing a tantrum in the hope it will make you change your mind.

I feel bad for her, being in such a bad financial situation but you have tried to help her many times before. She's abusing your good nature at this point.

[DoloresTheRunawayTrain]

YANBU and the only reasons your other friends are asking you to placate her are to stop her whinging at them and turning her attention to them and asking for money. They want you to get back in your role as their buffer from her.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Sounds like you need some better friends

[Bluntness100]

Of course you're not being unreasonable but your friends opinions are bemusing. How much does she borrow, can you afford it and how quickly does she pay it back.

If it's just the occasional twenty quid, uou can easily afford it and she always pays it back, then I'd probably have continued, but she's still the unreasonable one to expect it. If however it's a sum you can't easily afford then your friends are also being unreasonable.

[chipscheesentomatosauce]

None of these people sound like friends. Just users and doormats.

[littlewoollypervert]

I'd be soo tempted to do a group text to that friend and the ones that think you should pay saying:

"X, I've helped you out 5 times and am now stopping. A & B, as you think that this help should continue, now it is up to you to help X out. X, please contact A & B as I'm certain they will be willing to lend you the £100 you are in need of."

Then stand back and watch the row!

[highinthesky]

Don't do the group text thing. Others may think badly of you, but do they provided a credit service to this "friend"? If not, they are in no position to judge.

It's not as if you are going back on a promise. In retrospect it would have been easier to say that you don't have it, so please don't ask in future.

[mumofthemonsters808]

Don't feel guilty in the slightest, your friend has probably got used to relying on your pay day loan minus the interest service and does not budget properly because she knows you always bail her out. Now you have withdrawn this kind help, she has no option but to get her act together. I suggest your friends put their money where their mouth is and take over the role, if they are that concerned.Its ok to criticise when you are not put in this awkward situation month in and month out.Dont give in, she needs to take some responsibility and not be so entitled.

[IamFriedSpam]

a couple of friends have basically said that I should have just carried on doing it to keep her happy!! Why aren't they giving her the money then?

[Miserylovescompany2]

I guess she's no true friend at the end of the day...if your friendship is only held together by you periodically morphing into a cash dispenser.

You help her out repeatedly time after time. Then eventually say no, enough is enough sort of thing. She throws her toys out the pram and bad mouths you to other friends.

My advice. Let her get on with the drama. If the other friends feel so strongly? Let them bail her out.

[alltouchedout]

Your other friends can pay her bills then.

[Namesarehard]

None of them are your friends. Take this opportunity and cut ties with all of them.

[wifeyhun]

You should be glad, you are not there to subsidise her.

Why doesn't anyone else help her?

[ScarlettFreestone]

Goodness. I'm so sorry, it must feel awful.

But in the other hand saying no was a quick and cheap way to discover who your friends are.

You clearly aren't a friend, you were just a cash machine.

Invest in some new friends.

[cjt110]

Tell her to get to fuck....

[RortyCrankle]

YANBU - Ignore her and tell your other 'friends' they can now be her cash point machine.

[BillSykesDog]

YANBU. But I would have warned her it was the last time before cutting it off. Just because if it is a regular thing she may not have had chance to plan/budget for it not to be there.

[AlmostAJillSandwich]

She's probably thrown a tantrum in desperation if she was relying on you helping her out and you've said no.
It is NOT ok for her to treat you like an ATM, but if you've given no previous warning you wouldn't bail her out again then she's probably taken it for granted (since she does actually pay you back) that you had no issue with it and now shes up shit creek.
Obviously she needs to manage her spending/budget throughout the month (she does get enough if shes able to pay you back) but it's difficult once you're behind. I understand her issue, i technically get just enough a month to get by but the bills all come in mid month when i get paid part mid month part end of the month. I use a credit card to get round this but she might not have a good enough credit rating to get one so is reliant on other people tiding her over til she gets the rest of her pay.

It is absolutely her problem, and when you've helped her so much she has no right to be anything but grateful for the help you've given her. If she's been doing this for months she's had time to find another solution, and as for your other "friends" if they think it's so reasonable let them help her.