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to think that shacked-up/married men shouldn't message female friends with compliments on their looks?

(72 Posts)
Hmm24601 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:28:30

Genuine AIBU here - I wouldn't want my OH to do this to other women, even if he meant nothing by it (and I'm sure none of the men I mention below mean anything untoward).

Every so often, I'll have one of my friend's partners or a now happily shacked-up ex/male friend privately message me on social media telling me how gorgeous/beautiful/etc. I look in a particular photo (or my photos more generally). I think they are all in very happy relationships and I'm not arrogant enough to think "oh, all these men must fancy me (!!) grin

But I was thinking about it the other day after the last incident - I wouldn't be happy if my OH did this to his female friends (well, particularly if they had ever gone on a date or two in the past. I think it would be different if he e.g. did it publicly - commented on a photo or gave my friend a compliment at a party etc.

AIBU to think that I would feel a bit sad if my friend showed me a message my OH had sent her saying "you always look like a model in a magazine in your photos - so beautiful" or similar? But I trust my OH not to cheat on me, or be looking to cheat on me so maybe I'm being overly jealous! I'm just glad he doesn't (as far as I know!!)

pelicanpaul Fri 03-Mar-17 09:33:14

They sound like sleazebags testing the waters.

Chloe84 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:34:46

Yep, sleazebags.

PurpleMinionMummy Fri 03-Mar-17 09:35:10

Of course you aren't bu.

It is odd how some women attract such messages and others get none though isn't it

ShuttyTown Fri 03-Mar-17 09:35:54

Stealth boast...?

Hmm24601 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:38:20

Ha, I think that making an anonymous comment in a forum is genuinely the last place you'd want to go for a proper boast ;) (but I did think that I'd get comments like that, but genuinely wondered whether I was being unreasonable with regards to how I'd feel if my OH did the same)

Hmm24601 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:39:19

PurpleMinion - you think it's something I'm doing that's attracting these comments? I can't think of anything - though I am the only one of my peer group who isn't engaged/married so maybe that's it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Fri 03-Mar-17 09:41:41

My thoughts too, Shutty

PurpleMinionMummy Fri 03-Mar-17 09:41:55

So you don't think it's strange they all choose you to message? I hope you forwarded the messages to their partners and blocked them.

AnyFucker Fri 03-Mar-17 09:43:40

'Cos you are single a certain type of man will think you are up for it

It's not a compliment so glad you are not taking it as such

Unless you are in the habit of posting selfies a la Karen Danczuk the comments are uninvited and I would be completely blanking them

myoriginal3 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:43:54

You must be stunning to attract so much attention.

justnowords Fri 03-Mar-17 09:45:49

they are just sleazebags trying their luck. Its quite sad, i have a few and its disappointing to find out that someone you thought was a decent person turns out to be a shitebag. I usually ask them what their wives would think of it, and they try to pass it off as just banter. No its fucking not.

PurpleMinionMummy Fri 03-Mar-17 09:45:59

Sorry x post. I do think blokes who do this choose who they message carefully, yes. The fact you are single could well be the reason why they choose you (I assumed you had a partner from your post). I think they also choose women who are perhaps vulnerable in some way or who are very flirty so they might think they're in with a chance.

LaVacheKiri Fri 03-Mar-17 09:46:20

I wouldn't be very happy if my OH did this. I have an acquaintance who is in a relationship but makes a lot of these public comments (usually where there's a bit of cleavage on show) and I always find it sleazy....

Ladyformation Fri 03-Mar-17 09:46:56

Don't know why PPs are being snarky.

OP, I came on to tell you that obviously YABU because I think compliments are lovely, generous and normal between friends. But then I read that this is via private messaging and sounds skeezy AF. No problem with my DP complimenting other women at parties, on public posts etc. So much of a problem if it was done like this. YANBU at all, how grim.

Hmm24601 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:48:20

I've never discussed it IRL with my other friends, maybe they get the same thing? I'll ask.

I've ended up just ignoring the messages and not replying. If it isn't a big deal, I don't want to look like I'm being over-dramatic by showing my friends and making a big deal out of it.

But hmm at the idea that it of course has to be something that I'm doing. Or a boast. I have enough in my life IRL to be thankful for that I don't need to talk about how wonderful I am on a forum where no-one knows who I am grin

AyeAmarok Fri 03-Mar-17 09:49:49

I dunno. I think that often when people post lots of photos of themselves on social media they are really quite desperate to get comments from people, and would be quite miffed if they didn't.

Are you a bit annoyed that the comments are private and not public, so all your friends can't see how many compliments you're getting from men without you having to mention the PMs?

WatchingIZombie Fri 03-Mar-17 09:50:16

I think it's inappropriate too. I've had the same thing happen to me. It's creepy and not something anyone would brag about so I don't doubt your intentions OP. It's a genuine question I've had before.

Hmm24601 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:52:11

ah, ok, PurpleMinion - apologies, I thought you were saying I must be (as another poster put it) posting cleavagy selfies (I don't even do normal selfies).

I do have an OH but we've been going out for a year and aren't married or engaged or anything so I wonder if that is why. I'm not flirty. I am chatty - but I am like that with everyone and all my closest friends are female.

I'm glad to hear from others that I'm NBU - I always worry that I have a tendency to get unreasonably jealous about OH potential behaviour.

Hmm24601 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:54:09

For avoidance of doubt, I very rarely post any photos of myself on Facebook - or indeed any photos (except for nice sunrise shots!). But I do appear in other people's photos smile and if it's a nice one I'll make it a profile photo!

KickingKat Fri 03-Mar-17 09:56:22

Jesus some of these replies hmm

Men latch on to single women good looking or not. We're seen as desperate for any male attention that we'd fall over ourselves to shag them just because they think we look nice.

Ignore, block or reply. Sorry Jane is that you? Think you might be logged onto Johns account. Haha it looked like it might be John for a moment (gross!)

WorraLiberty Fri 03-Mar-17 09:56:50

It's sleazy behaviour.

Even if it turns out that you're one of these needy people with 100s of FB friends and shit tons of selfies, I would expect any compliments to be written in the comment box under the pic, rather than in a private message.

lborgia Fri 03-Mar-17 09:57:12

Is there an element of victim blaming going on here? If OP was speaking about husbands being creeps at parties - brushing past her and whispering a compliment when their DW wasn't listening/around - would we be wondering how her body language/dress/behaviour was provoking this?

It seems really stark reading this, but maybe I've misconstrued?

OP, yes, it's creepy, no, I would not like to think my DH was sending compliments in PMs. You're right to ignore.

PurpleMinionMummy Fri 03-Mar-17 09:58:03

I didn't say it HAD to be. I gave several reasons as to why. How would you explain why it only happens to some pretty, fit, possibly single women and not all of them?

It is a big deal too. It's the start of emotional cheating, possibly more. If a bloke is messaging you, he's probably messaging others and at some point someone will respond and bingo. If you'd want to know if your oh was doing it, tell your friends when their oh does.

Sunnyshores Fri 03-Mar-17 10:11:50

My friend gets this alot too and its not because of any way she acts or dresses. There are obviously some men that really cant read signals or just think theyre irresistable. Some of these men she has barely ever spoken to, just met at work, or friends of friends socially, theyre much older, completely unsuitable (not to mention married) and yet they seem to think shes desperate to start some sleezy affair.

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