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AIBU to want to give my last frosty a chance

(87 Posts)
Whatalready Fri 03-Mar-17 08:46:09

I am lucky to have a 9 month old baby from a DE cycle. He is so beautiful. Every time I look at him I fall more and more in love with everything about him. I have two children in their twenties too. DH was willing to let me become a mum again and he loves our LO. The trouble is that I have one more frozen embryo. A perfect baby boy and I want him. I know this wasn't 'the deal' as my DH puts it. But I can't destroy him. I don't want anyone else to have him. I want to give him a chance to live. I imagine him as part of our family. I would love my LO to have a little brother to grow up with. We could afford to bring up an extra child. Our house is big enough. The DE transfer cost is low. I do all the baby care, all the night feeds, took no maternity leave from our family business despite CS. But DH will not even discuss it, wants his life back (!?), blames the baby for not having time for his hobbies (yet I've not stopped him doing anything). I don't go on about this but it is on my mind a lot. It breaks my heart to think that I can't. My sister says I should just go but that's a terrible way to do it. What would you do? Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Rosae Fri 03-Mar-17 08:53:14

You are not unreasonable to feel that way but you would be unreasonable to go ahead without his permission.

mouldycheesefan Fri 03-Mar-17 08:53:32

Neither of you is wrong. You have three children and have done the baby phase twice over and dh can't face doing it again. That's reasonable. You want to try the embryo transfer that's reasonable too.
Counselling may help.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Fri 03-Mar-17 08:57:26

I don't think either of you are unreasonable to feel the way you do. Talking about this, perhaps with a counsellor, might help.

It would be u to go ahead without his agreement, I guess you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker decision for you.

PurpleDaisies Fri 03-Mar-17 08:58:50

Don't you need both people's consent for an embryo transfer?

You're not wrong to feel like you want another child but you would be unreasonable in going ahead without your husband's consent.

grumpysquash3 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:01:21

Not the point, I know, but how do you know that the frosty is a boy?

Floggingmolly Fri 03-Mar-17 09:04:19

hmm. You haven't got a "perfect baby boy" waiting for your say so to be born, you have the same chance of becoming pregnant as anyone else.
Sorry to be brutal, but you are really not seeing this at all clearly.

NoSquirrels Fri 03-Mar-17 09:05:05

You can't go ahead without his consent.

However, I'd probably feel like you given your circumstances- as you are still in "the baby stage" and will be for some time anyway, I'd want to have a sibling close in age too if possible and affordable.

But you can't go ahead without his consent.

Pandsbear Fri 03-Mar-17 09:05:42

Difficult call. Also (though I am sure you know this), many many frozen embryos, once defrosted, are not viable for transfer so it is possible that you could make the decision to go ahead only to find out there is nothing to use.
Do you have to make the decision now or can you continue with storage?

Witchend Fri 03-Mar-17 09:24:01

I think talking to your dh about how having 2 children close in age will make it easier as they grow up-I'm happier leaving 2 dc together than one on their own etc.

But ultimately he has to be on board, and I doubt they would do it without his permission.

You do also have to think about how you will feel if this fails, which it might well do.

PyongyangKipperbang Fri 03-Mar-17 09:26:00

What worries me is that you see this embryo as a perfect baby boy, fully formed and with you, just as your son is. But there is a very high chance of that not happening. There is no guarantee that the transfer would result in a pregnancy or that a pregnancy would make it to term.

I can understand you not wanting it destroyed or used by someone else, I wouldnt either, but that doesnt mean that the only other option is for you to use it.

I am a bit hmm about him going through all the rigmarole of assisted conception when you have grown up children but then, within a few months of the birth, complaining that he wants his life back. I wonder if he is regretting agreeing to having a second go at the nappy stage, not to say that he doesnt want or love your son, but that he didnt think through what he was agreeing to and doesnt want to go there again.

I agree that counselling would be very helpful.

Can I ask why you wanted to have another child when your others are grown up?

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Fri 03-Mar-17 09:29:17

I understand your longing for another, but it would be terribly unfair on your DH if he's not keen.

If you want the embryo to have a chance at life, can you donate it? I'm Catholic, and DH and I agreed before we started IVF that we'd donate any unused embryos to another couple once our family was complete.

Soubriquet Fri 03-Mar-17 09:32:42

Sorry OP but you would be very unreasonable to go ahead and try.

You need your DH's support and he doesn't want to.

FrenchLavender Fri 03-Mar-17 09:33:23

I think if you keep putting pressure on him to do this you are going to make him bitterly regret that he agreed to have the baby you have now.

Let it go. He doesn't want another child and it's unfair and selfish to try to manipulate him into to it. Presumably you are not spring chickens, either.

SEsofty Fri 03-Mar-17 09:34:03

How do you know it's a boy?

SEsofty Fri 03-Mar-17 09:35:16

And if you had a successful pregnancy no guarantee wouldn't have a child with additional needs.

You need to think about the reality not just an ideal

Are the two older children your DH's? He doesn't sound like he has bought into the baby idea in the way you have if he is already moaning about the impact on his life. If he is not keen then I can't see how having another baby will do anything other than cause massive stress.

PurpleDaisies Fri 03-Mar-17 09:37:28

From your post it seems the first baby was a concession to you because you wanted one rather than him being particularly bothered (he was "willing" to let you become a mum again). It's fair enough for him not to want any more.

andontothenext Fri 03-Mar-17 09:40:27

How do you know it's a boy?

WorshipTheGourd Fri 03-Mar-17 09:48:32

Op, I PM'd you.x

pictish Fri 03-Mar-17 09:51:27

I agree that neither of are wrong to feel as you do. However, I also think if your dh doesn't want more children, you should probably make your peace with not having another baby. The impact a child makes on your life is immeasurable and it it would be wrong to force it on him either without his knowledge or by going on until he gives in. You would have to bank on him 'coming round' once the baby's there and I think that's a high stake gamble for all concerned. He may well resent you for it. Don't have a baby with someone who doesn't want one.

You have had the pleasure of three lovely children so you haven't missed out by anyone's standards.

HappyFlappy Fri 03-Mar-17 09:51:32

Destroying your embryo (though I totally understand why you feel you can't) is not destroying your baby. There are umpteen fertilised ova which are washed away during menstrual cycles because they didn't implant - and this happens for ALL women - not just women who find it difficult to conceive.

As I understand it, when embryos are implanted they usually put in two or three to ensure at least one viable foetus. All you know is that this is a healthy embryo - not that it will necessarily lead to a healthy pregnancy (or any pregnancy).

As you get older, even in our technological age, each pregnancy puts a greater toll on YOUR body.

What if you are very, very ill and can't even properly care for the little one you have?

What if you miscarry at a time when you are happy and joyful and filled with hope and anticipation for this coming baby?

Or - God forbid - what if you longed for baby dies or is seriously damaged during the birth (anoxia etc). Or you do? Who then looks after the beautiful baby you already have?

A longing for a "last, bonus" baby is very common in women when they start to reach the end of their childbearing years - I had it myself. (Mine started when my DH had his vasectomy and even though we did not want further children, every month I would hope that I would be late and that the "V "had reversed itself.). It is a very natural and understandable emotion.

Your hormones are still jumbled from your other baby. Give yourself a chance to let them settle.

Perhaps (I don't know how you feel about these things) you could speak to your priest and ask if you could have a small service of mourning for this last embryo, and then let him go in whatever way you are most comfortable with - either to a child's couple, or destruction (what a terrible word!). In fact, many, if not all, hospitals have their own services for babies who have died, were still born, miscarried etc, just because they know how devastating a loss it is to the parents. Maybe if you could think of him as a "lost twin" to your healthy baby, it would be easier to let him go.

Whatever happens - please don't go ahead without your DH's wholehearted agreement. It would be a terrible betrayal of trust. Give yourself at least a year to allow your body to recover from your most recent pregnancy - physically and emotionally - and see how you feel then. Yes - you will be a year older, but you will also be thinking more clearly and will be in a better position to know what you - as opposed to your hormonal imbalances - really want.

Whatever you and your DH decide, I wish you every joy.

HappyFlappy Fri 03-Mar-17 09:53:09

*childless, not child's - sorry

steff13 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:53:33

There's a test called PGD that can determine the sex of an embryo as well as other things about it (genetic problems, etc.).

I wouldn't be comfortable destroying an embryo, either. I'd probably donate it, I'd that's possible. I'm sure there's a childless couple out there that would love to have it.

welshweasel Fri 03-Mar-17 09:55:12

Obviously you're being unreasonable but I think you know that.

It's an interesting topic though, and one that I didn't even consider prior to starting IVF. I was delighted to get 4 embryos. One became DS and the other 3 are in the freezer. When they were frozen we obviously didn't know whether I'd get pregnant from the first one so felt relieved that we had 3 more attempts as a back up. We were so lucky that we got DS first attempt but now I feel really conflicted about my frosties. We won't be having any more (DH is older than me, with two teenage children, and trying for one was always the deal), I'd donate them but we aren't able to due to DH's age, so I guess at some point I have to agree to them being destroyed. I feel so sad about it though, even through they are just a bunch of cells but with the potential to become something so much more. I really think it's something that should be brought up before you start the process.

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