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To not want to go out for my Birthday with his ex wife and family.

(37 Posts)
livedtotellthetale Thu 02-Mar-17 10:51:37

Been with DP for 5 years, its my Birthday next Tuesday he is working nights no problem as not a big birthday and I am really busy at work so the actual birthday didnt bother me. but arranged that we would go out this Saturday night for a meal instead.
Last night his ex texted to say that his Niece is in London visting the other niece who is at uni here. they are from oversea,s and as it was her 21st a couple of days ago they are going out for a meal on Saturday night to celebrate and would love to him.
He really wants to go and usually I dont have a problem we get on fine with his ex wife and have been out before for his DS Birthday she even came to my dps 50th meal a couple of weeks ago I like her and have met the nieces before who are very nice and welcoming. But the texted came to him saying they would love him to come to th meal no mention of me not us as a couple, Dp said it will be fine for you to come as your with me
I dont want to go I dont want to spend what was meant to be my Birthday meal out with his ex wife Ds and nieces, they have in the past when out talked about the past when Dp lived in there country and the the place they lived and family I dont know and have felt excluded.
I told Dp I didnt want to go and really the invite wasnt to me he just said they wont mind your with me. his response was when I said Im not going and you go if you want is ok, and then spent the evening being over nice and intentive to me.
Any other time I would not have a problem with him going or I might go too but it was meant to be my birthday meal out with him.
My dds are both away at uni so wont be around either. so am I being Aibu to think he should have said no to the meal with ex and Nieces his Niece is in this country for the next week or so so will have time to see her a diffrent time.

elQuintoConyo Thu 02-Mar-17 10:54:25

You are being precious, sorry.

You say your birthday doesn't bother you - but obviously it does.

Go for lunch on Sunday? Or Sunday dinner.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 02-Mar-17 10:55:33

Maybe join them for pre meal drinks then go off and enjoy your evening as planned? Ask about meeting dn for lunch another day.

livedtotellthetale Thu 02-Mar-17 10:59:25

Dp is back to work Sunday night, so Sunday is out. I actually think that Dp prefers to meet them without me and feel that he is pushing for me to come because we had plans already,

Noodoodle Thu 02-Mar-17 11:02:05

Agree with meeting to say hello and then go enjoy your birthday meal elsewhere. That would annoy me too. Or he could have said "sorry we've already planned something for lived's birthday so we'll have to meet another day, seeing as you're here for a while". It's nice he gets on with them and wants to spend time with them but they're neices not children.

MagicMojito Thu 02-Mar-17 11:05:05

Mumsnet is weird about birthdays. Personally i think birthdays are about the person whos birthday it is. The entire point is to celebrate that person and their life therefore what you say goes for that one day of the year! Im not saying that every whim and ridiculous demand has to be obeyed grin although that would be amazing but you should get to celebrate how you want to.

Happy birthday 💐🎂🍾

IamFriedSpam Thu 02-Mar-17 11:05:19

Well I certainly would go to this meet up in lieu of your birthday but if this is the only opportunity for them all to meet up together and if these are people he hasn't seen in a while and he's excited to meet up with I'd probably be happy for him to go (then either go or not go myself) but would expect a proper birthday celebration for me on another evening.
I can understand you feeling disappointed though if you were looking forward to the birthday meal.

If on the other hand this is just a random meet up that he wouldn't normally be bothered about and he's using it as an excuse to flake on your birthday I'd be very unimpressed.

IamFriedSpam Thu 02-Mar-17 11:05:44

Sorry that should be wouldn't go to this in lieu of an actual birthday meal.

ems137 Thu 02-Mar-17 11:13:42

That is just plain weird to me! I certainly wouldn't go and I'd not be too happy if my DH chose to go there either tbh.

foodtime Thu 02-Mar-17 11:18:58

Of course your not being reasonable OP.
He's already made plans with you.
Its also bloody rude to say it will be fine if you come along. That's a great way to make someone feel special.
Have you got any friends free on Saturday? Have a few drinks and dinner with them?

BevGoldbergsSister Thu 02-Mar-17 11:19:02

I get on fine with my ex, we happily do meals and that together but there is no way Id go out with xDH on my dps birthday shock

Im actually really shocked people think it would be ok for him to cancel your birthday meal to go out with anyone else, for me that would be a considering LTB scenario.

ChinUpChestOut Thu 02-Mar-17 11:20:18

Your DP took you at your word when you said it wasn't a biggie that you couldn't celebrate on your day, and it wasn't a special birthday. He didn't understand that there was a subtext of "I get that you're working nights, but I still want you to make me feel special when we do go out".

If you haven't already said exactly this to him, do it now. It will be a revelation to him. Ask him if he really wants to see these nieces etc - fine if he does (you decide if you want to go along too), but then he does need to plan a special evening out for your birthday. And don't ever pretend your birthday doesn't really matter to you because you're confusing him. It does matter (and that's fine).

TheMaddHugger Thu 02-Mar-17 11:23:34

Have an honest conversation with your Husband.

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) OP flowers cake

GabsAlot Thu 02-Mar-17 11:28:42

but its not your actual birthday so does it really matter-maybe thats how your dh sees it

kath6144 Thu 02-Mar-17 11:32:23

You are not being unreasonable, can you not tell him you would like to stick to the original arrangements, maybe meet for a drink first if you cant see them another time?

It is your birthday, you should have a say in your celebrations and not have to cancel them. I would be annoyed if this was me....

BTW, it is also my birthday next Tuesday. Happy Birthday to us both! I am in my 50s but still enjoy birthdays. We are going out Sun evening as DS able to come home from uni overnight but I have booked Tuesday off work too.🎉🎂🍾

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Mar-17 11:37:03

I'd be well pissed off with this scenario.
He had plans with you.
He can't just 'take the better offer' that's not on at all.
I'd be having serious words!

kath6144 Thu 02-Mar-17 11:39:29

Bev - "for me that would be a considering LTB scenario."

That made me laugh, but yes, if my DH suddenly said he couldn't make my birthday meal Sunday night I would not be amused.

BevGoldbergsSister Thu 02-Mar-17 12:09:06

I was trying to imagine my DP having this conversation with me..

DP: Darling instead of going out for your birthday, I think I'll go out with my ex wifes neices birthday instead. I suppose you could tag along if you wanted?

Me: Oh dear but weve made plans. I suppose I could invite that nice man from work who keeps asking me out for a drink instead. What do you think of this tiny dress for it? Does it show enough cleavage?

But then Im a divorced passive agressive cow grin

emmyrose2000 Thu 02-Mar-17 12:27:24

YANBU

Your husband is in the wrong.

I would let him know that his wanting to going out with the ex instead of going to your birthday celebration is a complete dick move.

I'd also ask him why his EX is more important to him than his current partner?

livedtotellthetale Thu 02-Mar-17 12:35:18

To be fair its not his ex, its his wifes nieces or as he still calls them his nieces. but I do feel really let down as we had plans.

DorothyHarris Thu 02-Mar-17 12:35:39

I wouldn't be impressed at all with my DH if he did that. I'm not surprised you're not thrilled about it.

2rebecca Thu 02-Mar-17 12:39:25

Agree this seems odd as the niece is his exwife's niece not his niece. I don't see my exhusband's extended family any more and certainly wouldn't go out with them on an evening when we were planning to celebrate my current husband's birthday.
Likewise my husband doesn't go out for dinners with his exwife's family. Some of them are his facebook friends and he'll chat to them if we bump in to them but I wouldn't expect him to attend dinner with them over dinner with me or expect us both to go to dinner with his exwife unless the celebration was for their (now adult) kids.

Chloe84 Thu 02-Mar-17 13:14:07

Sorry, are these your DP's nieces from his own siblings? Or are they his nieces through his marriage to his ex?

Who makes you feel excluded, the ex or the nieces?

He has made plans with you and should stick to them. If these nieces only come to London once in a blue mion then I can understand why he wants to see them but he should make plans that suit everyone, and that do not involving cancelling your dinner.

Chloe84 Thu 02-Mar-17 13:14:47

X-post. He needs the get his priorities in order.

2014newme Thu 02-Mar-17 13:18:10

He goes to the dinner with neices.
You switch your birthday meal to another night.

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