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What is it with MIL's??

(17 Posts)
IAmNotTheWickedWitch Wed 01-Mar-17 17:13:50

Name changed as SIL in on here but I'm an oldie old.

It's not a MIL bashing thread as we did actually get on quite well. Me and DH have been together almost 20 years and now have 2 DS's. With DS1, PIL were heavily involved as they lived close, used to babysit regular etc. When I became pregnant with DS2 they decided to move almost 100 miles away for some bizarre unknown reason, left behind all family and friends.

Since moving they have stopped contacting us unless DH phones them. They only phone when they need something. We saw them for 2 hours at Xmas and they barely even looked or spoke to me. We had DS2's first birthday on Saturday and they completely ignored me and my family for the whole thing! Made comments about pictures being taken involving my mum etc and MIL even questioned family members she hadn't met as to who they were and it was done cheekily!

It seems they no longer thing I matter yet claim everything is fine when DH brings it up. I've told him if they continue to ignore me they won't be seeing my children (even though they barely see them as it is anyway) I genuinely don't get it. Up until they moved there was genuinely no issue at all.

Is it wrong to stop them seeing the DS's if they ignore me? Why should they decide which members of my family they can be bothered with??

Sorry it's long it's been building for a while and the lack of effort is really hitting DH sad

Ragwort Wed 01-Mar-17 17:18:03

Yes, I think you are being petty in not letting your ILs see their grandchildren; just let things cool between you and MIL, don't drag everyone else into it. Let DH see his parents with the grandchildren and you do your own thing - win win surely? grin.

You almost sound a little bit resentful that your ILs have moved away, why shouldn't they move away? Are you missing the regular babysitting?

junebirthdaygirl Wed 01-Mar-17 17:20:01

Would zhe have taken offence earlier about your family having more involment and could she have decided that she didnt want to have any more to do with you as you favoured your own family? Or is she going senile?

IamFriedSpam Wed 01-Mar-17 17:20:27

YWBU to stop them seeing DSs but YWNBU to refuse to socially with them yourself if they're rude to you and your family.

Chloe84 Wed 01-Mar-17 17:23:57

Let DC and DH see PIL. Don't create a rift between you and DH. It sucks but be cool and calm, and stop visiting them yourself but let DH sort his visits to them.

notanurse2017 Wed 01-Mar-17 17:26:04

I would be very unenthusiastic about letting my children see anyone who had no respect for me. It gives out an awful message.

IAmNotTheWickedWitch Wed 01-Mar-17 18:19:21

Not resentful at all that they have moved. The childcare was at their request, it was for quality time apparently. At times it actually made life more difficult as we had to re-arrange things so they could have the time as they were only willing to do certain days and times.

My family are extremely close so are more heavily involved but so was PIL when they lived nearby, it's only since they have moved involvement has stopped at their end.

notanurse has it on the head. How can I let people that clearly have no respect for me to have influence on my children? They love their grandparents and I genuinely think the grandparent bond is an amazing thing but as mum should I not be respected?

StrawberryShortcake32 Wed 01-Mar-17 18:27:53

I'd arrange so that to spend time with DGC they have to go through you. Use the reason that you organise their lives/after school clubs etc. They will have to communicate with you and they bloody well should be as the mother and wife for goodness sake. You can't just be brushed aside and should be a higher priority for your DH than his parents are You are a family, they need to understand you come as a package deal

I hope it all works out for you flowers

Bananamanfan Wed 01-Mar-17 18:28:14

It sounds like something has happened. You said something or did something that they were wildly offended by, yoyr dcs said something or someone else said something.
Have you tried to talk to them yourself?

Bananamanfan Wed 01-Mar-17 18:29:33

I agree that you should not be pushed out of the children, parents, grandparents relationship.

WorraLiberty Wed 01-Mar-17 18:30:10

So the kid's Dad gets no say in whether he wants them to see his parents?

ScarlettFreestone Wed 01-Mar-17 18:34:08

You say that they say nothing is wrong when your DH raises it?

What happens if you raise it, directly, immediately after the offending comment is made?

It's a lot more difficult for people to make snidey comments if you politely and cheerfully pick them up on them every single time. (Rather than seething silently)

I've had good success with this in our own family.

Mistressiggi Wed 01-Mar-17 18:55:18

If you were divorced you would have no say at all in whether they saw your children. I am hesitant to say people should respect the child's mother if they are to see them. Does that apply to the father too? What if the mother is someone it is really hard to respect?

IAmNotTheWickedWitch Wed 01-Mar-17 19:30:33

Worra the kids dad as you put it has every right and thankfully he agrees with me. I would be doing the same if it was my family doing this to him.

Scarlett the problem is we are never alone, always around other family members. Most of the comments were made when I wasn't near but lots of people heard them being said.

Mistress I would fully expect my family to respect my DH should we split. Unless of course there's certain circumstances.

Thanks for the replies flowers

notanurse2017 Wed 01-Mar-17 20:13:13

I think your dh needs to explain to his parents that unless they are polite and courteous to you, they won't be able to see the children. It's setting the kids up for a toxic relationship otherwise.

AllDaBoats Wed 01-Mar-17 23:50:07

Just ask MIL outright if everything is okay between you as you feel there is distance recently. Get it out in the open instead of second guessing and games

genna1310 Thu 02-Mar-17 07:32:11

I understand where your coming from on this,
Been with DH for 18yrs nearly was 17 when we got together have 2 DD's together and MIL was fantastic with DD1 because she fell out with SIL she had very little to do with her other sons kids so she spoilt DD1 with everything including her time and affection.... BIL & SIL had a little girl in 06 we had DD2 in 07 and yet again she had nothing to do with our niece the strange pre booked visits but me feeling for MIL I thought she would be all over DD2 but she didn't maybe because she was bit older but she didn't really click with her, FIL is the same with all 4 grandkids useless lol nice enough but no a Grandad like my dad and grandad....
Recently we had a falling out with MIL won't bore you with the story but I walked out of their house before I lost it DH followed me shock never stood by me in an argument before,
I never stopped them from seeing DH or girls but they didn't call or text or even a check in with DD1 who has her own phone!
If I had my way I'd cut them out of our life it's me who bought Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday, anniversary and Christmas cards for them not DH did we get any card nope!
I started a job before Xmas needed them to get DD2 from school drop them to DD1 it become such a burden I left my little job after 3 days! Might I add we was all talking at this point!
She has said some pretty vile things about me in earshot of my girls and I've said to them if you want to go see them you can but you have to get in touch with MIL and to this day DD2 has called her few times only to be left down by MIL 1 excuse or another DD1 don't care for her at all!
I feel heart broken for DD2 she loves her so much craves her attention and she ain't interested!
I've told my girls until she asks to see either of them I'm not putting the effort in for them to go there!

Got loads more to say but I'm waffling on lol grin

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