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...to feel like complete crap?

(30 Posts)
DerFlabberghast Wed 01-Mar-17 15:07:09

Late last year I got out of rehab, I'm almost seven months clean and proud of it but feel like I've completely stalled in my life with no way forward.

I live in halfway housing for people with substance abuse and mental health problems which can get dangerous, added to this is the fact that my room would be taken away the instant the Doc decided I wasn't ill enough, despite my diagnosis, any more - this has already happened with one doc who said that I didn't have mental health problems anymore now I was sober, he was rebuked by the mental health team after they had to assign the crisis team to a home visit every day. I don't really feel safe there but it's better than no roof over my head.

I'm on a course which I hope will improve my chances in life but wouldn't graduate fully until September, my DP is supportive of my recovery and path I've chosen but gets vague when I say I'm terrified of now becoming homeless and this makes me feel like I'm on shaky ground if anything worse does happen.

I don't know, I feel like I have nothing to complain about but still feel awful and without any security, I feel like I'm just drifting through my newly sober life while the other people I know who made it to this point without relapsing have started renting flats and getting their lives together, I know they have more money than me and don't need to be on benefits but it still makes me feel like a failure. I'm also sick constantly and apparently this is normal in early recovery but I've been in and out of hospital with chest infections since November and am just a bit worn down with it all.

Am I just holding a pity party for one here? Gentle arse-kicking probably needed.

Armadillostoes Wed 01-Mar-17 15:12:01

I didn’t want to read and run. Just to say that it sounds as though you have done amazingly! I can imagine that life must feel scary for your at present (I haven't been in your situation so don't claim I can begin to truly understand) but please be kind to yourself. Your are changing things for the better and things will get there.

SandysMam Wed 01-Mar-17 15:21:06

As above, the fact you have got yourself clean is amazing. You should be really, really proud of yourself. Have you spoken to the council about alternative housing?
Whatever you do, just keep clean and sober and moving forwards...never backwards! Good luck flowers

LobsterQuadrille Wed 01-Mar-17 15:24:39

Hi OP, sounds as if you have made huge leaps forward and deserve a massive pat on the back! I have a friend who is in what sounds like exactly your situation. She's in a halfway house, her parents don't want her back home and she's been having meetings with her .... I'm not sure how she would describe the care worker assigned to her, but basically she has had an application underway for some weeks for a place in a mental health supported accommodation house. She had to fill in forms and be interviewed - and stay clean; everyone else where she is now has relapsed and she doesn't always feel safe.

Could this be an option? I'd never heard of it and it seems to be for the halfway people who are clean and ready to leave but have nowhere else to go. We are in Kent.

LobsterQuadrille Wed 01-Mar-17 15:25:44

Oh and she was accepted and moves in next week.

EmeraldScorn Wed 01-Mar-17 15:26:47

Firstly, a massive "well done" for getting clean, that's such an incredible achievement and you genuinely should be proud - I can't manage to quit nicotine because I've zero will power but look at how far you've come with a more destructive demon.

Your living arrangements sound precarious indeed but as you say it's better than no roof over your head and it's just a stepping stone for now, you will move on from it.

You're doing a course, so you're looking to the future and setting long term goals, that's great determination and focus.

I don't have any advice as such but I wanted to commend you and also to say don't compare yourself to others, your time will come at your own pace; It's not a race but you'll get where you want to be if you continue believing in yourself.

Best wishes for the future!

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira Wed 01-Mar-17 15:41:16

Nothing to add but well done! You've got this far, you can do whatever it takes to get to where you are going!

Rixera Wed 01-Mar-17 16:14:01

You are a work in progress, not a finished piece.

Who cares where other people are right now? There's no telling where you, or they, will end up.

You are on a course, thinking about the future and looking after yourself. You're doing all the right things. Your partner needs reminding of this- you are doing the hard work needed to improve your life, and your partner should be your cheerleader in this, encouraging you along.

There are many options before homelessness, hostels and shelters being among them. You're on the right path for a better life smile

DerFlabberghast Wed 01-Mar-17 16:41:52

Thanks for the lovely replies, I think I'm just a bit ground down from being ill again, this is the second time since November I've been coughing up blood. Usually I can cope much better but sometimes I want to chuck my toys out of the pram and kick everyone who told me life would be amazing in sobriety right in the nuts confused

LobsterQuadrille Wed 01-Mar-17 16:55:09

OP, I'm a recovering alcoholic and know the friend mentioned earlier through AA. It's pretty much unanimous that after you get off the "pink fluffy cloud" of the first few months of sobriety, you realise that you have to deal with life without the crutch that you previously used to deaden your emotions. Most of us didn't "do" life and it's painful stuff. Ultimately worth it though. Good luck - you sound strong and you can do it.

Rixera Wed 01-Mar-17 16:58:04

Oh no just throw everything! I've never had a drug issue but I felt the same about anorexia recovery. Constantly sick, nauseous, bloated, new awful mood swings, headaches, random vomiting- it was shit. Not to mention having to actually tackle the MH issues that caused it. Plus getting to grips with life beyond how much weight I could drop. And everyone said life would be so much better...

If you're angry, be angry! Scream into pillows, write swear words all over a notepad, destroy said notepaper, do safe non-masochistic angry things. And look after yourself. Tea and blankets help every situation.

Because after this tough slog, life will be better. Before, it was endurable but unending. Nothing would change. Now, your feet may ache but it's because you're going somewhere, rather than your arse aching because you're sitting down, going nowhere at all.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira Wed 01-Mar-17 17:25:04

Because after this tough slog, life will be better. Before, it was endurable but unending. Nothing would change. Now, your feet may ache but it's because you're going somewhere, rather than your arse aching because you're sitting down, going nowhere at all.

I love this. Very aptly put. In the end the only race is with yourself. Measure yourself against yesterday's you, no one else.

Read this part carefully: you are not a failure like you said in your op. You are a success already, and you have just reached a plateau to allow you to catch your breath, before your success grows some more.

You are an inspiration.

DerFlabberghast Wed 01-Mar-17 18:13:02

Thank you so much, actually feel myself tearing up a little. It's funny how even when you've endured something difficult you can still feel like you're not strong at all! Should I worry about DP going vague re housing? He's supportive and committed I think just probably just worrying that I want to move in with him and doesn't want me relapsing and practical stuff, I'd probably advise him to do just the same in his situation tbh.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira Wed 01-Mar-17 18:29:33

I think you should cry! You know those blubbering mothers at their kids graduation - why do they cry? Pride and relief. You are entitled to proud and relieved tears.

I think you can do it on your own. So dp is kind of a red herring. It will be interesting to see if he is in it for the full term or if he checks out - but if won't define you. You might outgrow the relationship - the world might have big plans for you.

Op, in a way we are so lucky to have these experiences in our pasts. These painful times have also given you a deep understanding of addiction that may one day serve you and allow you to serve others.

DerFlabberghast Wed 01-Mar-17 20:07:46

I think I can do it on my own, intellectually I know this I mean, but I tend to catastrophise a lot thanks to GAD and can't stop the thoughts sometimes sad

Rixera Thu 02-Mar-17 09:29:37

It might be really good for you to do it on your own re housing. Have you looked into hostels?
My brother's applying for a YMCA place and they are just lovely. I know not all hostels are equal but our local one is a genuinely nice place to be with lots of support and good facilities.

Living separate to your DP might make things feel more equal too, you having your own space is something to take pride in.

DerFlabberghast Thu 02-Mar-17 13:21:23

Our Y is an absolute dealers paradise I don't know anyone in there who isn't using openly, but then my town has terrible drugs problems, part of the reason I know I need to move. I will definitely be looking for my own space though...trying to stay positive just wish I didn't feel stuck and sick and crying all the bloody time. Anyway, thanks for the support smile

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira Thu 02-Mar-17 13:44:01

Ok. Please don't flame me. But here's a random thing that helped me. I started learning an instrument. And I was good!

It built my confidence, busied my mind and was relatively inexpensive to start and maintain (YouTube, free sheet music online.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira Thu 02-Mar-17 13:44:39

I would also say my self esteem improved.

shesaidhello1 Thu 02-Mar-17 13:48:40

Well done on your achievement of getting clean! Are there any community groups in your area you can join? Social housing providers usually put more emphasis on the idea of community groups doing fun things in the area. This will give you somewhere to go or chance to make new friends, some even on the same journey as yourself? I recently worked on a project with one of my groups, where one member classed the groups she is part of as lifesavers!

DerFlabberghast Thu 02-Mar-17 14:01:12

Opal - no flaming here, I play three! What do you learn? I am looking at learning another language with the same mindset, although so far all I can say in Russian is 'the woman is eating three yellow bicycles' grin

geordiedench Thu 02-Mar-17 14:05:49

Hi
You've done the hardest thing already. But being ill constantly, along with having no money, would drag anyone down.

Without having gone through any of the struggles you've been through, I ended up very down last year and the stuff I'm suggesting to you below is what helped me out of it.

Can you put a bit of structure into your day, that will help you start to feel a bit better? Spend 10-30 mins a day doing a meditation or affirmation on You Tube. Spend another 30 mins going for a gentle walk every day and look for things that make you smile or lift your mood. Might sound trivial, but if you do this stuff every day, it works. Drink 8 glasses of water each day to flush out the infections and keep you hydrated. And listen to a favourite upbeat song of piece of music every night on You Tube to cheer yourself up for getting through another day. Every night write down three things about your day that you are glad about and three things about yourself that you are happy about. It's fine if it's the same three things over and over. But after a while start adding stuff to your life so you have something new to feel good about.

The best cure for feeling really down on yourself that I found is to do something new every single day. It can be something silly or tiny like standing on one leg to brush your teeth, or making a cup of tea with your left hand if you're right handed etc. Bit by bit, do bigger new things - read a book that people say is life changing, talk to new people, sign up for a free course etc. Just keep trying things. It took months but I suddenly found my happiness and confidence had come back. Whenever it dips, I start doing this again ad it always helps.

The other thing is - you need rewards for what you've achieved so far. Have you given yourself some rewards. Even if you're too broke to afford buying a treat, you can tell yourself Well Done every single day.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira Thu 02-Mar-17 14:44:55

Op I'm on the keyboard with the intention to move on to a piano when one comes into my life! grin🤞

Geordie those are very good tips - I like the silly ideas, teeth etc. Knowing my luck I'd scald myself on the tea, though!

DerFlabberghast Thu 02-Mar-17 16:21:02

Oof I just went to the doc and I have strep throat and bronchitis no wonder I feel dreadful. Hopefully things will look up after antibiotics

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira Thu 02-Mar-17 17:44:00

Well done for getting to the doctor. That's kind of great news, if you get what I mean. As in this to really will pass. It's a very plausible explanation as to why you have been feeling quite so crappy. smile

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