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AIBU?

to think my niece is being neglected?

238 replies

Carlalala101 · 28/02/2017 22:39

I live very close to my sister and my ten year old niece; I look after her before and after school while my sister works and occasionally during the evenings or weekends if my sister goes out so DN and I are very close. My sister has been a single parent since DN was one and her ex sees DN on alternate weekends and for half of the holidays.

When she is with her dad, he (or someone he knows) collects her from school. She says he's often on his phone and continues this via Bluetooth during the 45 minute journey home. He then gets home and falls asleep as he's tired from his week at work. She then has unlimited access to his phone, ipad, tv and food cupboards. She's watched things which have given her nightmares for weeks before and even if he isn't asleep, he let's/encourages her to watch them. Her dad is morbidly obese and goes through cycles of gorging then surviving on smoothies. DN is naturally very greedy and doesn't know when to stop when it comes to food. He will buy her a large adult meal with milkshake plus an extra burger and ice cream at mcdonalds. When they went to Pizza Hut last week she said she had nine slices plus chips and ice cream. She giggles about eating ten biscuits or half a tube of pringles without him even noticing. She would never think to take food without permission at home or mine so I can only think he does know but doesn't stop her.

She is a soap dodger and hates brushing her teeth. My sister brushes them for her because otherwise she'll just pretend to do it and ended up with fillings last year. My sister chats with her while she showers to make sure she's washing, otherwise she just let's the water run for a bit then gets out. My DN doesn't care about being supervised and my DSIS figures when she does care she'll also care about washing properly. When she's at her dad's, he doesn't check on her tooth brushing or showering despite my sister having mentioned several times to him that DN is coming home smelly and sore. I picked her up from school on Monday and I could smell her breath and sweat immediately. She's on the cusp of puberty and does need to shower daily now. My sister has spoken to her about hygiene but DN doesn't care if she smells but then gets upset when she starts becoming sore down below.

DN says she goes to bed at the same time as her dad (I. E. late) waits for him to start snoring and then goes to get the ipad and snacks for herself. She is always extremely ratty on a Monday from lack of sleep. After she's finished on the ipad she gets into bed with him and he doesn't send her back to her room, despite DSIS having told him that it results in DN being extremely upset at home when DSIS won't let her share her bed.

My DSIS is exasperated with it all but thinks it's all just minor stuff that a court wouldn't be interested in so there's nothing she can do. I think DN is being neglected while with her dad and that my DSIS shouldn't keep letting it continue. DN is too immature to take responsibility for herself so I think DSIS should make sure things change. What do you think?

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QueenEnid · 28/02/2017 22:47

I don't think there's anything in your post to warrant a neglect call.
I'm not saying I think it's right. But neglect is not the right word

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Carlalala101 · 28/02/2017 22:49

But if my sister was leaving her to have unlimited access to the Internet and food and leaving her to get smelly and sore, that would be neglect wouldn't it? Why isn't it from him?

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Bahh · 28/02/2017 22:52

No, why would it be neglect if one person is doing it and not neglect if another is doing it?

It's lazy parenting for sure but neglect it is not.

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Givemeallthechocolate · 28/02/2017 22:57

I think it sounds like your niece is taking advantage of the situation at her dads. Most children would, please don't get me wrong, but children of that age do know how to turn things off that are scary, or they just don't like. They also know when they really should be in bed etc etc,

It doesn't sound like dad is on the ball, maybe your niece can be passed to her dad with a book where each parent lists concerns for the other to deal with?

Kids of that are are also soap dodgers, my DD is a year younger and to get that child to wash her hair is a right in itself. Maybe her dad can take her out and they can buy some lovely toiletries together which might help her to pay attention to her hygiene, Sainsbury's have a great kids roll on which DD has. He's going to need to hassle her. I can understand him keeping his distance when she's supposedly in the shower though.

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DrivingMeBonkers · 28/02/2017 23:05

Sore 'down below' after a weekend without a wash? Really?

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Birdsgottaf1y · 28/02/2017 23:05

In what way is she sore, is this just after two days?

It's bordering on neglectful, but he isn't stopping her from washing.

The unlimited access to internet etc is a safeguarding concern. Your Sister would get support, from School etc, to make him realise that he needs to supervise her, or she is at risk.

The rest isn't enough to stop contact.

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Carlalala101 · 28/02/2017 23:13

She has a club until late on Thursdays so last showers on Wednesday night and is sore by Monday morning. Obviously this is more prevalent during the holiday stays.

If she got the school involved he'd just say she was lying. He's a grown man, he knows the risk and adverse effects on everything on DN - he just doesn't do anything about it. He isn't concerned about walking in on DN in the shower, she often complains he goes for a poo while she's in there.

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Nocabbageinmyeye · 28/02/2017 23:13

The sore down below bit is worrying, why would she be sore down below? And it can't be from not showering for a few days no way, plenty of ten year olds/adults don't shower everyday and never ever have I heard of anyone getting sore

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AndNowItsSeven · 28/02/2017 23:15

It's not the best parenting but its not neglect.

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Carlalala101 · 28/02/2017 23:18

Maybe she doesn't wipe well enough, I don't know? But she has no problems parading naked and she clearly is red and sore.

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reuset · 28/02/2017 23:19

It's not the best parenting but its not neglect.

Oh yes. Agree

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Allthewaves · 28/02/2017 23:20

She shouldn't have a sore vagina even if she was just washing one a wk. R you sure she doesn't have thrush? Esp if she's eating too much sugar?

It's lazy parenting not really neglect - perhaps if he had her ft it would be neglect

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reuset · 28/02/2017 23:21

She 'parades' naked in front of you, OP? How old is she again, 10?

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Allthewaves · 28/02/2017 23:21

i'd get her up early friday and shower before school if it's a big issue

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CharlieChopstix · 28/02/2017 23:22

Don't see anything wrong with a 10 year old being naked in front of parents. Have one of my own and he absolutely couldn't give two hoots

It's not neglect but it's terrible parenting and I'd be limiting contact if it was me

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brasty · 28/02/2017 23:22

I think your DS needs to take her to the GP about the, sore down below. That is not caused by not washing.

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Pinbasket · 28/02/2017 23:23

Sore down below'? Without jumping to conclusions, this would ring some alarm bells for me, in terms of whether there is any sexual abuse occurring.
I would also question what the point of the contact is if he just sleeps most of the time and she is left to her own devices-maybe the frequency and length of the contact needs reconsidering? Maybe just day contact and then mum could oversee the hygiene and food issues?

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flupi · 28/02/2017 23:24

It's bad parenting but not strictly neglect. It seems to me as though they both need to have some ideas of good foods to eat and appropriate amounts. The same with things to do other than involving screens. It's pretty critical that this process starts soon before she gets to crisis point about her weight and the resulting body image issues that are likely to arise.

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reuset · 28/02/2017 23:25

Don't see anything wrong with a 10 year old being naked in front of parents. Have one of my own and he absolutely couldn't give two hoots

OP isn't the parent if that's in response to my post.

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Carlalala101 · 28/02/2017 23:27

Allthewaves she's out until late on Thursday do needs to sleep as late as possible on Friday morning otherwise she's tiredfor school. There's no good reason why she can't shower properly on Friday night at her dad's.

The contact is court ordered pinbasket so if DSIS changes it then they'll go back to court and she's worried she'll be accused of blocking contact and he'll end up with more.

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Carlalala101 · 28/02/2017 23:29

Reuset no she isn't bothered about being seen getting dressed or on the way to the shower at all. I've looked after her regularly for as long as she's known, I don't think it's weird that she's comfortable at my house?

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BillSykesDog · 28/02/2017 23:29

I think it's your sisters business.

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Carlalala101 · 28/02/2017 23:30

Precisely what my sister thinks flupi but her ex won't even answer a text message, let alone have an adult conversation.

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BettyBaggins · 28/02/2017 23:30

From a practical point of view in regards to her intimacy issues could you buy her some gentle wet wipes maybe? Great for soap dodgers and festival goers. It can't be comfortable for her being sore.

Is cleanliness the only reason you think she maybe sore?

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User543210 · 28/02/2017 23:32

At ten I was cooking meals for both me and my brother and doing loads of washing. She should be able to wash, do her own teeth etc.

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