To not want my mum involved with my baby?(16 Posts)
I've always had a strained relationship with my mum. Throughout my teenage years she told me I was the worst person in the world, fat, unattractive, a slut. She constantly grounded me which did make me rebel, I would drink with my friends from about 15 and lost my virginity at that age. I tried to get out of the house as much as possible as the atmosphere was genuinely awful growing up, lots of tension and my sister and I constantly being put down. My dad is a doormat and let him happen.
Things that happened to me age 11-18 (when I moved out for uni) that make me not want her involved with my child due August:-
- told I was fat at 11 and put on a 1000 calorie a day diet. Forced to be weighed once a week in front of both her and my dad. To be fair I was a little chubby, but at 11 it was puppy fat and no fault of my own as I ate all my meals at home.
- at 14 I developed bulimia in the binge/purge form. I was very depressed and felt empty so used to eat until I felt full and then make myself sick. Awful I know I told her and my dad about it and they said 'stupid girl why would you do that?' and never followed it up. it continued until I was 18 and moved out, managed to beat it alone.
- self harmed during this period also. Mum saw a scar once and said 'bloody hell you'll get carted off to the loony bin', again that was it and never mentioned again.
- told I was a 'slut' recently (I have had 5 relationships in my life, 3 serious. I have had sex with 4 different people, all people I have been in a relationship with.)
- many similar instances with my sister and dad, generally putting them down. She used to say I had a nice face but was fat and my sister is skinny but ugly. She constantly comments on people's weight and appearance including strangers. She even says things like 'that is the ugliest baby in the world' which makes me worry for when my child is born.
- always being told I'm not good enough despite getting 10 GCSES at A grade, good A-levels and ending up at a top 10 UK uni.
The big thing - told her I was pregnant in January. She isn't happy about it because I'm unmarried and we aren't homeowners - the baby wasn't planned but we are so happy about it, I thought I couldn't have kids and the pregnancy is going well. I'm due in August. We have the money and love to support this child and will do so well, I am sure. I am in the best place I ever have been mentally, despite all these family problems. However she has hardly spoken to me. My dad is excited and was looking through my gender scan photos after I told him we're having a girl, commenting 'oh what a cute little foot!' 'oh look at her perfect nose!' and showing my mum, who literally turned her nose up and commented 'can't even tell what it is' and left the table.
My partner cant stand her and says I need to cut her out, but it's difficult because I'm so close to my sister (who still lives in parents house) and I love my dad - despite all this I do love my mum but I just worry for the sake of my child. I attribute a lot of my self confidence problems and mental health strain to her. I might be wrong but I truly believe she is one of the root causes. I don't want this for my child, I don't want her picking out all my beautiful girl's flaws. I know it won't matter as much until the baby is maybe 3 and understands, but I don't trust my mum. I don't know what to do. The situation is making me miserable
Your mother is a cunt. You may not want to say it, but I will. She was an abusive, bullying cunt when you were growing up and she will be an abusive, bullying cunt to your wee child.
She's already started with her comment regarding your sex scan photo. Do you trust this women not to point out to your wee child that she is 'illegitimate' as if it's a dirty thing? Do you want her telling her that she would be pretty if only she wasn't XYZ?
I can understand that you want to see your father, but what kind if father stands by while his daughters are being emotionally abused? You realise that he will never stick up for his granddaughter? If you do continue seeing them, you will have to find your inner strength and COMPLETELY shut down, even the hint of a derogatory comment regarding your child. That needs to start now, not just when your baby is born.
Congratulations for getting your life sorted, in spite of your abusive childhood. Congratulations on your wee baby. 💐
You've already answered your own question, you don't trust the woman so do not expose your child to her. Your child will pick up on it much earlier than 3 years old, she'll pick how you are feeling she will know when you are stressed out or upset.
Go low contact with her if you can't face no contact and get therapy you need emotional support. Just because she gave birth to you does not entitle her to treat you like crap, you can walk away from it. Have a look on the relationship threads there is one on there regarding difficult mothers.
Congratulations on your pregnancy don't let her over shadow it for you x
You could always invite your dad and sister to visit your dd at your house? In your situation i wouldnt ever let mum meet your dd.
Break the cycle of abuse op, your DD deserves so much better
If you don't trust her now, you will feel a million times stronger about it when your baby arrives. give yourself permission to cut contact. She adds nothing to your life and there's a strong chance her comments and behaviour could be actively damaging to your precious baby.
You sound amazing op.. Do not let her spoil your life.
I'm always interested in how these people end up like this, what was your grandmother like? is it learned behaviour?
I think you really need to talk to a therapist if you can. As well as reading up on ways to handle her. It can be tempting to think that a terrible parent will suddenly discover their heart has grown on the arrival of a grandchild, but even then, they should be the ones showing that they've changed. If you do go no contact, and your dad and sister start to try to force you to reconcile, please think about going low contact with them too. For now, build up a team to support you who you can rely on.
You know that your baby is worth much more than this. It is a tiny journey to understand that you are too. You're just as worthy and great and important as your little one and you deserved and deserve better.
OP, both my parents were similarly abusive. I developed anorexia at about the same age as you delevoped bulimia. My father in particular used to tell me I was a fat slut (size 8 at the time) and neigh like a horse (something to do with me having my nose in the trough) everytime I brought a fork to my mouth.
I was always told how plain I was. My sister was pretty, but I was "plain". I would also never amount to anything, unsupported with my education (I don't mean financially, I couldn't have given a toss about this).
And when I fell pregnant with our planned DD I was stupid.
There were other things too but those are our similar points.
I chose my mother to be my second birth partner and after an overnight labour she left the hospital literally two minutes after DD arrived because she was tired and had work in another 48 hours' time.
I think this was the beginning of the end for me. She met DD one other time, and after another set of abusive circumstances I went no contact with my entire family (I wasn't allowed to pick and choose), swearing my DD would never feel what I was made to feel about myself. Nearly 18 months later I've never looked back.
I'm the happiest I've ever been and am finally making a real success of my life.
Whilst this path may not be ideal for you and your child you have to find the path that is, even if it's a compromise as PP have suggested such as your father and sister visit you, or even sit down with your mother and tell her how you felt growing up. Be honest in that you don't want your child feeling that way and at the first sign you will drop contact.
Once you've chosen your path, stick to it, be happy in your decision and live your life.
OP your mum sounds a lot like my mum. My mum's negative attitude to mine and my sister's weight stems from her own anorexia. At 17 I told her it was at least 50% her fault that my sis was bulimic. She did not take that well. My sis is so fucked up in the head and has married 2 complete losers who have abused her. I'm NC due to her drug abuse.
I like you eventually rose above it. My mum still tells me I'm fat and I just completely ignore her. She had a go at me on the phone today about how I'm not allowed to put on more than 15kgs this pregnancy and not be the fat cow I was last pregnancy putting on 22kgs. I told her to piss off, I would put on as much weight as my body put on and there would be nothing I could do about it. My mum is a feeder, she fills my cupboards and fridge with the most fattening food. I think she enjoys belittling me and it gives her pleasure.
I have a DS so I'm not too worried about her influence on food. If this current one is a girl then I will be very careful about my mum and fat comments. I'm not having her fuck up my children's heads like she did ours.
she sounds jealous and bitter, like she cant bear that your baby might have attention that could be focused on her. At the end of the day you have to protect your baby girl - she is the most important person in this. she has the right to grow up without the crap you went through. if your dad has anything about him, he'll stand up and say 'i'll see my grandchild anyway' and if he doesn't then I'm afraid he's just as bad as her but in a different way.
therapy is a good idea - you don't necessarily need to go no contact but it can help you to disengage emotionally and look at her behaviour as a symptom of the sad, angry person she is - it could help take away her power over you.
are your partner's family supportive? if they are, lean on them and on your friends instead. I know a few people who have this kind of horrible relationship with their mothers and it's so sad and makes me feel so angry on their behalf.
One of my dearest friends had a very similar relationship with her mother growing up. Becoming s mother herself was the catalyst that made my friend finally go no contact with her mum; she realized she didn't want this poison seeing into her perfect, innocent child's life.
Make a stand now, OP. it will take lots of courage. It sounds like your partner will be supportive. You need to be frank with your father and sister about why you're doing it and make them strictly adhere to your rules about not sharing any info about you and bay with your mum, on the warning they will be out of your life too.
Your partner is right as are your instincts to protect your child from the abuse you suffered.
There is a risk that if she sees the baby, even if you are "visiting dad" and despite her studied lack of interest, she actually gets that warm knot in the stomach that newborns can trigger in the most surprising people. The last thing you want is your selfish mother actually getting attached and interested in your baby, it will become hell on earth. If you see your father, see him in prearranged public places like coffee shops so if you are ambushed by her tagging along you can leave.
If your father tries to pressure you into letting your mother see the baby, remind yourself of his collusion in your abuse; he may be better than your vile mother but he wasn't good enough.
Much of this echoes my own childhood; the weighing, the insults, lack of care, emotional abuse, emotional neglect. When I look back at childhood pictures (there are a handful) there is no 'fat pig' of a child - I look no different to my siblings.
I confronted my dad once and he said 'you had everything you needed except love' and he genuinely couldn't see what was wrong with that.
I will allow my newborn DD to have a very supervised relationship with my parents and I would suggest you do the same OP. I will also make sure that my wonderful daughter knows how beautiful, strong, capable and brilliant is and raise her to be confident in her own skin. Her inner voice will tell her how amazing she is not how disgusting she is.
Your hurt will never go away but you can make it different for your child. Don't let them influence her.
Join the discussion
Please login first.