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to drop this friend?

(63 Posts)
CatCafe Tue 28-Feb-17 19:06:44

We have been friends for about 15 years. Drifted in closeness due to living an hour away from each other but still remained in touch via text. I recently moved to the town she lives in.

Since I have moved we have seen alot more of each other which was nice. Around the same time I moved she broke up with her long term boyfriend and my partner and I made an effort to include her in alot of our plans so that she wasn't at home feeling fed up while she was getting over it. I also helped out with bringing her shopping and giving her lifts as she doesn't drive and her boyfriend would normally have helped with this.

Time has gone on and I've seen a bit less of her- she doesn't join my partner and I for a drink any more and has started dating again which is great and I'm happy she is moving on.

Over the past couple of months though, I have come to realise I only really hear from her when she needs something. She'll invite me for coffee before she starts work, knowing this will result in a lift into town for her. If she doesn't ask me directly for a lift she will just message and say "omg i have so much to do today, i cant believe I'll need to trek to X/Y/Z on the bus." If I (purposely) don't pick up on her hint she will call me and ask me for a lift, barely even says please or thankyou. She called me once a couple of weeks ago asking me to make a 3 hour round trip with my son in towe to save her getting the train back from her one night stand.

I was going to visit a relative in intensive care last week and she asked if I could run a couple of errands for her before I went, didnt ask after relative and barely commented when i replied my car was off the road.

The final straw was yesterday, I hadn't heard from her all week after she had been on a spa weekend with her new man so I text her to ask how it went and if she had a good time. She replied asking if my car was back on the road yet and would i pick her up from the train station. When I said no as the car was still out of action she didn't reply until later that night when she practically demanded that I interrupt my Sunday dinner with DPs parents to get her a takeaway and take it to her house because her ex was delivering so she couldn't face seeing him. I was pissed off by then and just turned my phone off. When I switched it back on there were more messages badgering me plus a pointed facebook status hinting at me to bring her food.

It takes me all my strength to reply that I'm not a fucking skivvy.

Should I tell her to fuck off? She has the skin of a Rhino so I don't know what i could say to make her see that this isnt on. I feel like i'm just a replacement car service since her ex can't ferry her around any more.

AyeAmarok Tue 28-Feb-17 19:12:14

Just stop replying to her messages where she's making unreasonable demands.

ItWentInMyEye Tue 28-Feb-17 19:40:16

Just let her go, there's no reciprocation. I'm sure there are other people much more worthy of your time and worry.

beebeecee Tue 28-Feb-17 19:42:40

Genuinely baffled that these people exist.
YANBU

ImperialBlether Tue 28-Feb-17 19:43:23

Ignore, block, delete. She thinks you are a taxi driver, not a friend.

AntiHop Tue 28-Feb-17 19:43:47

It sounds like you already know the answer to your question. Yanbu.

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes Tue 28-Feb-17 19:44:03

Ditch the bitch. Seriously. You've become her bitch. I do anything I can to help a friend in need but I draw the line at exploitation.

wobblywonderwoman Tue 28-Feb-17 19:45:03

These people do exist sadly. Very spoiled behaviour..

I wouldn't have a huge fallout but a few stock phrases 'sorry that doesn't work for me' is a good one recommended on here.

RortyCrankle Tue 28-Feb-17 19:46:49

Ignore her calls or just say no - that's not convenient for me.

CoraPirbright Tue 28-Feb-17 19:48:26

Ditch!! Do you want to rescue any kind of friendship? If not, how about replying to her next demand "NO. I am sick of you treating me like your personal taxi/delivery service. I thought we were friends but you are just using me. Don't contact me again". That should do it?!

ApproachingATunnel Tue 28-Feb-17 20:00:01

These ppl exist because there are ppl who enable them and obey the orders! Just tell her to get a fucking taxi next time.
I'd drop her without second thoughts unless you are actually enjoying all of this.

thymeandplaice Tue 28-Feb-17 20:04:15

But you didn't actually pick her up from her one night stand,did you?!
I think you've been far too accommodating and she now thinks she can walk all over you.

bumsexatthebingo Tue 28-Feb-17 20:10:16

You could ditch her or you could just stop behaving like her skivvy. If she calls you expecting a lift just say you can't because you're doing X. Even if you don't have anything on you can have a load of laundry to catch up on or something. See if she's still willing to put any effort int the friendship. If not then you have your answer.

sonjadog Tue 28-Feb-17 20:16:53

I would back off for a while. I think the dramatic "don´t contact me" statements are usually unnecessary and unneeded. Just don´t react to requests for you to do stuff for her unless it suits you. Don´t reply. She´ll find someone else to ask for favours, and in six months or so you will be less fed up about it all and might want to rekindle the friendship, but on a more even level.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 28-Feb-17 20:21:28

She a user, distance yourself, ignore her messages. She us a drain, she takes and never gives by the sounds of things.

IamFriedSpam Tue 28-Feb-17 20:24:52

Bloody hell I have no idea how people go round acting like this! I would just stop making the effort to contact her and definitely refuse all lift requests.

PenelopeFlintstone Tue 28-Feb-17 20:35:02

Before you ditch her, what's her reaction if you ask her for a favour? You probably don't need to often but how about asking her as a bit of a test? If she's happy to help you when you need it, she could be worth keeping and that it's just one-way at the moment due to both your circumstances.

foxyloxy78 Tue 28-Feb-17 20:42:59

Detach yourself. She's a user and no point having her in your life.

haveacupoftea Tue 28-Feb-17 21:36:48

I have a friend a bit like this. I detached myself a lot and now only see her when it suits me. She is using you and its time to step back - the takeaway thing was way too much.

CatCafe Tue 28-Feb-17 22:05:25

Thanks all, at first I didn't mind too much- she was going through a breakup and needed company and some help. I have said no a number of times now- with genuine reasons like not actually having the car or doing the school run although to be fair I am fed up enough that I'd have made excuses anyway even if I had not been busy.

I did not traipse my son on a three hour trip to pick her up.

She seems to think that just because I am not in work at the moment that I'm twiddling my thumbs all day and have nothing better to do. I have a partner and a child to look after and a house to keep as well as keeping in touch with what's happening at work as i'm on medical leave atm.

It doesn't seem to matter how many times I turn her down, either because i am busy or on the occassions I have grown a backbone and just said "no way", it doesn't deter her from asking me the next time. It's at least three times a week, usually more.

I don't want a dramatic "stop contacting me" conversation or a fallout, but if I simply ignore her messages she rings me incessantly. I'd switch my phone off but I need it during the day for other things and i don't see why I should.

I guess I known I'm not being unreasonable, she did do some work for me about a year ago, to the value of about £100 which she refused to let me pay for. I paid her back in kind though, have treated her to coffee, paid for a concert ticket and dont charge her for lifts when i give them but I don't think I should be forever in her debt because of one piece of work.

I don't ask her for favours generally because I don't need anything from her and I do suspect she'd be evasive about it.

beebeecee Tue 28-Feb-17 23:15:17

This certainly isn't the picture you painted in your OP.

for that reason I think you ABU.

CatCafe Tue 28-Feb-17 23:17:25

What do you mean beebee?

PuddleJumper01 Tue 28-Feb-17 23:46:13

Years and years ago I did some admin work for an IT guy and in return he gave me a computer. So I worked for him for a couple of years for free, until I plucked up the courage and asked him when he thought the computer would be paid for. After that, he paid me for the work i did for him (on said computer).

I agree with Penelope... ask her to meet you for a coffee/drink/whatever - a meet up which is purely social. That's the first test... will she come and spend some time with you for the pleasure of each other's company?
If she does, ask for help with something only she can help with.

If she does both happily, then I think you should continue to help her when you can.

If not, then quietly drop...

Willow2016 Wed 01-Mar-17 00:00:29

beebeecee

Whats different in the 2nd post?
Asking for lifts, favours 3 times a week just cos she cant be bothered to take the bus herself etc? Pestering someone to do something that they have already said no to? Thats not what a friend does.

Asking someone to drag their child on a 3 hour round trip to pick you up cos you cant be bothered to get the train? Really?

OP is signed off work for medical reasons not to be her personal taxi.

Trollspoopglitter Wed 01-Mar-17 00:02:56

So pick up the phone and say "let me guess, you want a lift somewhere again". Then say "no." And don't tell her why, just "no, honestly... This is just too much. You only ring when you want something."

Presto. She stops ringing all the time.

Not hard. It really isn't. Just take lessons from your friend.

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