to not want to see my ex!(15 Posts)
I was in a relationship with someone who I thought was the one. thought my life was solved was ready for marriage kids and a life with him.
He broke up with me just under a year ago. I had some jealousy issues (just with one particular girl in our friendship group). He is now with her. They slept together three weeks after we broke up.
She did some, as I view it, smug and soul sucking things during that time, like fostering a relationship and friendship with me. "how are you doing today after seeing him...?, Aw sorry, he's such a dick sometimes." Meanwhile being with him. We were not good friends to begin with, because I felt he put her above me.
Early on in our relationship I questioned her staying at his house, AGAIN. We got in an argument and he called me by her name. I tried to leave that night but he physically wouldnt let me leave the house. We stayed together for another year after that point. I wish he had let me leave then rather than waiting to break my heart later on.
After I found out about them I was really struggling with depression, am now in therapy. Seeing them was awful, I'd be crying at work, distraught.
Taking some learning from that, I have not run into them since November, that's intentional. and have made it clear I don't want to be 'friends' with either of them.
This is kind of tricky as we all share a hobby with a tight knit group of friends, as well as competitive members at the hobby.
I am competing this weekend and trying to get practice hours in. For the first time in months, they are going to be there on Wednesday.
My problem is that I have horrible self esteem when I think of them together because He decided that she was better than me in every way. Since I don't respect her, that makes me look at my self as lower than low. because I wasn't good enough for him.
This Wed will be the first time I will see either of them since Nov. I have to go to practice. But I REALLY don't want to.
everyone is telling me to get over it and just go. But I am worried about getting back to the same level of depression as before. Furthermore, I am still single, and I feel that they are smug that he won and got a gf immediately while I struggled.
Would IBU to not go and let down three people I need to practice with before the competition?
Go. Hold your head up.
He didn't realise she was "better than you in every way", he realised he wasn't good enough for you so dumbed down to his own level - plenty of my ex's have done the same thing ;-)
You've moved on, you know you can do better and you will do. Refuse to give them head space, it's really not worth it (easier said than done I know).
Go, tell the people you're practicing with that it's going to be hard for you and let them support you.
You will probably find you manage to get through it without actually letting them see how much they've hurt you, and you might well feel that you've achieved something huge afterwards. But if they or anyone else does see you upset, then that wouldn't say anything bad about you anyway, it's normal to feel upset when you're confronted with people who have treated you like this.
It may well hurt, but it's hurt before and you've survived. Try and think of this as a step on the journey to you being free from hurting over your ex.
Thank you, That is a much better way of looking at it.
Part of my issue is that I put a lot of value on relationships, I am going to struggle to be truely happy if I'm not in love and on track to a life long relationship, regardless of having to show off my singleness. So It is difficult to face them knowing that I've failed in that respect.
Also If I mess up in my practice, they will see, where as I can usually laugh it off, I don't want to be judged by them and give them any plus points at all.
You were TOO GOOD FOR HIM. Think of it like that instead
I would tread carefully here and perhaps not go. Your self esteem has been destroyed. You need to build that back up and feel confident in yourself before facing them I think. Your own mental health is paramount and if you don't feel ready, you're probably not ready.
Never mind him, she sounds like a right little shit. You are better than them because you are a decent person. Saying that, I would be ' selfish 'and not go, I'm not of the hold your head up high, because that acknowledges them, and, fuck them. I think above all else, never mind your current hobby, I think you need to get a hobby of working on your self-esteem.
Honestly I don't think there's a way, from what you say, of you not being upset, and regardless of them, and what they might think, it won't do you any good. I think you would dwell on it right ? Despite your best efforts and motivational words. Your hobby partners, if aware of the situation, must be understanding. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be if they were a true friend, or even decent acquaintance.
If you do want to go, could you take a couple of friends to watch and support and go out for a nice meal afterwards ?
I agree with Moustache, she sounds like a proper piece of work
It seems you lost a lot in that breakup. Hopes and dreams for the future.
Don't let either of them take anything else from you and that includes your hobby and relationships with other friends.
It sounds like you're doing really well and building yourself back up so why let them take your hobby from you?
Also rightly or wrongly other people have a limited shelf life for other people's relationship issues. If you let these mutual friends down, at some point they could pull away from you as they don't want that break up which to them as it was almost a year ago will seem like long enough ago to be "over it" to affect them.
It may not be nice but it's often the case that what ultimately causes mutual friends to take sides is how the sides handle it
One of the reasons I went into therapy for the last 6 months is because I had got to a point where I could feel family and friends pull away from my grief. I have tried not to lean on them too much for it since then and they've all complemented me on being happier in my self.
But they've given me some tough love too about them. confirming that he did love me and that he was sad about the break up (It is maybe easier for me to believe that he never loved me and is totally evil than to imagine he'd throw away anything we had for her). And have been careful to correct me if the conversation turns to cheating or people leaving people for the OW/OM. That that wasn't the case, even though I was suspicious the whole time we were together and then the second I am out of the picture they happen to fall into eachother's arms. FROM THE START I said I felt like a stop gap between them and he refused to accept this. Now it turns out I was right! Bastards.
Anyway friends say that that's not the case and that every man I'm with will have female friends and you can't go into your next relationship like that. I don't think I'll ever get over this fear. I will never be secure in a relationship where I have to trust someone not to betray me.
Ah fuck it maybe I'll freeze my eggs. I'm never going to meet someone.
sorry ranting. nervous about tonight. feeling shitting about my life.
OP, he physically prevented you from leaving his home? That's abusive behaviour. It sounds like you dodged a bullet?
Chloe You're right. there were many things wrong in our relationship.
However, more worrying is that loss of my dreams I was in a relationship that I could of had a marriage and children from.
and now I have nothing. And they have eachother. I feel desperation to get on with my life and resent wasting my life with him when I could be pregnant by now.
Hi OP, sorry this has happened to you. No real advice on the situation tonight but didn't want to read and run.
I have a friend who is going through something similar and it is so painful to watch. Please please let friends and family know you are still struggling - you can still lean on them you really can, they won't mind. I am sometimes very busy and can't always be there for my friend in need but I try to when she needs me (and I know she has other support) - do reach out to them.
Also, I am a great believer in 'everything happens for a reason' - I know that may sound daft and you can't see the way forward now but you will find happiness.
Good luck OP xx
Thank you so much for all your kind replies. xxxx
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