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to decide to 'save' my bereavement leave for the funeral rather than visiting before?

(34 Posts)
Iris65 Tue 28-Feb-17 17:21:31

DP's family live in another European country. FIL is gravely ill and not expected to live more than a few days. DP has said he doesn't feel the need to visit as we saw them about a month ago bit he will go if I want to. His family have said that they would love to see us.Visiting involves a one hour flight and two hour train journey.
I have limited leave and can only take three days for close family bereavement. I can't decide whether to visit now or to save my leave for the funeral.
Back story is DP hadn't seen or had any contact with his family for 12 years until very recently when I asked to meet them. He just didn't feel the need to be in touch, no conflict or drama.
What would be best: go now or go to the funeral?

PlayOnWurtz Tue 28-Feb-17 17:24:56

Save it for the funeral

Aderyn2016 Tue 28-Feb-17 17:25:20

I think you should do what your dp wants. It is his father, after all

MrsTwix Tue 28-Feb-17 17:26:32

Personally if I had a choice between saying goodbye to a person or saying goodbye to a body in a coffin, I'd go for the person.

However if your DP doesn't want to go now then that's his choice not yours.

Iris65 Tue 28-Feb-17 18:54:01

The thing is he says that if I want to go then he will go!

NapQueen Tue 28-Feb-17 18:55:07

Cant you fly late after work friday and come home sunday afternoon?

Wolfiefan Tue 28-Feb-17 18:56:05

But it's his father. Not yours. I would do what he wants. Or can you go on days off/take annual leave? I wouldn't expect to use bereavement time ahead of a bereavement if that makes sense.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 28-Feb-17 18:57:17

If he feels he has made his peace and that there is no more to be said, save for the funeral.

If there are things he needs to deal with, issues or unsaid stuff, see if he really wants to go and is wanting you to be the excuse...

Jazzywazzydodah Tue 28-Feb-17 18:57:49

Leave it till the funeral. As you will be in a dilemma if he passes and you can't get the time off to support your dh

Iggi999 Tue 28-Feb-17 19:01:20

Your dh does sound a bit, well, detached or there is more to it - not the visiting now part but the not visiting for 12 years if there was no fall out.
He can go without you surely if you need to say leave up.

Atenco Tue 28-Feb-17 19:02:56

Obviously this is his call, but in my family we believed in saying goodbye while the loved one is still alive. Neither my sister or brother were able to attend our mum's funeral because they used up their free time travelling to visit her in hospital.

Iris65 Tue 28-Feb-17 19:10:15

My DP has Aspergers which is why he is detached, but is very happy to socialise and visit if I am with him.
The compromise is that if my FIL is still with us at the weekend then we'll fly out Friday.

ChasedByBees Tue 28-Feb-17 19:13:31

I think as the family would love to see you, I'd go. Would his father be aware you were there? It could mean so much to him.

Gildedcage Tue 28-Feb-17 20:13:23

If this were my dad I would want to be there to say goodbye. His dad won't know if he's at the funeral but this could be the last time he sees his dad alive. I'd go.

Lapinlapin Tue 28-Feb-17 20:23:46

I actually think you should go.

RainbowPastel Tue 28-Feb-17 20:33:31

Are you entitled to leave? I have only ever been allowed it for a parent, child or sibling. In laws wouldn't count where I have worked.

If you are able I would go now as you and your DP might regret it.

RainbowPastel Tue 28-Feb-17 20:36:40

Missed out spouse too.

TheAtheist Tue 28-Feb-17 20:52:38

Really? You'd prefer to save you leave for the funeral, rather than actually saying goodbye to the person while still alive?

Each to their own and all that, but that is seriously odd thinking in my book.

TheAtheist Tue 28-Feb-17 20:53:58

Just out of interest, how would you feel if your child felt that way about you at the end of your life?

I'd be absolutely heartbroken.

Iris65 Tue 28-Feb-17 21:21:34

My DP has Aspergers which means that he sees the world differently to others and has a more pragmatic view of relationships and family than most people.
I don't mean to dripfeed but we did drop everything and take a flight to visit a month ago when FIL was gravely ill and not expected to survive Thankfully he did and we were pleased to see him and him us.
If we had unlimited opportunity and money of course we would go, but we haven't and my DP (who is out of the country himself right now) has now said that he'd use his limited time and money to go to the funeral. He said this after I rang him this evening and suggested thta maybe we should go - even though they'd probably dock my pay!
(I do have a son myself who I see very little of and to be honest I would want him to do what is best for him - whatever the impact on me. I am his parent but that doesn't mean that I get to call the shots for the rest of his life. Not that this is the case woth my FIL of course! Its just how I feel.)

TheAtheist Tue 28-Feb-17 21:31:35

I could totally understand a detached relationship situation in which your DP didn't feel the need to go and say goodbye full stop.

It just seems really odd that given a choice between saying goodbye to the actual person, or saying goodbye to the coffin, he is choosing the latter.

Why would he go to the funeral, when the actual person didn't mean enough to him to go and say goodbye?

TheAtheist Tue 28-Feb-17 21:34:14

None of my business though OP, you must do what you feel best. Sorry you're in this situation though flowers

Iris65 Tue 28-Feb-17 21:38:53

I did ring him and say that I thought we should go but he feels that he said goodbye when we saw his Dad a month ago.
I'm not sure why he has chosen the funeral rather than visiting now. He does find emotionally charged situations hard to deal with and gets anxious. The way that someone with ASD thinks can be very different to the way that neurotypicals think and feel is the only sense I can make of it.
The posts here have helped me to make a decision but when I suggested it he was quite clear - so the thread has helped!

Iris65 Tue 28-Feb-17 21:42:34

Thanks TheAtheist I have been crying on and off since I got the email and phone call as DP's family couldn't get hold of him.
They are lovely by the way and know and understand my DP so well - despite not seeing him for 12 years. They were so pleased to meet us.

intheknickersoftime Tue 28-Feb-17 21:48:47

I think your partner is instinctively choosing a route which is the most practical and least painful which is an emotional survival choice to get him through a tough time. Going to see his dying father will be immensely difficult but I think you should encourage him to think about going.

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