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To be scared to leave DS with FIL + MIL

(180 Posts)
PassTheCake82 Tue 28-Feb-17 14:07:43

Some background....

Since DS was born 8 weeks ago, my FIL has been quite vocal with his opinions parenting. For example, I had a lot of issues with breastfeeding - I had an emergency c section and issues with supply as well as LO suffering from (undiagnosed at the time) silent reflux and tongue tie. Throughout this v difficult time, he was constantly advising myself and DP to bottle feed. Eventually, we had no other option.but to as the LO was losing weight and BF eventually petered out. I was absolutely gutted and decided that in order to still foster a close bond, I would limit feeding to myself and DP for the first 12 weeks. FIL did not know this and proceeded to pick up a bottle and feed him one day. I thought this was way out of line and DP has since told him that we would prefer to limit feeding to us. Needless to say he has been very vocal about this as well, commenting for example that, 'anyone.should be able to feed DS'. I realise this is quite an old school, cultural thing but I really don't agree with it. Since then, I've also had comments criticising the medical treatment DS receives for his reflux etc ro the point that it's really causing tension and making me feel like I just don't want to be around them.

It all.came to a head the other day when they were round and he kept trying to give DS a dummy. DS was crying but rather than offer a dummy to soothe him, FIL held it in his mouth, leaving him no choice but to take it. It was awful. This made me feel sick, I just wanted to grab DS from him. MIL said nothing and obviously saw no issue with it so I decided to leave the room briefly to think what to do. When.I returned, DS was still crying - although stifled by the dummy - and so I just said, "he's obviously not liking that" and said I'd take him to feed him. I didn't make it obvious that I wasn't happy although I wish I had. I did tell DP however who agreed that this was wrong. Aaaaanyway...I now feel reluctant to leave DS in their company for any more than 10 mins! AIBU? They live nearby and are always offering to help/look after DS and MIL has always been someone I've looked up to as a mum but leaving DS with FIL makes me feel v uneasy. It's also causing tension between myself andand DP as I do not have this issue with my own mum.

Summer70 Tue 28-Feb-17 14:14:44

Their behaviour is not acceptable. His is your DS & big decisions such as feeding & whether to use a dummy are down to you & your DH. However, you really don't want to fall out with local in laws, so I would try & engage them (with your dh taking the lead ) in what you will & won't accept. Might feel a little uncomfortable but better to set boundaries sooner rather than later. Good luck.

pigsDOfly Tue 28-Feb-17 14:21:57

Remember this is your baby you're talking about, not theirs. They've done their parenting their way, now you do your parenting your way.

I'm a grandmother, I would neither want nor expect to have such a young baby in my care, babies of that age should be with their mothers.

You really need to make a stand, I know it's hard, but if you bite your tongue now and let them do things you're not happy with it'll only get worse as your baby gets older.

They're interfering, you and your DP need too make it clear you're in charge and what you say goes. FIL particularly, sound most unpleasant and needs telling that that's not the way it's going to happen with your baby.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork Tue 28-Feb-17 14:24:36

I don't really see what he did wrong...he gave a hungry baby a bottle, you hadn't said that no-one else was allowed to feed him so how was he to know that? And he gave a baby who uses a dummy a dummy when crying. That is pretty normal for anyone to do.

I imagine there is backstory but I think you're going OTT here on the evidence given.

Rixera Tue 28-Feb-17 14:25:11

Forcing the dummy in his mouth is just appalling, poor baby!

Definitely make it very clear what you consider acceptable- calm, making statements that can't be argued with; 'actually only DP and I are going to feed DS.' or 'other people don't give DS his dummy, only DP and I make that decision.'

I had to do that with my boundary-crossing family and repetition & refusal to discuss is what it takes. Your job as DS's mother is to ensure his needs are met. Being polite, pacifying the in-laws, nothing else matters as much as your son being looked after to your standards. You have the right now to tell them how you think things should be done, and they have to respect your opinion as you are his mother.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 28-Feb-17 14:25:24

Take deep breaths and speak out for your ds. These early weeks are the foundation for the whole gp relationship for years to come. . Your dc your way. All the way. Never mind their feelings tbh. Yours are way more important. .

Hoppinggreen Tue 28-Feb-17 14:25:41

While I don't think that the feeding this was terrible and although forcing a baby to have. Dummy isn't great I don't think that they have done anything really bad.
Having said that though this is YOUR baby and your rules so if you only what things done a certain way then that is absolutely your prerogative

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 28-Feb-17 14:26:14

Easy enough to not have a dummy on hand to stick in baby's mouth. Are they likely to buy their own?

You decide when you're happy to leave your baby with a sitter.

Batteriesallgone Tue 28-Feb-17 14:27:05

Hes tiny! 8 weeks! No one should be putting pressure on you to leave him he's your baby, not theirs.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork Tue 28-Feb-17 14:27:19

The other thing is its really unfair to them (or anyone) to get really upset at things they do and tell other people but not them. They are not mind readers, they don't know your wishes when you refuse to communicate them.
No doubt that there will be endless posts about your baby your rules and how awful the PILs are, but you haven't told them your rules, you're just complaining to the entire rest of the world that they have broken them!

Purplebluebird Tue 28-Feb-17 14:28:49

They are being unreasonable, however - they might be perfectly fine looking after your son when he's a few years older. I couldn't leave DS with MIL, as she would've left him to cry, which I am very passionately against. However once he didn't need naps anymore, I could and she is fantastic with him! She is gentle and kind, and he loves her. He's almost 3 now.

ShuttyTown Tue 28-Feb-17 14:30:03

I think you're a being a bit PFB about only allowing yourself and DH to feed him for the first 12 weeks. It really won't affect any bond you have with him.

Kr1stina Tue 28-Feb-17 14:30:06

What pigs said. Get your DP to talk to them about it , it's his problem . And don't let them look after baby if they can't do it your way.

OldGuard Tue 28-Feb-17 14:30:37

Unacceptable in that he is forcing his views on you and your dh and your baby - forcing a dummy in a mouth for a Baby who doesn't want it is horrible - you need to fix this now as will only get worse - no way I'd be leaving my child with him - if mil can come to you to help without him that might be better option

BertrandRussell Tue 28-Feb-17 14:31:39

Did he know that you didn't want anyone else to feed him? And did he know that you didn't want him to have a dummy?

If he did, then wildly out of order. If he didn't, then it would be wildly out of order if he does it again.

Osirus Tue 28-Feb-17 14:31:47

Just because they offer, you don't have to leave your baby with them at all at the moment. My DD is 8 months and has only been left with my mother, and not very often or for long. I don't feel comfortable leaving her with MIL yet.

Pinotwoman82 Tue 28-Feb-17 14:32:02

Whilst I agree the dummy incident isn't on. I'm not to sure what the problem was about him picking up a bottle and feeding your DS?
I know my FIL absolutely loved feeding my DS and used to get a bit emotional about it, as he loved babies, I wouldn't in a million years have objected him feeding DS, as if we only saw them once a week it would only be one bottle out of hundreds that week!

OldGuard Tue 28-Feb-17 14:35:43

The first 12 weeks exclusive feeding is completely reasonable and not pfb at all - if that what needs to happen for you to feel cLose etc then go for it -

I had similar issues with my second child and it was important to me - of course other people could feed my child without any harm coming to her sure - but that's no where near the point - it's about bonding and learning and working out your relationship without interference or judgement or others imposing their will

PassTheCake82 Tue 28-Feb-17 14:37:16

Sorry, should have been more clear. FIL did not know at the time about my wishes re bottle feeding but he does now yet still criticizes the decision. I have no objection at all to DS being OFFERED a dummy. I do object to it being forced in his mouth when he is distressed.

EmeraldScorn Tue 28-Feb-17 14:37:25

Oh another over anxious wife blaming the parents-in-law for doing something that they weren't aware they weren't supposed to do!

How is anyone meant to follow invisible rules? If you don't tell someone the rules they can't respect said rules. I don't think your father-in-law did anything wrong and to be honest I can see you creating much bigger problems as the years develop.

You sound like hard work and really difficult, I have a sister-in-law like you and to be honest I don't bother with her because she's always over the top and turns nothing into something.

You're looking for faults and being beyond precious, I'd give you a very wide berth!

TheFullMrexit Tue 28-Feb-17 14:37:38

I really dislike sound of dummy being held in I would not be happy about that at all. To be honest I am never keen to close people to down even if they say silly thing's from that from to time, perhaps rude or boundary crossing if I know they also have good information that's likely to help at some point. I have good friend like this, sometimes bloody annoying when he gives his parenting tips however once or twice he has given absolute gems so I put up with it. Pils on the other hand after eight years I realise are full of utterly crap and would be have no qualms about saying, thanks for the info but we can live without it, cheers but easier all round if you don't but in. Now do you feel, are they going to give you good advice or can dp say thanks but no thanks. No at moment I wouldn't leave baby with fil. I suspect he will disregard any wishes

hatebeak Tue 28-Feb-17 14:37:42

Speak out and tell him no. If you don't have this issue with your mother, it's because she hasn't forced a dummy in your child's mouth. Don't leave your baby with them. Do not feel you have to keep the peace. But you have to make your feelings very clear and say what you expect/want/need.

TheFullMrexit Tue 28-Feb-17 14:39:30

Emerald its quite easy, you ask. Something many Pils seem to have lost the capacity to do. Dil, is it OK if I give him a bottle? Simple.

Batteriesallgone Tue 28-Feb-17 14:40:41

The thing about the dummy incident is that it shows he's not capable of reading baby's cues effectively. Also some people (not saying necessarily the case here, just a possibility) will insist on them 'finding a way' to 'soothe' the baby rather than doing what baby wants which is return them to a parent. It basically means putting their desire to hold the baby over the babies needs. I consider that selfish and wouldn't leave a baby with someone like that.

BertrandRussell Tue 28-Feb-17 14:42:29

"Something many Pils seem to have lost the capacity to do. Dil, is it OK if I give him a bottle? Simple."

Or even "Ds- is it ok if I give him a bottle?" I know that's a radical thought.........

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