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Aibu or is it hormones?

(9 Posts)
Italwaysworksitselfout Tue 28-Feb-17 13:09:26

My dsis is a bit on the insecure side and has to be included in every little detail of everybody's life or she becomes huffy and distant. She needs to be involved in every situation including my friendships or family relations. E.g If we invite dm, df and pils for dinner, you can guarantee she will turn up at the door (empty handed) on the pretence of 'just dropping in' and be the last to leave.
The problem is I'm pregnant with my 4th baby and she has announced she has put her holidays in at work to help me out when the baby comes. The thought fills me with dread. I can only take her in little dozes as she is very needy and has a habit of overstaying her welcome. Dh thinks Im overreacting but I'm getting really anxious about it. I really don't need the help as dh is taking 4 weeks off.
She has already shown her displeasure at my friend getting us the baby item that she wanted to get us and then saying as my sis she should get priority in picking the presents. I'm just grateful that people want to get us presents for the baby!!!! She has now stopped contact with us as she feels 'left out' and not part of our family because I did not let her know how a 5 min routine appointment with the midwife went.

Aibu in not pandering to her needs or are my hormones making the situation worse than what it is?

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 28-Feb-17 13:25:57

"My dsis is a bit on the insecure side and has to be included in every little detail of everybody's life or she becomes huffy and distant."
I would welcome her being huffy and distant, personally.

This has nothing to do with your hormones and everything to do with your sister being a rude overbearing pain in the arse. I absolutely do not see this as a sign of insecurity. (Where did you get that idea from, BTW?) She is not the boss of you, she gets no say WHATSOEVER in your life.

You need to woman up. Had she turned up at my door to a dinner she had not been invited to, I would have told her 'oh dear, not convenient right now, byeee' and shut the door on her. She didn't overstay her welcome - she wasn't actually welcome at all.

And you need to make it absolutely clear that she can rearrange her holidays because you do not need her to help you out. It is your pregnancy, your baby, your home, your life and she can just butt the fuck out of it. All of it. With luck she'll go into a major huff and leave you alone. (Thinking that she's punishing you, but really - not.)

You are not overreacting. She needs to be told to fuck off and stop acting like you're her minion.

tinglyfing Tue 28-Feb-17 13:33:24

Does she not have her own family?

IamFriedSpam Tue 28-Feb-17 13:37:28

She does sound quite manipulative and controlling, is this all just down to insecurity? Either way I would be gentle but firm, you don't need help just then and while she'll of course be welcome to come and visit the new baby you're going to want lots of time with just your nuclear family to incorporate the new baby.

JustSpeakSense Tue 28-Feb-17 13:37:49

Does she have her own children?

I would keep a little distance tbh, and if she sulks and gets huffy just enjoy the break, she's going to have to learn this pregnancy is yours and not hers.

Italwaysworksitselfout Tue 28-Feb-17 13:51:58

She has a dd who's life she tries to control to the point that dn will come to us for respite. She is at college and doing really well but dsis is constantly on at her for being out with friends, studying at the library or working and not being at home. Dn can be a diva and high maintenance but she has learned from the best 😆

Whereyouleftit I have told her to fuk off and grow up but she always comes back 😕 I love her, she's my sis but there is only so much I can take. Dm has not seen her since New Year because she told her to stop meddling in other people's business. Sis' dp always sticks up for her too insisting she means well and just wants to be included.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 28-Feb-17 14:00:44

"Sis' dp always sticks up for her too insisting she means well and just wants to be included."
Well he can fuck off too. Does he 'insist' because he's an enabler reinforcing her behaviour, or because if she's bugging you he's getting some respite? So what if she wants to be included? It is for YOU to decide who you WANT to include, if anyone. And right now, you don't want to include anyone.

Treat her like a toddler. Consistency and firmness. Decide your boundaries and hold to them. And your boundary is, that she is not going to be helping you in the first weeks, your husband is. And repeat. And repeat.

Oh, and put a chain on the door. Front and back.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork Tue 28-Feb-17 14:31:35

I loathe the constant excuse of "hormones" for anything on here. It doesn't even mean anything!

Anyway, if you don't want her there, tell her so. Her huffiness is not your problem. Stop enabling her behaviour and you might see a change in it.

justilou Wed 01-Mar-17 00:02:20

You need to tell her that part of being an adult is that respecting other people people's wishes and needs may be very different to your on, and accepting responsibility for decisions you've made - especially in regards to the wishes and needs of the other person.

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