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To ask for advice on DD being bullied?

(22 Posts)
Mishmashpotatoes Tue 28-Feb-17 11:53:04

DD is 6 and has been having problems with this girl since the start of the year, lets call her Jane. This is going to be a little long so bare with me!

Since the start of the year there has been an incident at least once a week where Jane has shouted, said horrible things, excluding her, making horrible faces etc at DD. She actively seeks DD out. I've always told DD to tell the playground monitor, which she does and according to DD playground monitor just tells Jane not to do it.

It's been getting increasingly worrying as it's starting to cause DD to have breakdowns before going to school, she's been getting stressed at the thought of school that she's getting stomach pains and diarrhea. Crying for no reason at any moment.

It all came to a head last week when DD was at a party and Jane was also there. Towards the end of the party DD comes out in tears wailing so loud that I thought she had badly hurt herself. DD announces loudly that Jane is being mean again, is shouting at her to go away and that she hates DD. Jane's parent or guardian said or done absolutely nothing. Everyone turned around when DD came out so there's no way Jane's parent/guardian never noticed. I'm a lot younger than the other parents so don't interact enough to know who is who otherwise I would have said something at the time.

So I spoke to DD after the party and it turns out Jane has actually hurt or attempted to hurt DD a few times, to which DD told the teacher/monitor each time only or Jane to be told not to do it again.

I called DD's school yesterday to speak to the head, who was actually very angry that it's taken this long to be brought to her attention and admitted that the teacher and monitors should have reported it much sooner. They are going to speak to DD today and her teacher and call me after school.

I just read so many horror stories about schools not actually doing anything so want to be prepared with what questions I should be asking, what they should be doing etc. Thanks if you made it that far!

QuinoaKeen Tue 28-Feb-17 12:07:09

I'm glad the school seem to be taking it seriously.
If their 'solution' works, then great, but I would be keeping a close eye on it, which it sounds like you are already flowers.

Mishmashpotatoes Tue 28-Feb-17 12:12:48

Thank you! x

Gini99 Tue 28-Feb-17 12:16:38

Do you have a copy of their anti-bullying policy? If you can say 'it says in your policy that you will do x' has that been done?' it will help to add focus. Make sure that you stay focused on how it is affecting your DD and how to keep her safe and happy at school, they shouldn't talk to you about consequences for Jane.

I would also take a note of anything that they say they will do and follow it up with an email after the conversation i.e. 'following our discussion today, thank you for explaining the steps that you will be taking. I understand that you will be doing a, b and c'. That then gives a record that they have seen that you can refer back to if things don't improve. I would also keep a dated written record of any future events.

Good luck. My DD had an awful time at the same age and it really affected her.

Mishmashpotatoes Tue 28-Feb-17 12:27:33

I don't have a copy of the anti-bullying policy but will get one. That's brilliant advice and just what I was looking for.

Thanks and I hope your DD eventually got things resolved, it's a horrible thing to see them go through

Aebj Tue 28-Feb-17 12:31:53

Do you have anyone to go with you?
Good luck

MummaBear14 Tue 28-Feb-17 13:08:15

Sounds like the head is taking it seriously. Maybe all this girl needs is talking to about it, by an authority figure. If she gets away with everything else in her life (at home), then she doesn't understand there are consequences to her actions. I hope this is the end of this for your DD, how awful for you both flowers

blubberball Tue 28-Feb-17 13:15:36

My advice is to definitely keep written records of any incidents, with dates and times for when you need to report to the school. If she needs to talk things through, my ds found childline very reassuring, and they can give her further advice. Good luck. Hope it's all sorted soon.

Mishmashpotatoes Tue 28-Feb-17 13:18:07

Unfortunately I don't have anyone to go with me I'm going to start taking notes of everything in case it needs to go further but fingers crossed it does get resolved today. Thanks again everyone

Wolfiefan Tue 28-Feb-17 13:20:16

I would expect the Head to talk to staff so that issues are recorded and dealt with rather than just telling the child to stop it. That includes all staff not just teachers.

TeenAndTween Tue 28-Feb-17 13:20:26

When DD was having issues with another girl they were given separate areas of the playground to play in for a while with a kind of 'no go' area in-between. This meant that were there an incident in the playground it would be clear who had gone into the other's area. I thought it was a good plan and it worked well. I also asked DD to always play near the supervisor for a while too so she was 'in view'.
I suggest you stay and supervise at parties too.

Mishmashpotatoes Wed 01-Mar-17 08:51:09

Hi all,

Sorry for taking so long with an update. Had a busy night what with it being bloody pancake Tuesday.

They spoke to DD yesterday, DD told me they kept asking if she was sure these incidents happened, over and over again.

I then spoke to the head on the phone who said that they don't have any evidence so all the can do is keep an eye on it?!? Does DD need to go in with a black eye before they believe her? It came across as though she didn't believe DD.

I've decided to just move her to another school. We recently moved to a new area and I was very split between moving her to a closer school or keeping her where she is and this has made my decision for me.

Gini99 Wed 01-Mar-17 12:37:06

Hi Mishmash, thanks for the update. Sorry to hear that they dealt with it badly but glad that you have made a decision.

We ended up moving DD at the same age after she had had an awful experience that wasn't dealt with effectively. We left it far too long hoping things would improve and essentially being made to feel PFB about it but when we eventually moved we wished we'd done it straight away. She was instantly so much happier and we felt as if we'd got our daughter back (though it did take longer to work through some of her emotions on what had happened). There were suggestions that it was just us/DD being over sensitive and it would just happen again at any new place and she is our eldest we didn't really know whether we were being unrealistic. Having moved and now being in a school with a completely different ethos, a much more positive culture of respect and kindness and a far more effective approach to bullying, I can now see how poor the original school was but it is hard to see it when you are in it. I do think that if we hadn't moved her it would have had a long term impact on her mental health. She found it really easy to move at age 6 and has really thrived since.

CoraPirbright Wed 01-Mar-17 13:49:28

Hmm so reading between the lines, Jane has denied any wrong-doing and its just your dd's word against hers. Except what about all the times your dd has approached the teacher/playground monitor to complain? Why would she waste her time doing that? Surely that has to be taken into account?

Anyway, I am sure she will thrive when you move her and perhaps the HT will pause for thought - this was clearly a case of bullying that they failed entirely to sort out as why on earth would anyone take the step of moving schools over "nothing".

IamFriedSpam Wed 01-Mar-17 13:53:10

That does sound like an appalling inadequate response. Of course there's no evidence, no one is suggesting that Jane is excluded on the basis of one person's account but that the situation is dealt with. Good luck with the school move, hope your DD settles in quickly!

Starlight2345 Wed 01-Mar-17 14:03:15

I was going to reply before I read your update but will add my experience..My DS was bullied by 2 boys in year 1. I can see how it didn't get picked up .Different dinner ladies were told, then the teacher who covered for planning so nothing matched up. My DS came to me wanting to move school( i did know something was wrong but no idea what. I had spoke to his teacher ) . I spoke to his teacher before he went into school.She phoned me at break, had spoke to all the children and esculated. It went up to head. Ds was supported ..The response from the school did change for my DS. He was not allowed to be in the class with the boys.This year he is with one of them but the other one who we have had incidents with out of school is kept sperate from my DS.

It does sound like the move may well be a good one for your DD at this age. it sounds like it would work better for you. I would also look at steps to boost your DD's self esteem too.

Mishmashpotatoes Wed 01-Mar-17 17:07:48

As far as I'm aware they haven't even spoken to Jane!

Another update!

DD came home from school and there was another incident today where Jane excluded DD from a group of kids who were playing.

I called the school and told the head teacher who said, "DD needs to build up resilience people are going to be mean to her throughout her life".

I actually couldn't believe it! DD isn't a snowflake who gets upset easily, I am so fucking angry!

Not sure if I should just keep her off until she's able to go to the new school since they're not willing at all to help.

Starlight2345 Wed 01-Mar-17 20:56:19

Have you spoke to the other school about the place? I would keep her off for a couple of days ( tummy bug) . To make sure they do have a place for her. Explore your options.

Yes it sounds like she is going to be no help at all.

Peaches77 Wed 01-Mar-17 23:38:57

My dn went through this head said it was all character building this went on for nearly two years then my DB eventually moved her school best thing all round

havingabadhairday Thu 02-Mar-17 00:14:05

I called the school and told the head teacher who said, "DD needs to build up resilience people are going to be mean to her throughout her life".

Unacceptable attitude. Change schools and make a complaint about the headteacher.

Beeziekn33ze Thu 02-Mar-17 00:44:35

DS was bullied, once in front of me and the head of year. I pointed this out and he said ' He asks for it, goes around with a miserable face!' 🙄

BadKnee Thu 02-Mar-17 11:48:19

I have been on both sides of this. My DS was badly bullied - not dealt with. Have mentioned on other threads.

There are always two sides, however and we don't always have the full picture.

To be clear I am not disbelieving the OP at all - and she has handled it in the best way for her DD. The school may or may not have dealt with it. We don't know what they said to Jane - they would ever pass this on - or what has been witnessed.

For balance a story from "the other" side:
My DD was accused of bullying - year 2/3. It was not true. The other child got loads of attention by saying DD was being mean to her. The mother told all the other mothers, everyone gathered round, hugs, "poor you", coffee invitations, "I'll support you" , "Talk to the Head".

The child got "Don't worry, some people are mean - we'll just have an ice-cream and leave her alone" Lots of attention. "Don't worry - you can play with us!"

At school if DD was playing with her friends the other girl would come over and insist on joining them and if anyone said no she would tell the teachers that "BadKnee DD won't let me join in" Everyone believed this mother.

There was an incident on the climbing frame and the other child was hurt. My DD was nowhere near her but no-one believed that either. It was awful.

My only option was to keep a very close eye on DD, keep her away from the groups, tell her to keep very close to the playground monitors at all times. I did not accept any playdates or party invitations from school. Not fair to put my DD in that position. I watched her like a hawk and videoed her in some of the park games.

Other girl's father came to my house one evening screaming that my DD had hit his DD with a tennis racquet and he was going to call the police.

I had video of her playing in the park for the time he said it had happened and several witnesses. I could prove it had not happened. He still would not accept.

Two days later after school at pick-up, same thing, other girl said my DD had pushed her over. This time everyone could see it wasn't true. The child got hysterical, "She did Mummy, she did", but the mother was in a very difficult position because it was a blatant lie. Some of the other mothers began to realise what was going on. Also the little girl picked on another victim and started to accuse her. The mother had previously been one of the supporters. Suddenly on the other side.

The whole thing cooled off for a bit and they moved schools but it damaged my DD's primary years.

I wish you all the best for the new school OP. You did the right thing.

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