To Ditch a Friend Who Always Puts Men First?(39 Posts)
It's been the same since we were in school. She'd be very intense, wanting to do something everyday, calling every morning and plannings trips for every holiday. Then she'd meet a bloke and within a week she'd be madly in love with him and not have a day free to see friends. Any communication from her would be about him, asking what to wear on dates or to decipher his texts, that sort of thing.
We're now in our 30s, she's been through a divorce and I was there for her every day. I have my own family and job but was happy to spend regular evenings and weekends doing things to distract her and we planned a couple of trips.
Then she started dating again and has had several short relationships all of which she reverted to her usual MO in. I wouldn't see her for weeks and only hear from her if the bloke was the topic of conversation. Then the relationship would end and she'd be back again.
I found her openness to fall in love quite endearing when we were younger but now, I'm just feeling a bit used. When she's not in a relationship, we only do things she's interested in doing and she doesn't want to do what I enjoy but will then do those things with the next bloke. For example, I suggested a trip to Rome for one of our trips as I really wanted to go, she said she'd never want to go there so we went to her choice of destination instead. Fast forward a few months and she's off to Rome with her new man.
AIBU to distance myself from her?
Not much sisterhood going on there
Would she drop everything (including men ) if you really needed her ? I think not.
She's a user, dump her for sure, I understand teenagers/first relationships this happening, but you'd think you'd cop on over the years
She is using you. Is she there for you when you are going through difficulties ?
Why wouldn't you go to Rome by yourself or with someone else?
It sounds like she took over your life to some extent. Do you have time for other friends? What do you do when she's in a relationship?
I did actually end up going to Rome with friends from my hobby club and I loved it! I do have other friends but none as close as her as I've known her for decades now but my other friends don't use me like she does.
She's such a wonderful person to be around, very warm and bubbly and always making me laugh so it's very easy to just get sucked back into a routine with her and I forget that she's disappeared for the last few months and will disappear again as soon as she gets with a new man.
When she's in a relationship, I get quickly frustrated with the conversation revolving around the new man and her not even responding if it's about anything else. I'll normally have more evenings and weekends free too so spend them doing hobbies.
Yanbu. Get rid of her.
Just don't call her.
If/when she comes back again, insist on doing only things that are fun for you.
She'll probably slowly fade out of your life once she realizes she can't use you anymore.
I'd keep her at a similar distance as other friends and one that I feel comfortable with.
Should I tell her why or just distance myself without explanation?
It depends on what you mean by distance.
If you want nothing to do with her, then tell her.
If you just want some space and a less involved relationship, then you can simply be too busy. Or insist on telling her every boring detail of your life before she even gets to the boyfriend.
YANBU. I had a friend like that and don't really bother with her now. I didn't make a big deal out of it just became less available for her and she got the hint.
No need for a big drama
If she is fun, fust see her when it suits you and do not it yourself out for her
No need to get rid of her completely if you Don't want to. But lower your expectations of her. I would also have to point out to her that the "dates before mates" shtick is pretty shoddy
Not a friend at all, i would just distance myself, don't reply to texts, delete her from Facebook. She sounds a user tbh.
YANBU, flaky people like that, do my head in. Low self esteem issues, with her constant need for validation. No idea why people do this, all or nothing normally leads to nothing
To be honest, I think I would find the full-on level of this friendship when she's single far too much for me, so I would probably be relieved when she coupled up with someone. I agree with others, though, that you need to decide what you want from the friendship. If you value it, and it sounds as if you do, just set new terms. Do what you want to do. If she doesn't want to go somewhere, just do it with someone else, don't go where she wants. See her when it suits you, and not when it doesn't. Take back some control.
You've let yourself become her fallback option - if you make yourself less available, and by not rolling over to her demands, make it clear you aren't just some default setting she can revert to when single, she may come to value your friendship more.
Relationships rarely survive when one person is ' downgraded' by the other.
She has downgraded you repeatedly and unsurprisingly you are questioning the relationships worth to you now.
I am just saying this because if you downgraded her I expect the relationship will not bob along with both of you being comfortable with that new dynamic.
It will most probably end.
It sounds like an option, and logically it should work, but it very very rarely actually does. It's somewhat unusual you have hung on in there, but two people being similarly accepting..low odds.
I had a 'friend' like this, it was draining and felt incredibly one sided in the end.
Move on OP, life is too short to waste it on these users.
"Should I tell her why or just distance myself without explanation?"
I would tell her. Probably during a conversation about how she only wants to do things she's interested in but not what you are interested in. The Rome example would be a good one to use. Who knows, when it's pointed out to her it might come as a surprise? <doesn't hold breath>
I think you need to decide whether this friendship is worth all the effort you put in, every time she ignores you for a man. I think this will be the pattern of the rest of her life.
If you want to keep the friendship, don't be so available, if she doesn't want to do what you enjoy simply say that you don't want to do what she has suggested instead.
If you decide you have had enough and there is nothing worth saving of the friendship, you need to let her know and why. She needs to hear how her behaviour impacts on others.
These people are always very bubbly and funny. It's how they get away with being selfish bores for so long - it's masked.
And she's a succubus. She sucks the life out of you when she's single. Perhaps she sucks fhe life out of the men too and that's why they don't last long. That intensity would do my head in.
I don't think I'd bother telling her unless she asks. Shes been like this for 20 years so even if she was contrite and promised to change, I doubt she could for long.
I'd just decide not to get in touch. And when she resurfaces and texts, be "busy". Lots of "mad house here, talk soon! Xxx"
Just be busier and don't rearrange anything for her. Sounds like you have a full life anyway so it should be easy to come up with excuses. Down the road maybe give her a night out every 6 weeks. Maybe that length between meetings will make her less irritating.
I am her fallback option, I realised that a long time ago but I think I'm just too laid back so have never done anything about it. This time though, after really being there for her through the divorce I thought things might change a little and she'd adjust her priorities. Time we do spend together now is less enjoyable as I'm holding on to a lot of resentment and always know what's coming.
I suppose I'd rather not have the big drama of telling her what I think and feel as I don't think it'd help, she will never change. The problem is though, because she is very intense it will be difficult to say no to all of the plans she suggests (assuming she does break up with this bloke, she might not then this won't be a problem). Maybe I could invent some sort of new hobby that takes up every spare second I have?
Invent anything and everything if it makes it easier.
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