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To talk to the mum deirectly now

(34 Posts)
Passthesalt1 Tue 28-Feb-17 07:54:43

I'm pretty relaxed when it comes to kids and arguments at school because I know one day they are friends and the next day arguments again etc.

Dd is autistic, has hypermobility, kidney problems and the biggest thing is she has a paralysed face due to her nerves not growing in utero.

Dd came home last week with bruises at up her side and told me "Tom" had done it, spoke to the school and they spoke to the kids about telling a teacher if someone hurt them and how they use kind hands etc. It turned out she had been pushed in the cloakroom and had hit a coat peg.

They are 4 btw. Well today I'm doing dd hair and go to put it up to keep it out of her eyes as it's cold and they get infected easily and she starts crying saying no because it looks stupid and then says "tom" will be mean to me.

Toms name is getting spoken so much in our house in relation to dd, she's no special snow flake, due to her autism she can be challenging.

Do I speak to the mum now? Or just leave it since they are all so small and let's be honest, they are all hitting, cuddling, running around together?

SookiesSocks Tue 28-Feb-17 07:57:05

Speak to the school again.
I would not approach the mum at this stage as it can make things more difficult.

Maybe ask school for a meeting with them and Toms mum.

kissmethere Tue 28-Feb-17 07:58:21

It's up to you really. I'd speak to the teacher this morning and mention how much you think this is upsetting DD first if all. Also ask her at the end of the day.

Gatehouse77 Tue 28-Feb-17 08:02:40

No, don't go directly to the mum. Speak to the school again and tell them how much 'Tom's' name comes up. Give them a chance to observe the dynamics between your child and Tom, Tom and others, etc.

harderandharder2breathe Tue 28-Feb-17 08:03:21

Speak to the teacher again. If you approach the parents directly they may just get defensive, the teacher can hear both sides to the story

Trifleorbust Tue 28-Feb-17 08:05:10

I think you need to speak to the school properly and establish what is happening first.

Passthesalt1 Tue 28-Feb-17 08:05:23

I drop dd in late due to sensory issues at drop off so I'll talk to the office again.

Thing is toms mum is really nice from what I can see, she would probably be really fine over it.

It's not like dd hasn't had less than stellar behaviour before and we have dealt with it, she doesn't have a lot of empathy and struggles to understand personal spaces etc, she has a one to one in the mornings as well.

I'm only hearing bad things about tom, I'm sure there are plenty of good things and I don't want to upset another kid ifswim.

ParadiseCity Tue 28-Feb-17 08:08:26

Definitely talk to the school. Tom may well have issues you don't know about, but they do, either way they are best sort it. Good luck.

lifeas Tue 28-Feb-17 08:17:40

Don't talk to the mum! Ever. Talk to the school.

Hoppinggreen Tue 28-Feb-17 08:18:19

Even the " nicest " mum can go evil on you if you approach them directly about their child!!
Deal with it via school

fairweathercyclist Tue 28-Feb-17 08:20:57

Don't talk to the mum! What happens in school is for the school to sort out.

And does Tom have a dad?

MerryMarigold Tue 28-Feb-17 08:24:31

I don't think Tom's mum can do a lot. I would make the teacher aware of it, so she can keep her eyes open and deal with things as they happen.

Spikeyball Tue 28-Feb-17 08:24:44

Talk to the school. They are the one in the position to sort it out.

Witchend Tue 28-Feb-17 08:25:52

Don't talk to the mum.

If you do you have to b prepared to hear "yes and your dd's name is all I hear and what,she's done to Tom"

MerryMarigold Tue 28-Feb-17 08:26:20

And does Tom have a dad?


And if the answer is that 'why is it only the mum's problem'? then you are being facetious. Mum clearly does the drop off, OP knows her a little bit as knows she is nice, so obviously IF she were going to speak to a parent, it would be this one.

user1471537877 Tue 28-Feb-17 08:26:41

As a mum with a now older aspie DD who has been in this situation l would say please only talk to the teacher

After a few situations like this we realised that DD can become quite fixated about individuals and although the kids often were doing the things she said, her perception as an autistic child was that she was always a victim which is common with the social deficit in autism

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn Tue 28-Feb-17 08:59:52

I'd also recommend that you talk to the teacher directly rather than through the school office. This is simply because the situation will then be communicated in your own words rather than filtered through the interpretation of a third party. Most teachers would want this information and an informal chat would then allow them to observe interactions between the two and come up with strategies to help. At this age relationships with peers can change so swiftly. Ultimately, discussing the situation with the teacher is likely to be more effective and less potentially emotive than with the mum no matter how nice she is. Hope this is soon sorted for you and your Dd.

IamFriedSpam Tue 28-Feb-17 09:01:36

Definitely don't approach mum, speak to the school again though and ask for a follow up on what's been done. The school will probably speak to Tom's parents and she's likely to react better with it coming from them than you. Obviously the parents will probably want to help and make sure the problem doesn't continue but with a four year old it will need to be dealt with both at school and at home anyway so school's the best point of contact.

bloodyteenagers Tue 28-Feb-17 09:08:34

Talk to the teacher not the staff. They may be Dow playing it, or the teacher is thinking it's third hand. I know you take her in later it ask if you can talk to the teacher over the phone or via email if you cannot talk after school.

NavyandWhite Tue 28-Feb-17 09:10:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyOtherNameIsTaken Tue 28-Feb-17 09:13:13

If you talk to the mum she'll go straight into protective tigress mode and it won't achieve anything. Always speak with the teacher.

Megatherium Tue 28-Feb-17 09:14:15

It's the school's duty to keep your child safe, so this is definitely one for them to deal with. If they feel that it would be helpful to talk to Tom's parents, no doubt they will do so.

Annahibiscuits Tue 28-Feb-17 09:16:06

Please talk to the school and very firmly ask them what they are going to keep your daughter safe. Do not worry about upsetting people, or how nice Tom or his family might be

We had a very similar experience with my dd and a 'Tom'...18 months down the line, I have had to remove my dd from school and she is seeing a paedeatrician for stress related vomiting (50 times a day)

lljkk Tue 28-Feb-17 09:20:55

Talk 2 the school. Tom's mom doesn't have a remote control system operating on him. He wouldn't be so boisterous if he had good self control & could remember what he's not supposed to do. Staff need to know so they can reinforce social norms when he's in a triggering situation.

RB68 Tue 28-Feb-17 09:21:55

School always school don't get involved with Mum its up to the school to manage behaviour in school and up to school to address parents if their child has behavioural issues in school

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