Am I? Feeling terribly guilty for cutting off family member financially(40 Posts)
Hi everyone, sorry if this is long.
So i have been helping out my younger DB hes 25 since July. He was living in a shared house, but not paying his rent on time, gambiling some of his wages and just being reckless, albeit working full time through out.
Well he lost his room in the shared house, never told anyone until it was too late and then tried to stay with family.
Well he stayed with me for 2 weeks until i found him another place (he didnt bother looking) and as i put up the deposit i took over the finances.
From July - Jan it was issue after issue;
- he didnt like flatsharing - no motivation to work extra to save for his own place
- imagined the LL whom he shared with, didnt like him.
- Was diagnosised with Despression (as i am) wouldn't get a refill of the prescription and once gambled the money i gave him for the prescription.
- i found places to support with the gambling/ counseling for the depression. - wouldn't attend.
- Decided to give notice of the flat and move towns - without having the money to do so (muggins here paid the balance)
- Moved with no job, then got a job in the same chain about 4 weeks later, yelled at the manager and was let go.
- He gets the odd agency work, then 'sleeps in' usually burning his bridges with the agency,
I have let/gave him over £700 in all and i feel it has got him nowhere. I have been for the last few weeks giving him food money as he was suppose to start work as in the care sector, but has said today that they didnt want him, just after he recieved his DBS (who knows!)
The Straw that broke me was that he had paid work yesterday but 'slept in' and he cant help it!
Here i am on my part time wage, subbing his rent and giving him food money and he cant be arsed!!!
So i've handed him back everything today and he can sort himself out. But i feel incredibly guilty - i shouted at him and called him a burden - which was not my finest moment.
But i just cant cope with him anymore.
Was i AIBU?
For what its worth - my mum tried to help him before me, but he was very verbally aggressive to her when he stayed there, left lots of mess and ate all the food without contributing
His plan is to leave his current flat, go on JSA and persue his dream of being an actor. (he did an acting course twice at college and quit because he didnt like the coursework) he also writes and stand up, but cant take criticism.
I dont paint him welli know, but he can be a great, gentle funny generous man, just does not seem to have a concept of being an adult.
He needs to work through this himself, you've done all you can for now and now its his turn. He will either turn a big corner and everything will work out well or you'll be there to pick up the pieces with him as a supportive family (not a bank!) If it goes wrong. We've all maybe been in his state of mind once in our lives and i hope he comes out the other end well
He is old enough to stand on his own two feet - the more you support him, the less he will support himself. Cut the apron strings now.
Why are you feeling guilty? Do you think he felt guilty when he was snoring his head off and taking your handouts?
You need to feel angry not guilty.
Thanks Happy and Blossom.
I think we just dont know how to support him. We would always feed him yes.
But like in the past, he stayed at my mums, then basically refused to leave. My mum isnt the most stable at the best of times, but it nearly sent her over the edge..
Do not feel guilty at all. He needs to be an adult and stand on his own two feet.
He needs to help himself. It's hard with depression as you know, but it doesn't sound like he's making any effort at all. Probably because he knows you and your mum will bail him out. You need to look after yourself and let him sort himself out.
Your right Chuck and i have been very angry!
I suffer with anxiety anyone and thats where the guilt comes from i think. But i can see over the past 6 months hes done nothing to help as he knows i'm there to catch him.
Do not feel guilty you have gone above and beyond to help him. Read you own post again and once more with feeling. All the couldn't be bothered, didn't want to, slept in's.
You have tried to help him, finding hin.a flatshare, finding him help with the gambling. He is not a child and more importantly he is NOT YOUR CHILD. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. You nor your mother can do that for him.
Stand firm OP. I think he will be back. But all the sob stories must fall on deaf ears, he needs to start standing g on his own two feet and proving himself.
Please spend the extra time on getting well. Take care. Good Luck OP
Sometimes you have to let people fuck their own lives up sadly. He's got no incentive to get himself sorted if he gets bailed out constantly. That's not to say it's all choice, depression is hideous, but you can't help someone who won't help themselves.
FWIW we have a relative of DH's who is welcome to come to our house anyday for food, a shower or a couple of hours sleep and I'll occasionally put £5 or £10 on their electricity key (and will go to the shop with the key to do it), but they are not ever given any money and they are not welcome to stay (and know we will call the police if they try any bollocks like that and then that'll be the end of the welcome). We are the only ones that don't get shit from him because we are very clear on what we will and won't do and we don't chop and change the rules. Could something like this help you feel better about the situation?
He is only doing it because you let him, if you stop giving him money full stop he will be forced to sort himself out. Doesn't he feel embarrassed at all to keep sponging? I would rather go without food than ask others for money.
Thank you everyone - it is good to hear it from the outside perceptive.
<B>Lala <B> i like that idea thank you.
I think the worst thing is he shows no gratitude at all, doesn't try to keep things tidy for example if he stayed, offer to do the odd dishes.
and God Forbid - you say anything about the acting. You know like 'even actors have day jobs' He thinks he'll just write a script and be famous
I don't blame you OP. You can only do so much and it looks like you have done more than enough. TBH, you were kind of enabling his behaviour by helping him out. He needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet.
No Banana sadly he doesnt. The more he takes the less he has to spend/do.
It sounds like any help that is offered will simply be enabling him to avoid his problems for longer. Sometimes people need to realise that they can't rely on others to bail them out in order to grow up a little. (I speak as someone whose sister just threw a hissy fit at our mother because she wouldn't do her washing or have her to stay every single weekend. Sister is 37 and owns her own, very lovely, house and fully-functional washing machine, but has never ever had to stand on her own two feet).
I don't know, from your post I think the depression is hereditary? I think perhaps it can be more debilitating at some points and that's the root cause of the problem.
He needs the support of his family but at the same time I don't think you should have to keep funding him.
It's a difficult situation, I can see why you're feeling guilty but this situation can't go on forever. <fence __me____>
You mustn't feel guilty. You've given him a lot of help but it's been thrown back in your face. Lots of people would have given up long before now.
Giving him money/bailing him out will only add to his not helping himself in a positive way. You're not his mother. He needs a good talking to, don't 'enable' him to go on in this way.
He must learn to stand on his own two feet and take responsibility for his actions and behave like an adult.
Trinty - yes Depression is Heredity sadly down my DF side.
He lived and was supported by my mum until about 22, however he was extremely aggressive verbally and they use to argue like crazy. He was also teribble for leaving mess everywhere, eating everything in sight.
My mum was the one who took him to the doctors finally as he didnt want to go. I explained that medication can make things easier (it has he has became much more stable)
He just wants the easy way out, and that is leave the flat, sign on and live with my mum.
As i said he wants to be a actor and recently took out a five grand loan with his friend, bought head shots and film reel and a holiday to USA.
Its difficult not to shake him
@concerned321 The thing you need to remember, because he won't, is that it is totally acceptable, in fact advisable, for you to protect yourself. You need to look after you - you put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.
This isn't just depression - there are plenty of people who stick out tough jobs with depression because they have to - it's just general fecklessness. Until he hits rock bottom he has no impetus to learn to look after himself.
Are you older than your brother, do you have dc,dh?
Best thing my family did for me was stop bailing me out. Moved to a different town met my wonderful dh, turned my life around. Late forties now with 3dc, own our own home and have held down a well paid career for over 18 years.
Could be the best thing you have done for your brother
I'm sorry OP it's horrible watching a friend of mine self-destruct it must be harder when it's family
I agree with and do similar to LaLa, never give money but will occasionally buy food or leccy. She's welcome at my house but not when she's been drinking (she's an alcohol) and I won't lie to the police or the probation officer for her.
I love the lass to bits but I wish I could slap some bloody sense into her at the minute.
It sounds like he's got a mental illness he needs to address. You can't do any of this for him. It's hard but the only way he will learn is if he is left to hit the bottom.
He'll need to toughen up if he really wants to act or do stand up. Writers have to get used to rejection too.
Does he realise how much you've done for him?
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