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To resent DH's liftshare?

(73 Posts)
CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Mon 27-Feb-17 15:13:39

He shares with 2 colleagues. They're in the emergency services, which means they sometimes have to unavoidably stay late. I knew that when I met DH, it's not his fault and I have never given him a hard time for it, but the liftshare (started last spring) effectively triples the possibility of him being stuck late. He should be finishing at 4 today but has just told me he may be 'a couple of hours' late as he's finished but the other two are stuck on jobs. This happens all the bloody time and I'm sick of it. I think I am probably BU but I've got an absolutely splitting headache and just want him to come home and take over with DS. Thing is it obviously saves money on petrol, and he enjoys the social aspect, so he won't stop. I'm just fed up.

NapQueen Mon 27-Feb-17 15:14:59

So ask him - is the extra petrol not worth having time after work to yourself? He is effectively staying at work unpaid for hours just to save a few quid petrol.

Cynara Mon 27-Feb-17 15:18:41

Good grief. I work in the emergency services, as does DP, and we always, always travel to work separately because of the very high risk of one of us getting stuck on a job miles away at the end of our shift. I know of no one at work who would entertain the idea of a lift share for exactly this reason. I'm astonished that there are 3 people who routinely do this!! YANBU.

SanitysSake Mon 27-Feb-17 15:19:44

You have to remind him gently of what he's missing during those extra 2 hours and how much of a toll it takes on you.

For some metrics, I'd be calculating how many hours over the period of a month extra he's had to 'waste' waiting for others and apply a man-hour cost to that, then cross compare it with the cost of the petrol if he drove in himself.

Nothing like some cold hard facts to provide a bit of clarity to issues.

I share your pain - I used to live with someone in the emergency services too. On this point and quite a few others, it wasn't all fun. x

Pineappletastic Mon 27-Feb-17 15:21:41

Having done jobs with unexpected overtime on a regular basis I'd say liftshares don't work unless you can take alternative public transport if required.

Could you maybe agree that he only liftshares some days and not others?

AnyFucker Mon 27-Feb-17 15:23:52

He is using this extra time at work to hang out socially and he his family responsibilities. Is there a pub to wait in while his colleague finishes up, perchance ?

Tell him to knock it on the head

dowhatnow Mon 27-Feb-17 15:24:04

Can you pick him up? Taxi?

NapQueen Mon 27-Feb-17 15:24:36

If he hasnt been the driver then cant he just get public transport home?

AnyFucker Mon 27-Feb-17 15:24:41

dodge his family responsibilities

Kiroro Mon 27-Feb-17 15:26:04

What AnyFucker said

DJKKSlider Mon 27-Feb-17 15:26:48

'he won't stop'

If you ask him and give good reason, he should stop. If he doesn't, I'd question what means more to him, you or his colleagues.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Mon 27-Feb-17 15:28:39

Omg I am so glad I'm not BU. Every time I mention it to DP he acts like I'm crazy. The worst thing is that we've recently moved closer to his work and now on days he drives (like today) he actually has to drive back past our old house to drop off the furthest-away colleague, and then come back, which on a good day takes 20 minutes and if he clashes with rush hour could take even longer. The whole thing makes absolutely no sense to me but I evidently don't understand.

I'm a trainee HCP (so will have similar problems once qualified) and literally nobody I know liftshares, even when they live really close. It's just bonkers! I'm afraid I cried when he told me he was going to be late bc of colleagues today (in my defence I'm pregnant and hormonal and it is a really bad headache).

It also has knock-on effects e.g. for DS nursery - if DH is meant to finish at 4 he can pick him up. Sometimes he can't manage that so FIL scrambles to get DS or I leave uni early, which is fine and goes with the territory, but to have to do that or inconvenience FIL when other people's jobs are holding him up is just infuriating.

wobblywonderwoman Mon 27-Feb-17 15:29:11

I think if he is using it to chill this is seriously annoying. I know it is a tough job but you wouldn't mind half an hour.. Hours is a waste!! How long is the journey?

BarbaraofSeville Mon 27-Feb-17 15:30:08

How far away is work and how much money is it saving? Can he get home by other means?

Of course it wouldn't be unheard for someone to be happy to hang on at work chatting to their mates instead of going home to domestic/childcare responsibilites.

AnyFucker Mon 27-Feb-17 15:30:48

Is it his way or the highway ?

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Mon 27-Feb-17 15:31:21

He's not generally a dodger of responsibilities - he's lovely really, a very good dad and husband - he just does seem to have a blind spot where his colleagues are concerned. I highly doubt he's in the pub - I suspect he'll kill time with paperwork/ help the colleagues with theirs as far as he can to speed them up when they get back from the job. But it doesn't alter the fact he should be at home!!

DJBaggySmalls Mon 27-Feb-17 15:31:36

''Every time I mention it to DP he acts like I'm crazy.'

No you're not; so it sounds like he is also gaslighting you.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Mon 27-Feb-17 15:31:52

The journey is 25 minutes if no traffic, much longer in rush hour.

HelenaGWells Mon 27-Feb-17 15:32:25

A lift share should be convenient. It sounds like this one involves waiting around for hours and driving miles out of your way. It's stupid and ridiculous.

He needs to stop. If he enjoys being social that's great but he can do that on other days when it is planned. There are ways to be social that don't involve waiting around for hours every night and screwing up your family time.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Mon 27-Feb-17 15:33:51

Not about most things, AnyFucker, but about work, yes, a bit.

MadeForThis Mon 27-Feb-17 15:34:32

He is prioritising his colleagues over his family. Everyone shouldn't have to change their plans because his colleague has to work late.
It's selfish. The extra time spent at work unpaid surely exceeds the savings on petrol.

shovetheholly Mon 27-Feb-17 15:34:40

Obviously I don't know the details of your commute, but in my city it is WAY faster to get around by bike than it is by car. To go 3 miles by car takes 45 minutes in the rush hour, but around 15 by bike. Unless there's significant time on dual carriageways etc. a bike might save you a lot of time and money - and headaches!

AnyFucker Mon 27-Feb-17 15:36:11

Is he the family boss then ? Because this "work" stuff (that isn't actually work) is impacting on your family

It's actually no better than the dicks that go to the pub to get out of bathing the kids

DonaldStott Mon 27-Feb-17 15:36:31

a very good dad and husband

Erm, no he isn't.

RubyWinterstorm Mon 27-Feb-17 15:39:32

if you have young kids, he may well find it more relaxing to wait for his colleagues to finish and have a cup of coffee whilst waiting, playing on his phone, compared to him going home to his tired partner and demanding toddlers!

Men are good at making things work out for them in a way that suits them.

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